Lived Experience Forum

[Serenity1]

I just went to a counselling session told the lady - "I feel like I'm having a breakdown- I don't know what a breakdown feels like- but I feel like I'm having one "-

told her I'd been on crisis line call all morning crying & feeling like I'm about to have a breakdown-

- told her the past three weeks very stressful events at my daughters school have escalated to the point I am crying all day & on crisis lines all day & I can't get anything else done important things because I am so traumatised by the situation at my child's School-

she offered me a few words of support & at the end of it said I need to do something nice for myself!-

thats it!

i feel completely ripped off this is my fifth session & I told her how scared I was about when the sessions end -

I didn't get any helpful advice, any links in with other services- nothing-

i couldn't get to book in for another appointment for over two weeks- she gave me no coping mechanisms , no services to reach out for in the 2 week wait- nothing- just said bye-

thats it-

oh I did fill out one of those forms that they grade you on- but she didn't explain what it was for or was going to do with it. 

I feel completely let down & think she is not very good at her job!

is it going to take me literally collapsing in a heap unable to get up again to get help?

or do I have to admit myself into hospital to be taken seriously- something that if I did not have my daughter I would most likely have done by now. 

& I also told her I had pain in my chest earlier today where I think my heart is & she just fobbed me off- saying it was anxiety-it was very dull pain & only for a second or two - but now I'm beginning to think I imagined it. 

[Eden1919]

@Serenity1  I am sorry things have been so hard. The difficult thing about therapy is that honestly there isnt that much they can physically do other than offer support and a safe place to talk to help you. as far as helping with coping skills goes they can do some of that but it sounds like you havent been seeing this person for long even though 5 sessions is a while in therapy terms it is not that long and some people like to take time to get to know you and what is going on before deciding on a particular approach. another thing i just wanted to clarify is it a counsellor you are seeing or a psychologist? the 2 are quite different in aus and a psychologist is usually more skills based than a counsellor but again it depends on the practitioner. a lot of the time they cant magically make the situation any better especially in the short term most therapy goals are aimed at long term goals and they arent really always helpful for right now. most of the right now stuff is stuff you have probably been trying already. the actual reduction in anxiety is a long term process which requires a lot of effort and time to build new habits. if you are really not coping right now then you are mostly left with crisis services whcih are a bit unpredictable crisis lines are also limited in what they can do to help. and hospital is an option i suppose but it can be hard to get a bed even when you are dying they still sometimes send you home. but if that is where you are at maybe worth a try.

the other option is lookig for a psychiatrist if you think medications would be something you want to try but you would need a GP referal for that and then you have to choose between private and public and both have long long waitlists but public is fee and that is a big plus but also you dont get as much choice in who you see publicly. either option requires a GP though and correct me if i am wrong but i remember you saying you had issues with your GP?  

either way there is not really a fast fix option and it really sucks that there are not better care options for mental health care and that it is so hard to access i am sorry truly that things are so hard for you it is such a frustrating thing to be dealing with and very exhausting. i hope you can find something to help soon. 

[Teej]

That’s a really good response @Eden1919 😊

@Serenity1 I wanted to add that when we are in the really hard headspace you are in it makes it so hard to see outside it. It has taken me years to understand what @Eden1919 wrote as I felt like there had to be something else but there isn’t. I learned this the hard painful way by going through it too. It took a lot of repetition from multiple mh professionals before I got it. It really sucks but I wanted you to know you can get through it and it’s hard but it’s doable and you and your daughter are worth it. 💜🤗

[Serenity1]

@Eden1919 thanks that was a really good reply - yes I agree with all you have said- I just don't think this lady is very good at her job/ or not suited to me- literally the only words she said to me was "to do something nice for myself"-apart from a few nods& agreements in what I was saying-if your a counsellor & someone is telling you they feel like they are having/or about to have a breakdown I would expect they would be trained in what to say to help relieve that person or put some sort of plan in place if that were to happen- & then when I could not get another appointment with them for two weeks & the lady was standing at the counter with me whilst we were trying to make a booking- she didn't tell me of any other thing I could do in the long two week wait if I spiralled down further & got worse- I just don't think that is good enough

[Serenity1]

@Teej thanks- it's just really hard when i am trauma bonded with my dead mother who was so covertly Narcissitic abusive towards me my entire life , gave me NO life skills & literally took over everything in my life so I was so reliant on her that I couldn't think or function without involving her in every decision I made - then she would abandon& discard me so I broke down in a heap unable to cope & would come crawling back to her-giving her even more power over my life- I feel like I am waiting for my mum to come & rescue me- like was the messed up pattern we had created , (which I couldn't even see at the time it was happening- until she died)- but she is not coming because she is dead- so I am stuck in the heightened anxiety spiralling out of control phase & I don't know how to move forward out of it- think I just had a breakthrough lol- I'm so tired & want to give up- but thankyou for your kindness 💖

[Serenity1]

@Eden1919 thankyou for your help & kindness 💖

[Teej]

My experiences are different to yours @Serenity1 but with some similar results. I was diagnosed as having dependent personality disorder. That has made life more difficult because everyone steps back trying to make me independent. I was very codependent on my last partner which had its share of unhealthy dynamics too. It’s been 5 years since we separated but I only just feel like I’m getting to understand living independently more now. 

I cant put myself in your shoes because I’ve had some support through friends and family. It would be so hard to do this alone and my kids were old enough to be fairly independent. My heart goes out to you for that. Having said that I think that your daughter still being young is probably a good thing. It gives you something to fight for. 

Like @Eden1919 mentioned im wondering if you’ve had much exposure to a psychologist or psychiatrist. I’ve only been through the public system and have had mixed experiences but both good and bad experiences have helped me get here. Not sure if this is helpful but thought I’d write it incase it was 

[Eden1919]

@Serenity1  you're welcome. It may be the case that she is not a good fit for you that happens often I went to about 5 different people before I found the right psychologist. Sometimes counsellors dont like to say too much when people are in distress incase it makes things worse. but often not saying enough makes it worse as well. also sometimes they just stop talking when the time is up. not saying that is good or bad but everyone practices differently. perhaps your were looking for comfort or reassurance of some kind but did not get what you were hoping for. some professionals will not give reassurance to people with anxiety as some believe it will make the anxiety worse. It has taken me a long time as @Teej  mentioned to work out how the system works and i also did it the hard and long way. it is very hard because when you are in such a dark place you are just clinging to this hope that by some magic something will come and help you and make everything ok and when people say the help you need is therapy and meds or things like that i think they do people a disservice when they say that it will help without explaining how or the process. you are almost led to feel like just by being there you will get better. sadly that isnt the case but you find yourself thinking they must be able to do something this is a professional after all. but it is you and only you who can actually do anything about your situation. it is like being stuck down a well therapy, meds and professional support is the ladder but you are the one who has to climb up you have to take each step one at a time and slowly make your way to the top to get out of the well. at times you will stop and have to rest or you may even slip and fall down a few steps and have to climb them again. but the only one getting you out of the well is you. there is no quick fix or magic. it sucks and it is not fair but that is life and at the end of the day you only have to roads. 1. live through whatever life throughs at you. 2. stop living those are the only options. i try to think of it like having a physical disabilty yes it is unfair that a blind person cant enjoy sight and do the same exact things sight can allow but they can do other things and it may not be what the wanted but you cant get new eyes so you have to just live how you can and do what you can to make the time you spend worth while.

sometimes redefining your expectations can help. instead of trying to achieve societies high standards maybe just focus on what truly makes you happy or your daughter. small things can bring joy. and it is ok to need time and space to yourself as well. 

I have bad OCD and anxiety myself to the point where i have been housebound and unable to feed myself and look after myself properly and when it got to a certain point something clicked in me. i thought well you know what this may be the end of me but if it is there is nothing i can do to stop it and being so scared and exhausted all the time and stressing over everthing in sight isnt going to stop that either so maybe i should just stop caring and just do the things i want. a sort of calm came to me from just accepting the what if. all i got from anxiety was pain and suffering and i am not saying you can turn it off i am still anxious a lot but now i dont let it control me in that way. i just notice it and move on. of course this takes time and is hard when you are so deep. but try and hang on and take small steps.