Lived Experience Forum

[mully]

**Sorry, I've re-posted this as was too descriptive re SH. Thank you admin for letting me know, have edited.**

Hello. I've been reading the forums for a while now, but haven't posted because, well, I'm not sure what to say. I'm in my mid 30s and have been diagnosed variably with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Bi-polar and Schizophrenia. I've been medicated twice, but not for a long time — I don't like being on meds, I'm a creative person and they just make me feel numb. I've been fighting against having to go on meds for a long time.

I've been self-harming since I was about 10 years old. There have been long periods of time when I didn't, the longest was 6 years or so, but over the last 3 years I've gotten much worse, I feel like I'm losing a grip on reality and my thoughts are getting muddled and very paranoid.

The thing is, outwardly, things are great. I have a job I love, a partner who is very patient and tries to help, good friends, and by all accounts, not really anything to stress about. I suppose that's the most frightening thing. I thought having these things would make me well, and now I have them and I am more unwell than ever.

Anyway, I'm posting today because I've hurt myself, and I am really upset at myself for it. Usually I do it in spots that aren't seen by people, generally, but this time it's in a really visible spot, and it is not an easy wound to explain and it's just so frustrating, because I am covered in these ridiculous scars and it's getting to a point where I can't rationalise it, or explain it, and I feel like I'm painting myself into a corner, like I - or that other me, who is sabotaging everything - wants to solve the problem (me) permanently. I'm a high-functioning professional, I rarely take sick days and have never been unemployed. I am not feeling like I can get up in the morning and go to work. 

It's getting too difficult to be a functioning member of society, basically. I don't really know what to do. My partner is worried about me, but I can't really talk to him about it, and he doesn't understand when I try (not his fault, he's never experienced mental illness) and I stopped seeing my psych because I was sick of going in and saying the same crap and getting the same response (that it might be time to reconsider medication). I won't go on medication.

I've been listening to lots of podcasts and reading lots of stuff on the web to try and help myself, and I thought I was doing okay today, but then I tore the hell out of the not-even-healed wound I made on Saturday and it all spirals around again.

I understand why I'm doing it, I understand the things I should try to stop from doing it, I understand all the logic and great advice, but it doesn't work. Yesterday I had a panic attack at work and thought maybe I needed to go to the hospital or something, but I don't know what happens when you go to the hospital and ask them to stop you from stepping in front of a train, and I didn't think I could tell them that anyway (I have trouble speaking sometimes. I open my mouth but nothing comes out).

Anyway, I guess I wanted to know if hospital is a good idea if I'm having a breakdown and think I'm a danger to myself. I remember going to St Vincents in Melbourne years ago, to the emergency department, and they sedated me and it helped, but I don't know if that is still an option or if they would laugh at me — I mean, there are people with bigger problems than mine, who need help more than me, and what's a little self-inflicted wound here or there anyway? I'd feel like a right d!ckhead going in and saying, "Hi, I hurt myself and need someone to stop me from doing it again."

Sorry, I feel like an idiot. I'm not sure what my actual point is. I guess, hi. I just wanted to say something. 

[NikNik]

Hi @mully

Weclome 

Firstly, as I said in my email, I want to make sure you're okay. You mentioned SHing tonight, and it's important to take care of yourself.

You pose some great questions and I think a lot of challenges and decisions many of us have to consider - particularly around meds. My opinion of meds and all treatments in general, is that we should give everything a go. We can always stop the treatment (meds, a certain therapy, seeing the certain professional), but if it gives us a chance to level out, I think it's worthwhile giving things a shot. However, I respect your choice not to take medication. Have you looked into changing psychologists? One who might not pressure you so much for medication?

Presenting at emergency is definitely an option if you feel unsafe - who cares what they think (I know - easier said than done) You are taking care of yourself and you have EVERY right to be there and recieve care. It's not about the wound on your body - it's the internal stuff that needs to be taken care of.

I'm not sure which state you're in, but this explanation of different mental health services in Vic might give you some additional ideas to hospitalisation. Most states have similar services.

Hope this helps. I'm sure there other members who will weigh into this discussion too.

Welcome again. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @mully

thank you for posting so openly and honestly. you and i sound a bit similar in a lot of ways. ive always been employed and do well in my profession... (up until last year when i took a year off - im back at work now). I've also been self harming for a long time. i have just been given a new diagnosis that is scaring me. I have been seperated from my partner for 3 years now though and finding things tough at the moment... but anyway... last january i got to the point where it sounds you are close to, i tried to end my life and it didnt work, so i ended up quite sick.. i went to a gp (just a duty dr i didnt know) who told me i really needed to go to hospital and admit myself.. or he'd admit me involuntarily (i live in the country so i begged him to let me go to a larger town an hour away because i'd have had no chance of anonymity in my little town hospital) -and he agreed if id let someone else drive me there... when i got to the hospital and explained everything kind of.. i was not really very communicative, they took me to a private room in the emergency department and i wasnt allowed to be alone anymore (which was a bit overwhelming at the time) a mental health nurse i think it was came and spoke to me (but can't really remember what about) she requested i take some medication though which worried me but i do as im told... (im not sure what would happen if you said no as a voluntary patient?) then i had to have medical stuff because of the attempt. then i was taken to a hospital room where i stayed ... over all though it was not a great time in my life obviously. i felt cared for and generally respected... only one incident with a general ward dr that was really awful because of the way he spoke to me and about me to all the learning drs. 

i think if you are worried about your safety, and feeling like youre at that point where hospital is seeming like an option please go before the 'next step' because i'm sure that recovery would be easier before there are more physical isssues to deal with if that makes sense.

glad youv'e posted, i dont feel so alone.. hearing from someone else who is 'successful' in their job etc but struggles behind the 'mask' (how i feel.. that i have a mask on for the world that hides the 'truth' of myself)

LJ

[mully]

Thanks @NikNik - I'm okay tonight, I meant to say that in the edited post above, thanks for checking. And that link is really helpful, I had tried to find that info but couldn't.

I hear what you're saying re giving things a go. I've seen a lot of different psychologists/psychiatrists/counsellors, and the one I was seeing most recently was really great and I liked her a lot, I think the therapy just came to a natural end — as in, what she could help me with.

I really liked talking to her, but even with the GP referral discount, it wasn't really affordable to go see her and have the same outcome every time. I didn't feel pressured to take meds as such, but just that I should think about it, and I did, and discussed it with my partner, but I have been on meds twice before and really didn't like it.

I've read a lot of people with Borderline Personality Disorder saying that eventually therapy stops working because there's no "cure" as such, just ways to manage it, and I think my psych had exhausted sharing her management techniques, so it got kind of repetitive and unhelpful. BPD has also been said to be unable to be managed with meds (I heard that on a podcast so it was possibly more opinion than fact).

I will do a bit more reading about meds and consider it again though. I saw a great psychiatrist last year, just as an emergency referral type thing from my psychologist, and I thought he was okay so might think about seeing him at least once more to discuss medication options.

Thanks for responding 🙂 

[mully]

Thanks @Former-Member - I'm glad to hear from someone in a similar situation too! I'm sorry you went through that and that you're not having a great time right now.

I think the reason I'm good at my job is that it's the one solid thing, if you know what I mean. Everything else in my head can bubble and boil but my alarm goes off and I jump out of bed and I go do my job for those 9 hours and for those 9 hours I am doing okay. There's a lot of mask-wearing with mental illness, I have so many; for my work, family, friends, strangers, clients ... I sometimes wonder if I even remember who I actually am behind this intricate web of lies.

Re your diagnosis that is worrying you, I think that medical professionals put labels on things so that they can work toward treatment/recovery - so maybe don't get too caught up in the diagnosis as such, but rather the treatment and recovery/management. I've been "diagnosed" with lots of things, but I'd rather just be me, with my quirks, that may or may not fit into categories. The diagnosis itself isn't scary, it's how you feel about the treatment and management of your illness that can be, and with those things, you can ask lots of questions for reassurance and hopefully family/friends can support you.  

Thanks for your advice and I hope you're feeling better soon.

[Slybaby]

I have been to St. Vincents few times last year when I was living in Melbourne. I was self-sabotaging and SH and I liked being in the hospital, being taken care of , I guess it is part of being diagnosed with BPD as well.

The last time I was there i had a panic attack and I had too much pills of different kinds. I didnt have a very good experience there in regards with my MI they were forcing me to leave the ER in a very rude and hostile manner and i heard one nursing saying that I am "a new type of crazy" after that I left.
But it motivated me to stop depending on other people with my MI and also after that I was SHing less and less and now I completely stopped.

With the medication i think its worth giving it a shot. I was given a stronger one, which i refused for a long time but it really helped me.

Also i drink apple, orange, carrot, kale juice every day and go for a bike ride if you want to go for a more natural path. It helped me alot too!

I know sometimes its tiring to try everything, to do this and that, see someone, go to appointments but we have to keep pushing on. No one will help us but ourselves. ❤️ fell well!

[Appleblossom]

Hello @mully

I agree with a lot of your thoughts especially in your last post. I have never been hospitalised, but my new doctor (GP) has been lovely and gentle with me and I have taken a higher dose of meds, as she is trying to get me into a "comfortable" state.  I am very ambivalent about meds.  Given your work situation, I believe seeing doctors privately would be the least traumatic.  Good Luck with your decisions.

[mumstruggling]

@mully
I spent years with SH myself.
I actually think going to an emergency department when you feel unsafe is a good idea.
a) they may help you link to services that can genuinely help you.
b) you are away from home and in an environment where you are unlikely to sh.

[mully]

Thanks @Slybaby - it's good to here a recent experience (not good that some of the people were rude) I was recently talking to someone about the word "crazy" and how WE can use it, but other people using it can be offensive.

I have been eating less healthy food lately actually, so maybe that's an easy place to start!

[Sahara]

Hi Mully,

thanks for sharing your story with us here. I am very moved by your experiences. I agree with others here - there is nothing wrong with going to the hospital if you have exhausted other avenues and you do not feel safe.

You are so fortunate to have a caring partner who can drive you to hospital and organise things for you, too. If you need to take time off work then so be it - that is what sick-leave is for. Use the resources you have available to you.

I suffer from anxiety and have had severe depression in the past. I took medication on and off for a few years and I am glad I did. I believe it really helped me when I was at my worst. I am also a very creative person; I draw and I paint.  Thankfully, I don't believe the meds effected my creativity. I still have some paintings that I did while medicated and I think they are some of my best, most meaningful work.

I have heard lots of people say that medication made them feel numb, but fortunately that did not happen to me.  I was on the highest dose possible of my antidepressant and all it did was calm me down a little bit. In fact, my psychiatrist was surprised that I was still functioning at a high level when I was taking enough medication to daze a small elephant! 

I guess what I am getting at is that you need to take a medication dose that is specific to you.... it could take a bit of tweaking. Or you may need to experiment with different meds. There are some good ones out there. It is really worth a try. 

You may only need the meds for a period of time - don't think of them as something you will have to take forever. 

When I first got sick with depression, I was very reluctant to take antidepressants because I did not like the idea of being sick enough to have to take them. I had a lot of prejudice against people with mental illness, even though I was one of them myself! How silly was I? It's just the way I was brought up - I thought that I had to cope with everything that came my way without complaint and without getting help. 

I suppose I wanted to maintain some kind of control over the situation... a typical stance of someone with anxiety to take.