09-07-2019 06:12 AM
I’ve had episodes of absolutely hating myself in the last 3 years, although I’ve never told anyone. I did some research and I thought it might be depression or BPD but I haven’t been diagnosed. It got really bad last year in my final year at school. But I somehow got through it, telling myself that making it into my dream couse and finding friends in uni (I had no friends in school) would fix everything. And I was so happy the past six months and I thought I was over all that. But now it’s starting again and I think this time it’s worse. I don’t know how to stop it.
09-07-2019 06:38 AM
Welcome to the forum Anna00,
I am sorry to read that things have become increasingly difficult for you. It is good you have found this forum, it can be a very supportive place, where sharing experiences can be beneficial.
Wenna (overnight moderator)
09-07-2019 09:13 AM
Hi @Anna00 , nice to meet you. I'm sorry you have been suffering from depression and possibly BPD. Are you at uni now? I would suggest talking to your GP and maybe a therapist. Apparantly you can get 10 referrals to a specialist through medicare. I haven't done it, but, i've seen a lot of people her refer to it. I am probably going to do it myself for further support as I'm struggling a bit myself lately.
Self diagnosis isn't ideal. It sounds like you need help to stop or control what you are going through. I'm not sure I've suffered depression, I was diganosed bipolar 2 last year after a severe manic episode. Is it not having friends that has you down? I didn't have the problem so much at school, but, I do now. Can definitely relate along with others here.
If you include a @Gazza75 in your reply I'll get notified if you respond. Take care, wishing you all the best.
09-07-2019 11:20 AM - edited 09-07-2019 11:22 AM
@Gazza75 thanks so much for the reply. I honesty don’t know if I’m just overreacting or not, because the first semester has been really good. I made friends, but suddenly I feel like I’m a nuisance and they don’t genuinely like me, and I don’t know how to get past that. I’m really afraid of being alone. Now that I know what if feels like to belong somewhere it’s really scary to go back to being the freak. My mood changes a lot as well, sometimes I absolutely hate myself to the point of wanting to give up, then later I don’t feel that bad. It’s hard to figure out which version is reliable and to figure out how to behave.
About the GP, I don’t want anyone to know that I might have a disorder because I don’t want to be seen as a failure. My sister is causing enough trouble to my parents that I don’t want to add to it, and I don’t want to be seen as incapable. Whereas without a diagnosis, I can behave ‘normal’ enough around people and be functional.
09-07-2019 11:47 AM
Hi again @Anna00 ,
Your welcome for the reply. It sounds diffucult handling uni and the friends that you have been making. I understand the feeling of being alone and isolated. What makes you think that people don't like you? I don't think you should see yourself as a freak. Not one bit. I understand how you feel about the GP and the stigma around mental health. What you and your GP discuss is confidential. Maybe you could see a different one to your regular if that makes you more comfortable?
I wouldn't let the trouble your sister is causing deter you from finding your own help. I'm sure your parents care about you both deeply and would want the best for you as well. Reachng out for help here and through a doctor is brave and no easy thing to do.
You seem determined to try and tackle this yourself as best you can and I respect you for that. If you were diagnosed with something, you will have more of an idea on how to handle everything. It may be that you don't need meds, other supports might be enough for you. Your uni migh have counselling or support services that you can try. That might be an easier place to start.
I'm sure other people with far more smarts than Me will chime in and offer you support here. I think at the end of the day we all have to find our way through this, but, we all try and help each other as best we can.
What kind of things do you like to talk about? Do you have any hobbies?
A bit about Me, i had a severe manic episode about 14 months ago, triggered by pressure, lack of sleep and other things, i was put into a mental health facility for a month and diagnosed bipolar 2. I have been medicated and stable since. I really want to be free of the meds and the side effects they have brought upon Me. Prior to my admission I probably felt the same as you around capability. Now I feel like I have a greater apprecaition of the challenges around mental health and more of an appreciation of the things I do have in life.
Well done on the @tag, take care Anna
10-07-2019 08:34 PM
Welcome to the forums @Anna00 and thanks for sharing some of your story with us. A lot of people can relate to being isolated and then anxious about losing the new group of friends. It's almost like we don't believe we deserve friends, or that they're not genuine. You have to remind yourself of the great things about you that have helped you make those friends in the first place, and be forgiving of yourself above all else. It's natural to feel self doubt or unsure at times. The dream course sounds great, how is that going so far? What have been the coolest new things you've learned?
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