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Something’s not right

New Contributor

Lost and confused

If my partner is telling that I am not appreciating him and that I now need to go 50/50 in Centrelink cause he doesn't work and I work full time. And yet I have been asking him to move in and live with me and the baby. And he calls me names n that I am controlling when he makes me feel used he doesn't live with me, puts any money towards bills when he is staying at my place (renting) and then wants me to open up a joint account and because I won't I am selfish. He is also a drug user am I wrong am I being selfish should I go 50/50 for payments? We have been together for 4yrs 3mths and I feel he is just using me and using our baby as a weapon and just in it for the money as he wanted full payment and not go 50/50. I hope this makes sense

6 REPLIES 6
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Re: Lost and confused

Dear DCS. Your partner is the one who is selfish and not appreciating. I wouldn't be helping him one iota. You have a baby, you're working full time. May I ask who cares for the child? I don't like saying this, but I feel you'd be better off giving him the ultimatum to 'shape up or ship out'. He is taking full advantage of you, your place, the situation. I guess you're looking at the fact that baby needs two parents. Yes, the baby does need two parents, but parents who can take care of each other and children you have. He is using drugs which makes him unstable and untrustworthy. I used to have a bf years ago who was a drunk. He too wanted to live with me, I was to work full time to support his drinking problem etc. We had a child, a son. I was reluctant to turn him away because of our son, but in the end I did the right thing and told bf to get help. I kept our son who I raised alone. Your child needs stability and he's not getting it from his father. Yes, he's using you, but I think you know it and just need confirmation.
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Re: Lost and confused

He is in family daycare 5 days a week my partner has had him for the last 2 weeks due to some commitments I had at work. This week we only had 2 days of care because the carer had hospital appointments for her children. I am picking up my child tomorrow after work from care. I did give him an ultimatum and he took he baby and ran off in the past. I was trying to compromise but I feel that's not going to work at all. He said to me that he only receives $200 per fortnight but if got all payments it would over $1000 nothing in the message was we can work on this together but all about the money and the money only.
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Re: Lost and confused

Hi DCS. I would look at contacting the women's advisory service. Tell them about the drug problem, you don't have to give his correct name or yours. Explain about the fact that he took the baby away when you tried to give him the ultimatum. Tell them everything you've posted here. How old is the baby? Tell them you are not safe due to his instability, drug addiction etc. They may be able to find you a safe house till you can relocate. it sounds as though he's promised in the past to 'clean up' his act, people with drug problems frequently promise but seldom follow through. He needs help, but so do you and the child. You need to be safe.
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Re: Lost and confused

You are so battered! my suggestion is Move away.Do not let him stay with you he is a drug addict!! Can you hear the alarm bells? He will find you if I know but if you move away a certain distance you cannot be bothered.Go with your Good Gut ,take a leap of faith and say this is not going to happen to me.If you do the hard yards and dont relent and give in to him he will hopefully see your strength years down the track possibly .There is no quick fix.Be strong Girl..Say NO> and mean it . He is looking for a carer ..provider..you are a single mum.Dont do this to You and the child.HE IS USING YOU! HE IS A THIEF! can you hear the alarm bells again..?Been there done that... so what if its 4yrs 3 mths dont waste another minute..day.Mr Right is not going to put up with this sort of input..This is not MR Right not this one! Can you go home or stay with a relative .. otherwise be strong and be determined. Try and lose his trail.Good Plans are what you need to create ,write them out and the plan will unfold..all the best.
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Re: Lost and confused

get out hunni, he is a manipulator and using emotional tactics to control u. Contact a DV service near u who will help u get out, Centrelink also provide emergency money to help women leave domestic violence situations. Domestic violence comes in many forms
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Re: Lost and confused

Hi how are you getting along now?

Money is not the binding factor in relationships. One way of looking at this is by reversing the roles (him working with you at home) and see this makes no difference if you appreciate, respect and love each other. Plus also his 'idea' of joint bank account and moving in paying rent is actually not a financial gain when living with your partner? So either something left out there or I misunderstood this plan of his?

What I read in your first post was:

  • he calls me names
  • he is just using me
  • and using our baby as a weapon

You mentioned he's a drug user and he calls you selfish too and these things have their own critical aspects, but I am more concerned about the fact there seems to be little or no respect and 'using the baby as a weapon (I think you were referencing finacial abuse related to your baby) this is probably the biggest concern, along with the verbal abuse intending to belittle you.

Many people associate abuse with something that is only physical or possibly sexual. But emotional and financial abuse weighs in at the exact same level with its own possibly long term effects. That with the fact that infants brain growth in the first 3 years through what they see, hear, feel, learn has been documented as the critical time that can affect a child in adolescent or even towards adulthood.

Therefore, I'd highly recommend you seek guidance by a social worker or even family violence center. It doesn't sound as though these things will just get better on their own. If you still want to continue a relationship with this person then they would need to mend themselves (again through family support services) first before being in such a relationship, especially when a child or baby is involved.

If you do happen to see this post and others in support of helping you here, please give us a reply back. This process of getting away from abuse can take a while, and getting the help you need is the first step.

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