Lived Experience Forum

[Pokemongirl]

Hi guys...

i come on here to see what I can find.... yeah, I can't help but wanting to help others....

But the fact is, I'm suicidal with very clear intend. I'm at a point where again and again, I found myself sick then lose jobs, or lose jobs then sick.... gain weight then lose, lose then gain weight from the involuntary injections....

im a burden to the medical system, I'm a burden to society.... I don't see myself as disable but society reminds me so..... not working since 1.5 years ago, have had numerous rejections from interviews....

Instead, why don't I just declare myself invalid, and get handout?? Better yet!!! Euthanise myself, it's more humane...

i don't want to do this anymore.....

[lola]

Lola here, one of the moderators

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling suicidal with a clear intent.

 Do you have someone you can speak to right now? (aside from this forum?)

If not, we know some really helpful services. Unfortunately we are not a crisis service, but some places you can call now for support are:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

If you are in immediate danger please call : 000

You have shown great courage in reaching out for help &  I hope you continue to do so. You are more than welcome to continue on the forums, but if you need help immediately, please call one of the numbers above or  000 in an emergency

 Please take care of yourself and let us know if you are safe,

[Former-Member]

Hi @Pokemongirl

you have been such a wonderful support to people on here, you have given people so much already, i hope that we are able to support you too right now.

I can relate somewhat to how you feel. sometimes i feel like i'm on a never ending merry go round of the same type of events/situations and it just sucks.

However... there are good times, good experiences in between and i know that people do need me. I've also seen the effects of suicide on families/friends/acquaintances this year. it's been very difficult. I would suggest that the same is true of you, even though in the space you are in right now, it may be hard to see/feel. I always try to remind myself that often its the depression talking and not how i'll necessarily feel tomorrow, the next few days etc.

if you are in danger right now please call for some help irl. do you have numbers for your local triage team or lifeline?

here listening,

lj

[NikNik]

Hi @Pokemongirl

I hope you're travelling better today and you had some rest last night.

You are so amazing at supporting others. I was just reading through your other posts and they are so wonderfully insightful and helpful. But now it seems like is a good time to take care of yourself and let others support you 🙂

Hopefully this community can support you the way you have supported us.

Nik

[Appleblossom]

@Pokemongirl You have caring qualities and a right to life with dignity.

Good on you for going for all those jobs. A lot of people who wouldnt. Do you have a job network or disability network? That can help you change the centrelink expectations?

I found it very difficult to say that I was disabled.  Still do, but if I do say it. I say it now with dignity, tho I struggle with my ups & downs.

[Former-Member]

hope that you're ok @Pokemongirl Have things gotten any better for you today? i really hope so, if not, and if so... here with you

lj

[utopia]

@Pokemongirl.
It's so hard when we have suicidal thoughts. But scary at the same time. I know when I've had suicidal thoughts - I haven't wanted to die. I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. When this happened I booked myself into hospital until my thoughts stabilised.
I don't believe for 1 minute that you are a waste of time medically or any other way. I think you have and are having a tough time. And it sounds like you need extra support at the moment.
Can you go to hospital and admit yourself? Do you have a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a mental health team that you can call up? If not - call your local hospital and ask to be put through to the mental health triage nurse. At least you will be able to speak to someone tonight.
If your SI gets stronger - please call someone and talk before making any decisions tonight.
I'm happy to chat with you tonight if you'd like.

[Former-Member]

@Pokemongirl, big hug 😞

[mrkotter]

Hi @Pokemongirl sorry to hear that you're feeling so low. It sucks. 

I want to give you some advice that my psychologist gave me earlier this year when I was feeling a bit like you are now. When she said it, I hated her for it at the time. It didn't make much sense but now it does. I think it was a good reminder in a way.

Is this where you want your journey to end? 

[Pokemongirl]

Thanks guys for all your kind words and support... you all have moved me and it has brought tears to my eyes.....

i have called triage team last week and they are monitoring..... as I'm scaring myself with my plan....

However, my depression hasn't gone away, it is better in the last couple of days.... but it doesn't mean my situation has change....the more it doesn't change the more I can't get myself out of this hole... catch 22.

i am very much taking one day by one day ....