Lived Experience Forum

[josh_slocum]

Hi,

I don't know what to say really it's pretty hard, I don't talk about feelings. But I saw this on tv and thought it might help. So a quick background I am manic depressive, and some other things in not sure what they really mean, some psychotic disorder I don't know. Anyway i dont take medication, it makes me feel numb. I guess that's the point. Stupidly I smoke weed, and it's ironic as that does the same thing. Makes me numb. Anyway. I quit my job in January as I was working 80hrs a week for no good reason. I was paid poorly and treated like shit. So I decided I would live my dream of sailing the world, I have always been a bit of a loner, and I usually am quite content being on my own, well not alone but just me my partner and her d***head cat, (that I love). So I bought a boat and decided to sail around Australia and then the world. Working when we can. The last few months have been really hard though my depression has really kicked in, I am getting angry and starting to self harm. I don't want to leave the boat anymore, and I am just miserable. I know I need to get out, start working again and meet people and make friends like my partner has but it's hard for me as I can't just talk to people. I get scared in large groups and I am just socially awkward. You would never believe it. I am one of Australia's best cocktail bartenders, so when I am up I am up. But when I am down I am down for months. This time it feels different, I'm not coming up again. I'm not starting to feel better I just keep spiraling. I think because by delibratly isolating myself I have caused myself to have nothing to fall back on when this happens. (Something I didn't think about) except my poor partner I love her so much but it must be so hard for her to be walking on eggshells when she is around me in OUR home. We live on a boat so there is no escape for her from my messed up head. I don't know I'm just ranting because I have  nothing or no one to really talk to. It's funny though I'm talking to a computer and it's made me stop crying for the first time today. I guess it helps to talk to someone even of someone is no one. I'm just lonely I think. I have two friends. And both are in 1000s of km away and my partner. I guess it could be worse. 

[Jumpingcactus]

@josh_slocum Good on you for sharing your thoughts. I understand how hard that could have been, is hard for me too. I understand what you are saying about being down and staying there. And how you are successful at what you do for work etc. I’m here if you need to chat. From someone who actually does understand what your saying.