Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi everyone

I have been thinking lately why I feel strange when I either smile or laugh.  I feel it is very much connected to my mental illness; my childhood etc.

It got me thinking why I don't like feeling happy.  And i think these are some of the reasons:

1. not accepting or allowing myself to be happy 

2. fear of something bad or wrong happening

3. it just doesn't feel right, like it's fake

Of course I do smile and laugh especially with my granddaughter.  With the recent purchase of our new home I feel i should be happier, excited - but i am just going with the flow. Is it because i have been so stressed looking for a house that now it's a big sigh feeling.

Could it be self sabotage? Is it a protection thing?  I'm not sure what others think about this but can anyone relate.  Is it a black and white BPD thing where I am either happy or sad and can't be both.  

i really don't know what i am trying to say or if this makes any sense.

[maddison]

Hi @BlueBay thanks for posting & sharing your experience. I like when people can talk about their own reflections on feelings, thoughts!

I can relate. I'm not sure if it's the same experience for you. Happiness can be scary. It's like waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under you, or the other shoe to drop. It could be a mental health, childhood thing. I have wondered the exact same. Not having too high expectations, incase they go wrong.

I'm going to sound existential now, tho I think life is a constant tempering between feeling good & accepting ease, whilst also knowing that at any moment things can change. 

aka growing up ☹️ !

Inevitably, things change. It could be good or bad. Tempering the good moments with reality isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe, the moment where you can feel true peace & happiness re: new home hasn't arrived yet?  

Emotions are their own life force, for me. Regardless of thoughts, actions, moments, - emotions are totally unique.

Lovely to read about time spent with granddaughter.

[NatureLover]

Hi @BlueBay , I can definitely relate. I think it's a trauma thing. 

I had to train myself over many years to allow /accept that I could be happy. It's scary! 

It's worked, but I still have a little bit of that feeling. 

Sending hugs 💙

[BlueBay]

Thanks @NatureLover for your reply.  Did it feel strange to you when you first felt happy?

I'm going to work through this with my psych.  Yes, it does feel scary.

[BlueBay]

Hi @maddison thank you for your reply and how you can relate.

For me I have been thinking it's trying to feel happy for me, myself, my own body. And to let go of the fear of people judging me; starring at me etc.  I sometimes struggle when I go for a walk thinking that every single person walking is 'starring' at me and talking bad about my body shape.  That's when i get like this i stop walking.

I do get so much pleasure, happiness and smile with my little granddaughter little A who is 5 next week.  we are so close and i think that i am just me when i am with her; i lay on the bed with her and tell her stories, or we laugh together, or we read books together.  i think i am a child when i am with her. maybe it's parts of my life that i didn't get to enjoy as a child (i was sexually abused as a child) and now i can be free.  i think???

It's interesting when i stop sometimes and reflect, i start thinking.

[BPDSurvivor]

Just to be a smart arse @BlueBay , maybe practice makes perfect? What do you think?

[BPDSurvivor]

I love being with kids too @BlueBay , and hence I’m surrounded by children most days of my life.

I click and gel with them so well. I feel safe with them. I feel their honesty. I feel like a kid myself. I also feel like they look to me and ‘need’ me. 

As a borderline, I often fell into the extremes of being the carer or the one being cared for. There was little in between. Hence, I usually get along with people much much older than me or much much younger than me.

I don’t want the child taken out of me, yet I wouldn’t mind my emotional child growing to be in line with my age. It’s has definitely aged though compared to a few years ago. That’s makes me satisfied to accept it for what it is now.

I can smile and laugh with kids.

But like today, I got into a row with someone and came out fuming with rage. 

After being on the forums a bit, I’ve cooled down. Thank goodness these moments are rare now. They used to run rife on a daily basis! Each moment was unpredictable! - just like the tantrums of a two year old.

[NatureLover]

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@BlueBay wrote:

Thanks @NatureLover for your reply.  Did it feel strange to you when you first felt happy?

I'm going to work through this with my psych.  Yes, it does feel scary.

---

Yes, very strange, and it felt wrong, @BlueBay . It was like I was walking out on a tiny thin tightrope over a massive deep dark valley in thick fog. 

But I allowed myself to feel a tiny bit of happiness and then waited for something to strike me down and remove the happiness. It didn't. So I allowed myself a fraction more happiness, slowly, and nothing struck me down. Then a little more happiness and a little more, etc. This happened over many years, and now I can feel happiness without all the fear. Well, that's not entirely true, I have a tiny sliver of fear left, but it's only when I stop to think about it, and it doesn't spoil the happiness. I'm able to ignore the sliver of fear if it pops up, and move on.

It was difficult but oh so worth it!

[maddison]

Hi @BlueBay thanks so much for sharing. It's beautiful to read about the activities you share with granddaughter. Nearly 5! I can only imagine how adorable, & how special this is to you. I thought it was so significant, that in these moments you describe it as though you 'felt like you!'

I think I can also (definitely) relate to feelings of  being self- conscious in public. My goodness, I would be uber rich if I had $ everytime I thought I was being stared at!!

One thing I've found incredibly helpful, is to switch my focus & begin counting my breaths.

In breath 1. Out breath 2. In breath 3. Out breath 4...etc When I get to 10, I go back to the start at 1 again. 

If I lose track, no problem, start back at 1 again. It sounds simple, yet requires immense concentration when in public, & I completely forget about my anxieties. I learnt the technique from smiling Mind app.

Thanks again for sharing. It's so incredibly brave to talk about the sexual abuse that happened to you as a child. It's brave❤️ & I'm very sorry that happened to you.

Maybe you are reliving your own childhood that was stolen? Maybe, you are also connecting with her innocence & providing great protection? Maybe, it's simply an awesome experience! Idk.. I think I might be being reflective now?!  Oh well, it can be good to think about things from different angles.

Yes, I agree with @NatureLover & love the way you expressed it!  Accepting happiness into ones life, is a process of trusting yourself, & trusting life. Little portions over time. It feels strange! I think each time, it begins to feel more 'normal'.

I click and gel with them so well. I feel safe with them. I feel their honesty. I feel like a kid myself. I also feel like they look to me and ‘need’ me

I feel this exact same way @BPDSurvivor Children are beautiful, & they can really sense adults that are protective & genuine💜 They are looking for people who are safe I think. I don't want to lose my inner child either - it can be problematic, tho it is worth it, for me. Children (and animals🙂) are great for reminding us who we are, what's really important & how it feels to be ourselves with zero judgement.

Xx

[BPDSurvivor]

Another thing about kids is that they are brutally honest @maddison @BlueBay . They tell you how it is. So when things come out of there mouths, I take it seriously eg How come you used to say…. But know you say….

 They pick up and sense everything! They know what is fair and unfair.

I had my niece with me for parts of the day today. We read together. We read about Indigenous history in the book Young Dark Emu, we read about Ned Kelly, as well as the titanic and World War 2. She loves history. She’s 6 years old… next is about the Berlin Wall and the Holocaust (kids version of course). We’ve started reading a little of Jewish history, but we got side tracked to Ned Kelly. 

Oh well, if she’s interested, I’ll read it with her.