Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anastasia]

Oh hunny I'm so sorry @SJT63 

You need to believe you are worth more...only then will you have the strength and courage to leave. I suggest do everything in your power to build your self esteem. I went to the gym, read self help.books, saw a therapist, the results gave me my self worth back, I was able to leave. It took many attempts and I was scared but I did it, you can do this xox

[Appleblossom]

Hello @SJT63 

I could only reaad a little of your post but I got the general drift.  Been there, and I would like to assure you as a woman who has lived with a lot of manipulations and emotional blackmail.  You deserve better.  Dont diss on yourself.  When 2 people are fighting over the log they can both drown,  if he cannot be mature, you are better off out.  Figure out the co-dependencies.  Sorry if I am too brief.  Going through own stuff atm.

[Shaz51]

hugs @SJT63 

[Anastasia]

Are you ok @SJT63 ?

[SJT63]

Ok but sad and confused xoxo

[Anastasia]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Want to talk about it? Here for you @SJT63 

Sending hugs in the hope it helps a little bit x

[HenryX]

@SJT63 

Hello SJT,

I am really sorry about your situation. From what you have said elsewhere, I believe you have put your best into the relationship. Not just the other person, but the extended family, parents and children.

Unfortunately, it is the other people in the picture whom we also learn to care for and about. That makes possible decisions sometimes so much more difficult to make.

My sincere concern is extended to You,

I feel assured that Your distress is felt by others

I believe I share with others from the forum

Extended to You with much Sadness

Sentiments of Support and Comfort

HenryX

[SJT63]

@HenryX @Anastasia @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope 

The weekend was not too bad. Well, it started badly on Friday with me having an allergic reaction to the anitbiotics the dentist gave me and then falling in a crumpled heap. Sunday after three failed attempts we managed a bedroom session through to the end so he was a little happier. I won't go into all the reasons why the first three attempts fell in a hole, but of course it was all my fault. It usually is. The irony is that I've never seen such things as being anyone's fault, but I'm not a man.

A lot of things that need to be blamed on someone are not really even things, let alone things that require blame, but there you go.

I am a little bitter and twisted today.

Sunday he was fine. Sunday he was nice to be around. Sunday he even managed to send his poor dad and email apologising for he behaviour almost a month ago when he screamed like a banshee down the phone and hung up on him.

Last night his dad phoned and it went well and while Mr S was a bit fragile most of the evening, the boys were there and he kept it together. The door was slammed once because something wasn't gluing properly, but on the whole......

This morning he spilled a jar of pins onto his work bench and the dogs of war were once again unleashed. His inability to deal with even the smallest of frustrations send the negative thoughts racing through his mind and we were once again back onto the body corporate's decision to chop down his tree almost a year ago.

All along I've said "get legal advice" and today I am persona non-grata because I will not do it for him. The last time I ran away from home I sent an email pointing out why I think he doesn't have a leg to stand on, but if I'm wrong, GET LEGAL ADVICE.

This morning, as a result of the little thing that went a bit wrong (the pins) I was physically trapped and badgered until I gave a reason why I wouldn't sort out his place for him. I try very hard not to engage which is perhaps not the best tactic because this has been gurgling along for a bit... but forced into it I told him I don't want to "sort this for you" because 1. when I can't sort the problem out  it will become my fault and 2. I don't want to appear foolish.

red rag

bull

If I'm not prepared to have this sorted (he thinks that the body corporate chairman will be gaoled if he refuses to pay for a new tree and/or fully ducted airconditioning out of his own pocket) then I will be forced to pay for it out of my own pocket. 

I thought he was going to flatten me - but he didn't. I remained calm and spoke in low metered tones. I held my ground and just repeated "please let me go to work now" about a dozen times until he finally stepped aside.

I am super proud of myself for not agreeing to anything that made me uncomfortable. In the past I have put myself into some very awkward situations for him and ended up under fire from all sides. I don't want to do that any more.

I am super proud of myself for not crying, or begging, or apologising but calmly and with no temper or malice, quietly standing my ground. And he didn't hit me. And a little part of me kinda wishes he had, because that would give me permission to end it. I can see it on the horizon; the longer I refuse to play the game that puts him in charge of me the greater my chances of punishment.

BRING IT ON!

yes... not quite feeling myself today I'm afraid.

I've been told not to come home - but I have nothing with me as the emergency kit didn't make it back into the car since the flight 3 weeks ago. A bit closer to knock off time I will text and ask permission to come home first to collect some clothes etc. 

Then he will give me permission to stay.  In my own house ffs.

I feel very out of sorts, and I think it's because I'm angry. Anger is not an emotion I give in to very often and it doesn't sit well. I'm supposed to be patient and forgiving and I promise I am most of the time....

and I also don't do "poor me" all that often.. but today IT'S JUST NOT FAIR that all the drama he creates for himself should be my problem.

If you actually google "is it still gaslighting if my partner has aspergers" you get a very helpful article on GoodTherapy dot org.

thanks to all

S

[Anastasia]

Dear @SJT63 

Hugs and love and a response when I can I promise. X

[Former-Member]

Hey @SJT63, I'm both sorry and alarmed by how you were treated. Sending lots of support your way 💐

I know that for a lot of us, physical violence can be seen as the most unambiguously bad way to be treated, but I'd like to affirm that physical intimidation, manipulation, coercion, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. are all also unacceptable ways to be treated; there's absolutelty permission to end things on the basis of any of these alone.

I'm aware that you are/have been in touch with forms of professional support including help lines, but for easy reference again, if you'd like more support you can contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). 

It's great that you're standing your ground more and I encourage you to hold strong to yourself, your values, and your needs. Take good care