Lived Experience Forum

[EnergiserBunny7]

So I got diagnosed with BPD recently, and I'm having so many awkward bouts of anxiety and depression, and I feel like, if my personality isn't quite me, who am I really then? Trying to reach out for help, but I don't seem to be getting anywhere. Anyway, to get to the point, the only person that's walking down this road beside me is my partner, my wings, my saving grace. He's being so strong for me, so loving, so sacrificing, he's doing everything he can to help me, but I'm constantly having mood swings and getting angry or sad with him, and I can't stop! I can't do this to him, I don't want him hurt, and I don't want to lose him. Please, how do I stop doing this to him? I don't know what I'm doing anymore 😞 I don't know where to get help. I'm so lost.

[Mazarita]

Welcome to the forum, @EnergiserBunny7

It's great that you are reaching out for some support. Many people here will relate to what you are saying. Though I have a different diagnosis, I can relate to the mood swings, sadness and anger affecting relationships in my life. I wonder whether you are getting any ongoing treatment with a psychologist, psychiatrist or other health professional. It might help us to understand a little better if you are able to give some more details about your situation. Wishing you well and hoping you will keep posting.

[EnergiserBunny7]

Thank you, it takes a load off my shoulders by just knowing that I'm not alone. I really just hate that these problems affect the people I love. If I could just bite my tongue and not hurt them, I'm sure everyone would feel better, including myself. No, I'm not being treated at the moment. I've been in the hospital and seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but I just keep getting referred back to my doctor because they want me to have dialectical behavior therapy, and they don't provide it. I'm trying so hard to seek help so I can help myself, but I feel like a bouncy ball between all these industries. So much change is painful. I'm currently studying full time, and I'm trying to so hard to stick with it, even though every day feels like I'm walking through quicksand. I'm having so much trouble doing daily activities, but I'm at least trying to get the house clean so it's nice when my boyfriend gets home. And I'm taking medication for the anxiety and depression, but I feel less myself on it, but they won't change it.

[Mazarita]

Good to hear you are feeling a bit of a load off. 

I know what you mean about hurting loved ones. My biggest regrets in life are to do with that.

I don't have any experience of trying to access dialectical behavioural therapy, but I have recently used Google searches to find the mental health care I need in my local area. After gathering some names of possible practitioners or clinics, I've then rung around to find out more, about costs, medicare rebates available, whether they could take me on. Then I went to my GP and asked them to refer me to the practitioner of my choice. This has worked well for me so far.

One other thing that might be worth mentioning from my experience with GPs is that dealing with mental health issues with them often seems to work better if you schedule a 'long appointment'. That way they are not having to get you in and out in 15 minutes and you might get a chance to talk a bit more, maybe say directly to them that you want to access DBT and can they help you with that. But you may have already been through this without getting anywhere...

I wonder if @Crazy_Bug_Lady or @Billamba have anything to add about living with BPD. Or if anyone else has any thoughts about accessing DBT.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @EnergiserBunny7

It sounds like you are battling witha lot at the moment .. keep believing in your study and relationship and go easier on yourself with judgement.

Apparently there are positive outcomes for those who do manage to apply the emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills.

There are a few options for DBT in Melbourne ... eg Spectrum is public but hard to get in to ... and the DBT clinic is private ... are you near a major city?

Does your partner realise how much you value him and that you are struggling to come to terms with a serious diagnosis?

Go gently with yourself while you organise support.

[EnergiserBunny7]

Its so sad that these things happen, and that we end up regretting things like this. I often just wish I had an off button, as I'm sure many people did. I would trade a lot of things to not injure loved ones.

That's a really good idea, you should be so proud of yourself to get out there like that and gather your own data. I think it would make me feel a lot better if I could research my own therapist/treatment etc, I'd feel more in control instead of like a towel flapping in a clothesline. Thank you so much for the idea, and I'm really glad this is working for you, hopefully I can do the same.

Yes, I do book double appointments, but the doubles at my clinic are only 20 minutes, and they always check my asthma and arthritis health plans and medication, so by the time that's over, it still only leaves ten minutes and they've refused to let me book longer appointments. I've tried telling them to skip that and that I've got more important things to worry about, but my clinic seems a little funny with mental health issues.

If anyone else has anything to add, I would love that. Even just having you few people is a godsend. I've literally never even had someone like-minded to talk to about these things.

[EnergiserBunny7]

I will keep pushing through my study, I need something to take up my time. I try not to judge myself, I do try.

I haven't been told much about DBT yet, but I need to try something. And yes, I live near Perth, or at least relatively close.

I do tell him as often as I can how much he means to me, and I try to show him the best I can, I just hope it works, because he really is my saving grace.

I will try to go easy on myself, thank you for your support.

[Appleblossom]

I have often found it difficult to manage all my health issues in the times that the GP has allocated ... I go in with lists ... and am very clear etc ... but I think sometimes they also want to know their patient as people too ... the good GPs that is ..

There is also a website called the shack about BPD.  Good Luck

[Former-Member]

@EnergiserBunny7 I can 100% relate to you and how you feel. My husband is also my saving grace and the only person who stands by me and puts up with my mood swings. I don't have BPD I got Bipolar and I'm up and down like a yoyo.

I have zero clue how he puts up with me and I have even told him if he wants to leave me that's ok because I don't want this life for him but he just keeps telling me he loves me and I'm the most amazing person in the world. (I sometime think there's something wrong with him lol)

I feel really guilty by the way I treat him and I know deep down I don't want to treat him this way and I can hear your the same but something in me can't control my emotions yet.

So what I do when I'm feeling what I call human is I write nice notes to my partner telling him how much I appreciate him and value him or buy him everything he wants. It's only small windows but I think he apprishiates it and makes him feel valued.

I don't know what to suggest to stop doing it and letting out emotions on our partners. But I must say we are very lucky.

But my tip for when your feeling overwhelmed and like everything is literally spinning and you can feel every emotion in your body mixing together at once is to BREATH.

[JoseJones]

Welcome to the forum @EnergiserBunny7.  I'm very sorry to hear of the troubles you've experienced, and I just want to acknowledge the very helpful contributions of @Mazarita @Former-Member @Appleblossom in this thread.  I'm glad to note that knowing there's other people who've experienced similar things makes you feel better.

I wonder if @catalytic @Rose11 can offer some insights into this as well?