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Something’s not right

Eden1919
Senior Contributor

Making sense of everything

Sorry to make another thread....

 

Trigger warning ahead for hospital trauma stuff.

 

So I just got out of hospital yesterday and it was a pretty traumatic admission a lot of the first few days is kind of blurry I just remember being very scared, trying to run away and having a lot of times where the wardsmen came and restrained me while a nurse gave me an injection. They started me on some medication and I was pretty groggy for a while and then the last few days it was ok I guess I saw my psychiatrist today and they said I seemed a lot better and that I needed to stay on the medication and I asked how long and they said possibly forever but at least a year with no hospital admissions or issues and then we could talk about it. I asked them about the whole diagnosis thing because the hospital staff had been saying that they didn’t know and that they couldn’t figure it out but my psychiatrist said it was schizoaffective disorder and that that was now confirmed. 

 

I am not sure how to feel now I guess the other beings I am not hearing as much as before and I am less scared that everyone is trying to hurt me and people look more like people but I still feel weird in general and don’t know what to think uni is starting back soon and I have enrolled for this semester so that may be a good distraction but I feel like my whole world has been shaken and everything just feels weird and I can’t remember all of what I was thinking before but I guess I just don’t know what to think now. But I am really having trouble with the medication thing I hate the idea of being on medication in general but this medication has some pretty bad side effects that can come up with long term use and idk I just feel like maybe it is all just like a lie. I know my psychiatrist and psychologist keep saying that I need medication and that I keep experiencing certain things because I have a mental illness but I just like I am not sure if I can’t accept it or idk I just feel like maybe I don’t and I am trying to believe them but I just can’t fully accept it deep down like maybe they are wrong. 

 

Sorry this is getting long I just don’t know where to go from here and I feel like I have just been shaken up and spun around in a washing machine and then people want me to walk in a straight line when I am really dizzy. I don’t know how to make sense of everything. 

24 REPLIES 24

Re: Making sense of everything

@Eden1919  Maybe in time, things will start to make more sense. Sometimes, I need to step back from the situation, like wait and see, kind of thinking.

 

If you find more stability on medication, and it keeps your life moving along without other intrusive thoughts, things could settle down a bit.

 

Uni sounds like a good choice. I find learning is good for my mind, for more reasons than just knowledge, it’s a mind discipline thing, an achievement.

 

Sending lots of 💞💞💞💞💞 It’s good to hear from you.

Re: Making sense of everything

Hi @Eden1919 , thanks for the update! I guess it must feel strange after so long to have this change for the better... 

 

I think the medication can only be a good thing. Hearing you talk before the meds, about your constant fear of people trying to hurt you all the time, and the terrible weight of those voices, and your major distress, I think that surely life on the meds must be easier than that. 

 

It's also good that you have a confirmed diagnosis I reckon, as now it can be treated.

 

I hope you really enjoy your uni studies 🙂

Re: Making sense of everything

@Maggie @NatureLover  Thanks, uni is good it is hard and kind of stressful but it is a good distraction and something I can focus on which is nice. I am still having trouble with the whole idea of meds I keep feeling like I shouldn’t take them and idk if that is just because I was so scared to take them for so long or idk I just keep thinking that me taking them is like me failing at dealing with my own problems or that maybe I am not mentally ill and my doctors made a mistake or that I made it all up for attention. I know I wouldn’t do that and I wouldn’t think that about anyone else who took meds but for some reason these thoughts keep going round in my head and I can’t shut it off. 

Re: Making sense of everything

Hi @Eden1919 sorry you are going through so much. I can empathise regarding medication I really hate the thought of it and avoid it even though people keep saying it will help. From your post it seems like yours has helped somewhat. 
Glad you are out of hospital too, hope you start making sense of things soon.

Re: Making sense of everything

@Eden1919  I think taking meds that help, is very much dealing with your own problems. I haven’t come across anyone who likes doing it, but if it helps, it’s part of the healing process.

Everything takes adjustment, so maybe give the meds some time, then assess your situation.

Doing uni is great. I know it’s hard work on many levels, but it’s focus for now.

You are sounding much better @Eden1919 , take care. Lots of 💞💞💞

Re: Making sense of everything

Thanks for the update @Eden1919 ...

 

@Maggie  said everything so well in her post just above, so I will just echo her 🙂

Re: Making sense of everything

@Lilly6 @NatureLover @Maggie  Thanks everyone. I get that I shouldn’t be ashamed of taking meds it is just hard to stop the thoughts like I just keep thinking of reasons not to take them because I am scared of them. I guess maybe I need to make a pros and cons list or something. I think they must be doing something because I finally cleaned my room and did a few other things I had been putting off but they still scared me idk maybe I do just need to give everything time to settle a bit more. I just really don’t know how to feel. 

Re: Making sense of everything

@Eden1919  I think a pros and cons list is an excellent idea. Maybe date it, then check in a week, then again later. Would recording how you feel help? Like recording achievements, like cleaning your room, and other things that were put off. Remembering we all are allowed our off days as well.

 

You are doing really well @Eden1919 . Lots of 💞💞💞

Re: Making sense of everything

@Maggie  Yeah I will have to think about how to set it all out but maybe I could even just start journaling again and see how that goes. Yeah I am trying not to do too much and to just take things slowly but idk I think I also need to keep busy in some ways. 

 

I am feeling weird about something though, I kind of want to be more open with my family about stuff but I also don’t know that it would be helpful because I don’t think they would react well, at the same time though I feel like I am carrying around and hiding a big secret all the time and I don’t like that feeling. 

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