Lived Experience Forum

[Mrtoken]

My partner and I have been together for 5 months, however over the last 2 months our sex life has come to a complete hault. <br><br>I believe it's important to note a few bits of information:<br>- I am 29, he is 19.<br>- We have both recently Identified that we were addicted to Marijuana useage and have been clean for 4-5 weeks.<br>- Over the past 2 months, I have been experiencing Anxiety and depression.(surrounding lack of intimacy, however I understand that correlation does not equal causation)<br>- I relocated from Brisbane, to Melbourne so be with him, leaving behind a support networt of Friends &amp; Family.<br><br>Three days ago, we had an open and honest discussion regarding his lack of interest in sexual intimacy which led to him expressing doubts that he may think that he is not gay.<br><br>This situation induced severe Anxiety and feelings of worthlessness on my behalf. Our discussion led to a verbal disagreement and saw us sleep in seperate rooms of the house.<br><br>The following day, I awoke from a dream in which my partner commited suicide, which woke me up and induced, by far, the most intense Panic/Anxiety Attack that I have ever experienced. My partner had left the house for the day, however I call him and he returned home midway through my Panci Attack.<br><br>During this time, he was cold and passive-aggressive towards me. I was physically upset to the point of vomitting. It was at this stage where he took it upon himself to leave the house again. <br><br>My Attack became more violent and I began to have suicidal thoughts. I felt alone, and isolated. It was at this time that I had a genuine fear for my life.<br><br>Having unsuccessfully attempted in 2010, I knew that I was at high risk. Feeling I had no options, I contacted the Police. Eventually, my partner came home and an Ambulance was called and I was transported to Hospital.<br><br>I was seen by someone from psychiatric triage and underwent an evaluation. In the coming weeks, I am to begin a course of Anti-depressants, as well as a Mental Health Care Plan. <br><br>While I am keen to begin working on myself, I still feel that the underlying issues My partner and I are having, regarding intimacy, also need to be addressed. I'm not sure what to do.<br><br>I love him so fiercely, and the fear of losing him plays on my mind a lot. He has verbally reassured me that he loves me and wants to be with me, however the lack of any intimacy and physical contact continually perpetuates my feelings of worthlessness. I can not seem to shake the feelings that I my gender may be the issue, but that he's forcing himself to be with me, out of pity.<br><br>I don't want him to feel obligated to be intimate with me, however it has affected me in such a way that I feel that that is exactly how he feels. <br><br>Am I going crazy? I have nowhere to turn and have no idea where to start to try and fix this... and I can not help but feel like a burden.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Mrtoken,

Welcome to the forum. Just wanted to give a quick response even though I don't have immediate answers to your issues. A few things came to mind when reading your post:

. you both may be experiencing withdrawals from the green. Some people doubt that these exist but I can say from first hand experience they can be very real especially in the early stages of withdrawing

. your intense response to the situation with your partner is understandable and you did a brave thing by reaching out for help when you knew your safety was at risk

. congrats on your plan to start medication and counselling, this also shows you are committed to looking after yourself by seeking help

. if possible, I would suggest trying to keep your mind focussed on your health and wellbeing instead of the troubles in your relationship at present. It is your survival and wellbeing that is most important, whether or not this relationship continues. 

Kindest wishes to you.

[utopia]

Hi @Mrtoken. I agree with @Mazarita that your health should be the primary concern right now and it's great to see you sought help straight away.
You seem to be focused on physical intimacy - whereas your partner is stating he is not sure he is gay. These are two opposite extremes.
I wonder, if you reach out for physical intimacy when you are feeling insecure or depressed. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But it appears to be the opposite of what your partner needs.
I wonder, if it would be possible for the next month or so, that you focus on your health - & let your partner work on his issues of sexuality.
During this time, would you be able to not initiate any physical intimacy & let your partner take the lead there? Instead, spend your time talking, snuggling on the couch, holding hands.
Maybe discuss this with your partner and see what he thinks.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mrtoken. 

I agree with the others in that this is a good time for you to concentrate on your health. I wanted to say too that 19 is a time of lots of self discovery and although at that age you are technically an adult there is so much processing going on. I have a son that age. I think he would be struggling with lots of what's happening at the moment too because it's all very new and probably very scary. That's not to take away what you feel but perhaps it might be worth understanding that being with someone that age will take lots of patience and time for them to grow as well. Caring for someone with MI is also learned. It doesn't naturally happen. I do understand your needs but hope you can find a place where you can both learn and grow together at a pace you both feel comfortable with. You sound like you have lots of love to give 💜🤗