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Re: Independence and Friendship

@P12 

 

Hi P12, 

I'm not suggesting it will take you longer to find friends than most people, sorry if it read that way. I was trying to explain that making a good friend is a long process for anyone, there being a huge difference between a true friend and a mere adquaintance.

 

I've had a look at your other couple of posts and I'm sorry I missed them; please tag me if you add to the thread. There is a whole generation out there who believe you can "fake it 'til you make it" and, unfortunately, they are doing quite well for themselves. I shake my head.

 

You wrote: "Does the law mean that fraudulently feigning skill and talent is an integral part of society    yeah, pretty much.... (it apparently worked for Hamlet, he became onr of literature's most famous characters) and why does it not define reasonable as one person acting with dignity and integrity, regardless of whether others think the same? because we live in a world where "facts" are alternative, news is fake and we have a whole generation who's moral compass has been forged by the Kardashians, than's why.

What part of society values people who act truthfully?"  what has been described as my 'disarming honesty' has got me into hot water quite a few times over the years.

 

These days I view discretion as the better part of valour. I keep my own counsel most of the time and only offer my opinions when asked. Even then I will filter them into a more socially acceptable form. When aspy-bipolar partner is off and running it doesn't pay to disagree or try to point out that the world doesn't work that way. He really struggles with the world not conforming to his finely honed ethical standard. He is very moral and honest, yes, but his neurons don't fire in the same way as most of us and can rarely view a situation from another's standpoint. I'm pretty good at that so we balance each other out.

 

I am often content believing that the error is with other people. Many don't value me the way I believe they should (like my ungrateful offspring) but I accept that there is absolutly nothing I can do to change that. I needed professional  help to reach that conclusion and get on with my own life.

 

You are correct that autocracy is everywhere. I think it probably has been since we took our first steps out of Africa. We are tribes, not individuals. "Life must be strange game in which there is no purpose, some people are luckily in power, while others are unluckily not".....a strange game indeed, but one finds a purpose through it all. A simple purpose like raising healthy children or a more complex one through career or philanthropy. I do believe we all have a purpose and I have come to the conclusion that mine is standing by this extremely strange and irrepairably damaged man I find myself caring for.

 

Somebody once gave me a fridge magnet that reads "I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas".

 

Make of that what you will.

 

P12 I really enjoy the way you write. There is a clarity in your use of language that I admire. Please keep writing to me and tag me so I know your missives have arrived. Who knows, within the autocratic constraints of this anonymous forum we may become friends.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Independence and Friendship

@SJT63, I am curious why you describe your partner as a strange and irrepairably damaged person? I think if someone lives their life in the personality they have been given by birth and developed through life experience, then the real error is of the other people who exclude those individuals because they don't fit in. For example, many individuals and organisations use utilitarian logic - satisfaction of objectives on average is acceptable and a few small discrepancies or outliners are unimportant.... except from the perspective of those individuals.

Re: Independence and Friendship

@P12 He wasn't born with ptsd. There was a defining event. A trauma which, 15 years later, he cannot put behind him. 

 

Everything you've said applies to his autism and, to a degree, to the bipolar disorder which may or may not have been exacerbated by drug use.

 

I say irrepairably damaged because I believe we are never going to get past what happened to him then. His autism prevents him from letting go of any past injustice and when manic he will dwell on events that happened 20, 30 or 40 years ago and plan his revenge. Plans which are thankfully never brought to fruition.

 

The thing is, the "injustice" is often something that a neurotypical (like me) wouldn't even notice. Two years ago the new Principal stood up to speak at a parent assembly and despite having been introduced by the Deputy didn't formally introduce herself to her audience. That very topic was raised again this morning and made me late for work as he'd received an email from the school and the unprofessionalism of the Principal once again became his focus.

 

I left him today ranting about the high school and making notes for the phone calls of complaint he plans to make to them later this morning; for the third day in a row. Most of the points he makes are valid but it's the way he tackles solving them that finds the school, his ex, the body corporate chairman or medical receptionist calling security, the police or an ambulance depending on the nature of his threats.

 

I have no problem with his logic taking a different path to mine, or to most, but I joined this forum as a carer because he does live with several complex mental health issues and I needed more insight and support. Here I've been able to connect with others who's partners behave similarly to mine and also to others who live like he. I can ask them questions and gain insight that I cannot ask him for fear of triggering another attack.

 

Maybe "strange" was the wrong word. Maybe "enigmatic" in that no matter what I do and how much I modify my behaviour I cannot ever second guess what his reactions will be. The goal posts continually shift. Things are much better than they were six months ago since his new psychologist pointed out just how autistic he was. I now have more appropriate tools in my kit than when I thought I was just dealing with mental illness. ASD I don't see as a illness, just a-typical thought processes and that I can deal with.

 

However, his other conditions mean that his responses to things that trigger the ASD can be very volatile. At 12:30 this morning I got out of bed to use the bathroom. At 1:15am he snapped on the lights and woke me to berrate me for being so inconsiderate as to wake him in the night and prevent him from getting back to sleep. By 1:45 his temper was abating as I promised, over and over, never to do that again. Eventually he forgave me and I was permitted to fall back to sleep while he frantically made notes in the "good ideas book" about how he would seek revenge on his body corporate managers.

 

Tonight I will have to ask if this means that I cannot get out of bed at all, or just not come back. If the former then I will have to sleep on the couch permanently because there is no way, at my age, I can go all night without the bathroom. He will tell me that everything is fine and that I am to sleep in my own bed. I will believe him. The rules will change again the next time I transgress. I have a spare room, but at least 3 nights a week it is occupied by his sons.

 

Conversely, he wakes me up during the night repeatedly. He eats all night. He has boxes and packets of all sorts of snacks lined up down the middle of the bed and I am constantly disturbed by the popping of lids and the rustling of packaging. He dozes while doing this so oft times he will wake himself up  choking on whatever was in his mouth when he fell asleep. Once awake, snap crackle pop and we're off again and this pattern will repeat for hours. Usually by about 2am it settles down and I get about 3 hours  unbroken sleep before I get up for work. Unless he can't find his hanky or his beanie and then I'm woken again with all lights blazing to help him look for it.

I fall asleep at my desk most afternoons. He has the luxury of being able to nap for hours during the day if he needs to.

 

His hipocrasy used to bother me much more but now I understand that his thought processes are very different from mine and that he isn't mentally capable of much empathy I have learnt to live with it.

 

You know what? I'm still going with "strange" because I don't see it as a pejorative word. It means "different from the ordinary" and he is. We are all strange is some ways, I hope, because if we were all ordinary there would no human achievement.

Re: Independence and Friendship

I suspect your are spot on about there being many autocratic organisations in Australian society @P12 .

Wish things were more democratic or that I knew the magic way to feel it is possible to make a good impact. I used to write about participatory democracies ... but that was all in theory. Being on this forum has been helpful to me in being heard.

 

The feigning competence is greatly concerning. Recently at a break in PD training 2 young uns admitted to each other it was all about "fake it til you make it" .... aaah ... sometimes ... but ... 

 

I have been concerned about the word "reasonable" in some work and home contexts.  I tend not to be able to take the notion of reasonable for granted ... possibly as I have lived in many very unreasonable circumstances.

 

Just chatting

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