Lived Experience Forum

[33cRioli]

I'm in my mid forties and have found myself hermiting more over recent years.

My early 20's were filled with housesharing, parties and study.  I had my first major manic and psychotic episode aged 25 and life changed....a lot.  Friends dropped off, the highs in my mood disappeared thanks to medication which increased my appetite and saw me gain much weight.  Jobs became harder to hold as I began drinking more and more, plus I developed obstructive sleep apnea (unbeknownst to me...I was just tired all the time).

I found that all of this made my mood drop massively.  In spite of all this I managed to stop drinking in 2012 because I was relying on it too much.  However my tendency to retreat has become a habit like social phobia.  Its as if because I can't rely on alcohol as an icebreaker anymore I have no confidence at all, and subsequently when I am in the company of friends or acquaintances I can't animate myself or hold a decent conversation.

So for me, I've found it easier to isolate which has seen me become agoraphobic at times.  This is also because I've been hurt in some friendships.  I've found it difficult to relate to many people since being on meds and having ups and downs with my illness.

Can anyone relate to this?

[Appleblossom]

 I can relate.  I live in the city but it is still possible to be a bit of a hermit.

 I have been hurt by "friends" too ... I need to learn to put boundaries on a relationship earlier ... as in not be too agreeable ...

its great that you manage without dependance on alcohol ..lots cant .... I am just a social drinker ... a few drinks per year ...

I want to find someone I can enjoy bushwalking and watch a few movies with ... but as we get older everybody has their fixed ideas ... that seem to get in the way ... me too I guess ... if I have been hurt by a similar sort of person in the past ... its hard not to react ... in the present

but ... welcome to the forums

[chookmojo]

Hi @33cRioli , 

I can relate to a lot of this. I was at my most severely ill in my late teens and early twenties and my social anxiety developed into agoraphobia which left me almost totally housebound for a couple of years, and very limited for many more. I also self medicated with morphine and weed. I have had years of struggling to maintain jobs, and friendships... So yeah, I can relate.

For me, now in my late 30s fighting that desire to seclude myself away is still a daily struggle, but one I have learned is essential for my well-being as the more I isolate the more sensitive I become and I very rapidly head back down the road to agoraphobia. The thing is it doesn't really help me. At first going out seems hard, then impossible, but soon I can't check the mailbox, or open the curtains or answer the phone. It is never enough. It never can be enough because the fear and anxiety are in me, not actually out in the world. So because I have learned that the world will never be small enough for my brain to be completely at ease, I make sure I keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone just enough to stop it from shrinking.

It is hard work, and constant but it stops me from getting to a point where I am trapped. It is just enough to maintain choice.

At this point in my life I have few real life friends, but the ones I have know me and accept me for who and what I am, including long stretches of being incommunicado, or cancelling on plans. I have quite acfew lovely online friendships, including here on these fprums, where I can talk and sharecand relate with other people. And I have penpals, which is a slower form of the same thing, and good for when I am not up to the pressure of immediate responses.

I was recently diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder too, which has gone a long way towards explaining why social interactions and relating to others has a always been so difficult for me and is probably an underlying factor in at least some of my mental health struggles over the years.

I just wanted to add how incredibly proud of you I am that you quit drinking! That is a real achievement and it is awesome that you were able to recognise your reliance on it and take steps to liberate yourself!

[33cRioli]

Thanks for the welcome appleblossom.  I know what you mean about the need to put boundaries on friendships; I've tended to make a new friend then end up being "the listener" to them and their issues/problems/daily doings.  This might sound weird but when I come to the realisation that my conversations with a friend turn out to be roughly 80% their stuff and 20% mine, I back away.  I can't handle being someone's would-be support worker.  I know friendship is about leaning on each other and being there for each other, but sometimes this is too lopsided for me.

[33cRioli]

Hi chookmojo, thanks for your response.  I agree that it is a struggle to fight off the instinct to withdraw and isolate.  At the moment I can only manage to do so here and there; like for a couple of weeks at a time.  In August I was doing well and going out for the odd coffee along with trying to walk my dog around the block.  I struggle with walking my dog because I have a morbid fear she'll be attacked by a larger off-leash dog, hence I am racked with anxiety when I take her.

In SEptember I got into a bad habit of staying up watching YouTube till 5am and waking at midday then mooching round the house all afternoon smoking cigarettes.  So that kept me indoors.

Now I am still struggling with getting a decent sleep which can limit how motivated I  get to go out.  Like last night I slept from 12.30-5.30am.  I woke early because my c-pap mask popped off again due to the velcro wearing out.  I also have diabetes.  So along with being on 6 diff meds I get dizzy and extremely fatigued unless all the planets allign and I sleep well for a few nights in a row.  When I feel sub-par I don't like going out much; kinda like a bad hangover.

So I need to try and be vigilant about sleep routines which is sometimes easier said than done.

Sorry for the whinge but I guess I felt the need to explain some of the factors behind my instinct to remain at home when I know it isn't healthy for me to do so.

[33cRioli]

Also chookmojo: thanks for the support on me quitting the booze!  I tried many many times when I was in my 30's to stop but couldn't leave it alone.  I tried rehab, AA, New Life Program, Drug and alcohol counsellors: nothing worked!!!  The only thing that helped me finally was that I had to really really really want to give up, along with my psych putting me on medication which helped my anxiety.  I drop in to the odd AA meeting still but maily to be around people, not because I'm afraid of drinking again.

[BarbaraH]

I can relate to your experience. I'm heading in that direction-fewer and fewer friends -more social anxiety. All the best.

[Appleblossom]

Isnt interesting that you drop in to AA for people contact ... at least you are aware of the difference ... a lot of us have self medicated in the past ...

A few years ago I started to time the "listener" and "speaker" roles in my relationships. I felt my counselling skills and style were being used for free ... and I guess it is better to know where we honestly stand in a relationship ... I find it difficult to put those boundaries or limits out there and demand respect ... as people can be very greedy for positive attention and less able to give it ... I am getting a little more phiolsophical about it now ... so that is an improvement rather than being as hurt ... but it is still difficult.

I have been struggling with limiting ututbe and sleep at times ... but also I did not have a computer for a while and now at least I can relate to my son's world a bit more ...... is that a justification for my bad behaviour ... oh oh .... anyway we try ...

cheers