Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

-0.00 strength left. No easing up of the stress to do with my house, finances and so on. I feel completely stuck with no way out. 

Written a few posts here now.

@Anastasia 

Can you tag a few people in my other posts who you know will give me support and feedback. 

It's just not a time where I need to bear suiting with you or nobody knows what to say. That is not beneficial or helpful to me whatsoever right now. 

I truly don't know which way to turn anymore. 

[Anastasia]

Yes sweetheart on to it now x

[SJT63]

@Powderfinger 

hello lovely

I'm a bit depleted right now, I've had a huge abcess on my tooth from which I am now recovering

the thing is, I don't have a quick fix or immediate answers for you

your relationship with your girlfriend was heady stuff, rapid and intoxicating - I understand that feeling of instant connection and how it seems like you were always together - somehow inexplicably joined by the greater powers of the universe. 

That was what happened with me and the very ill man with whom I am now making my life. I have to confess that almost three years later I wish I had been a little more circumspect  at the outset as I have made a very hard road for myself. If I had pulled the pin sometime in the first year - taking the advice of all who knew me - my life would be much happier and easier. 

I stayed to avoid the gut-wrenching pain of separating. I believe I made a mistake but now our lives are too entwined and he and his family rely too much on me for this to ever change. I'm not unhappy, but I do wonder sometimes why I've made my own life so hard. I guess the grass is always greener.

When my husband died, about a year before I met this bloke, I thought I would never emerge from the horror of suddenly finding myself alone. The thing about life is that it just keeps moving. The clock keeps ticking and we keep revoloving around the sun.

In my experience, what seems insurmountable one moment is no big deal a week, a month or a year later. My old mum always used to say "these things too shall pass", which I believe is from the Bible, but it's what keeps me going some days.

As far as your living arrangements go, you seem to me to be the sort of person who may find more peace living alone than sharing with a stranger. Is the prospect of you finding more modest accommodation alone out of the question?

So I have no real insight, I have no solutions, but I am listening and I do send hugs 

S x

[Powderfinger]

@SJT63 

It is nice to hear from you. I need some time to consider your post as I do wish to respond. Right now I have to get off my computer and get some things done though. I look forward to responding. 

Love Powderfinger xx

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

Sending you love. You are in my thoughts. xx

[Anastasia]

Awwwww, that's special, thanks beautiful girl 😘🤗

@Powderfinger 

[Powderfinger]

@SJT63 

Hi. 

I hope you are getting better. It has taken me a while to respond becauss It takes me time to process things. 

Thank you for understanding the "spiritual aspect of it". I am yet to figure even that out. 

I have read quite a few of your posts about your journey. I guess we all make our own choices. I am not sure if there are any right or wrong choices to be honest. As for you leavving him and the pain of seperating, I can understand that. I didn't ever want to know life without her in it. The thought of it broke my heart. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. It wasn't just the feeling of being in love, I was very much in love with her. Everything I wanted to do in life and she wanted to do in life, I wanted to do together. I had never felt what I had felt with her before and I had never been the way I was with her with anyone before either. I will also say that my choice and it was a choice was to let go. I could have kept going with her, I could have stayed through it all. At the end of the day, I had to go with how I was feeling in my head, heart and body. 

My head was a huge mess and still is, my heart was completely shattered and enevr really had time to repair from one hurt to the next, to the next and my body was a mess too. A mess from all the constant stress and what I see as abuse. I wanted to be more patient with her and give her more time. I am extremely sensitive and I had to watch her struggle. When I saw it, I really just wanted to scoop her oin my arms, give her lost of kisses and cuddles. Tell her amazing things to cheer her up. I usually did that 90% of the time. I saw her struggling and feeling defeated. I also saw the amazing potential she had. I catered to both sides. The struggling and the achiever. 

I am not sure why we did not work out. I have not been able to answer that for myself. Maybe one day I will be able to. Msot people question if their decision was right. I have done it and I still do it. There is really silence when I ask myself. Nothing is there. I ask myself if I made the right decision to tell her that when she walks out the door, that is my goodbye. She was a master of disguise though. She acted like she didnt care. I think she may of hid her pain. I do miss her. I cry when I do miss her. At times I want to reach out to her. I know I cant. I will more than likely not get a response. I do not know if we will ever see each other again or speak to each other. I live in a small regional town, so I expect that at some stage we may bump into each other. That will be hard. 

As for my living arrangements. To be honest, I think it will be better to live on my own. It is just not possible with this amount of rent. I have someone coming to look at the room tomorrow. In oder to move I would need to break my lease, find new tenants to move in, find another place of my own and by law I would be responsible for paying the rent here until new tenants were found. Because I am leasing privately that also makes it a bit trickier. So, I am just going to have to stay here. My lease runs out in June this year. I will see where things are at and may move to a new place that is cheaper and I am on my own. 

Powderfinger. 

[Powderfinger]

@Anastasia 

You're special and you're welcome. xx