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Something’s not right

Emily_
New Contributor

I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

Hi all,

I don't know if I have BPD, I don't have a clue, I've had every diagnosis under the sun and I'm running out of options so thought that maybe someone on here may have some sort of suggestion - I also apologise if I breach community rules, I haven't read them but as I have been on forums before I have a reasonable idea.

I am, actually was, a student nurse, 3rd year, meant to graduate the end of this year. I was successful, did a lot of volunteer work, was the only student in the state to be part of a specific program, good grades - everything was going well.

At the beginning of the year I went overseas to volunteer. It was my second time doing it and in 2016 I had an amazing time. This time was different and I ended up leaving the program on day 2. I went and stayed in a hotel for a few days, got a really awesome tattoo and flew home. Problem was, one day I got out of the lift on the wrong floor. A guy, no idea where from, cornered me and started to do a few things to me, I pushed him off, got back in the lift and never saw him again. As a child I was abused and this brought up so many memories. PTSD. And it has destroyed my entire year. Thing is, no one knows. No one. My Dad has said I have been different since I got back. I've told him he is crazy. This gives a backgrounf before I explain a bit more.

I went back to uni this year, was all well and good. But I decided to stop taking my medication. It fogs my brain and it wasn't stopping the thoughts I was getting from my trip. I didn't see the point in taking it. I told everyone I wanted to be able to think more clearly. So I stopped it, suddenly, after 7 years. And yes I am aware that you should not do that. I got a bit more impulsive with spending, but nothing serious. I referred myself to Community MH and the psychologist I saw there a few years ago, I told her I was concerned, I was doing a Child & Adolescent unit this semester and my sister had passed in a car accident when she was 4. I told her I thought I might find it triggering - which was true, but not the only reason I went to see her. We spoke, my parents weren't aware, I didn't want to concern them. I had appointments and it was all well and good. Then I went on prac. It was in an ED and a paediatric one at that. Events happened that triggered memories of my sister. Week 3, I left early and went and attempted suicide. I was unsuccessfuly - obviously as I am typing now. I was dischagred, my diagnosis in the system is BPD, they did not think an admission would help, and to be honest I didn't want to stay. I needed to contact people about things.

Things went downhill from there. I was back in hospital a week later, another attempt, which once again did not work. Except this time I was put under the MH Act and admitted. I lied to everyone there. I gave them no reason to keep me. A particular staff member told me to stop telling people I was suicidal, that it was bullshit and I would never do it anyway. I didn't want to be treated in a hospital with people who had that attitude, and I felt I had to prove them wrong. So another attempt later, sat in a medical ward for 2 weeks, was not allowed to go to the job interview of my dream job, all reasons to live were destroyed. I was admitted overnight. It was an awful hospital, I lied to get out. They lied to my parents to get me out, seems they didn't want me there so I didn't want to be treated there. I was also lied to, about many things, so I figured I didn't need to be honest back.

Now I sit in my bedroom at a loss of what to do. I am on no medication, have no follow-up. My parents are at a loss, my Dad was in tears after I was discharged because the Nurse Unit Manager had lied to them. I've put in a complaint. I simply do not know what to do. Tomorrow is Monday, a new week. I need some help and support but I don't know where to start. I can't go anywhere because my Dad has locked my keys in the safe because he is worried I will run away - drive away really. I don't want my parents knowing what happened when I went overseas, but I can't go anywhere by myself anyway because I can't use my car. All I want is some support. Someone who will help out. 

I have private health insurance and my Dad is considering sending me to Sydney - I live in Perth - my Nan and Pop live in Sydney, because Perth has no treatment options. Perth's public and private system have massive waitlists.

Anyone have any suggestions?

7 REPLIES 7

Re: I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

Hello @Emily_ sounds very frustrating i can empathise though the mental health system is terrible in my experience. if you have provate health insurance then i would suggest going to your gp getting a referal to a private psychiatrist and going from there. try to be open with them. 

Re: I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

@Eden1919 I have tried, I am just going to have to keep trying. They don't want to take me on because I am a complex case and high risk. Mention 2 ICU visits in 3 weeks to a private psychiatrist and you have no hope. Am honestly so fed up with the system in Australia.

Re: I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

@Emily_ i am sorry that makes things hard. i wish i could be of more help but you have a right to be fed up with the system it lets so many people down and it really needs an overhaul. perhaps looking interstate might be an option. 

Re: I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

Hi @Emily_ I am also new and do not wish to speak out of turn but I have decided to add my thoughts. I agree with @Eden1919, it would be a good idea to see a GP, preferably one you have faith in (easy to say, but there are some good ones) ask for a long appointment and get a referral to a private psychiatrist. This is not a quick fix but worth starting the process. In the mean time it would be good to have someone close to you that you can tell more of what happened. With PTSD I find trying to hold it all in just makes me fly apart. Please stay safe, I know the MH system can suck I have met good people in the system though, staff and patients

Re: I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

hi there @Emily_ and welcome 

 

I would also suggest speaking to your gp. you dont have to tell your parents what happened overseas and also because your over 18 (im assuming) the psychologist has no reason to speak to them either. i also have BPD amongst other things and it can be so hard to deal with but with the right help its possible. if defferring uni and going to sydney seems like a good and viable option it might even be worth trying that out. DBT is reccomended for people with BPD and would be worth looking into if your up for it. theres heaps of info online. 

What happened to you overseas needs processing and usually the best way to do that is by speaking to someone to help you work through all your emotions etc. i was also sexually abused as a child with emotional abuse continuing on in my adult years. 

you said your dad has noticed theres something wrong, perhaps if you were comfortable enough you could say you were assulted while you were overseas. it seems he is trying to help but doesnt know how and doesnt want to pester you either. 

 

here for you too and happy to continue talking about whatever you need/want to help you get through this

 

 

Re: I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

I can totally empathize with having a totally awful time in the hospital with dishonest staff who treat you less than human.  I think it might be a good idea to go to a private hospital in Sydney or Canberra and get quality treatment and staff that treat you with respect. You said you have private insurance so it should be a possibility.  That is the best advice I can give you.

Re: I don't know what to do - Sorry this is so long.

@Emily_ so sorry for what has happened to you during your trip and when you were younger.
PTSD can be so crippling. Sometimes we are aware of what triggers an attack, sometimes we just don't know. From my own personal experience I can say that there is definitely definitely treatment available that will make a world of difference.
Definitely see your gp and get a referral to a psychiatrist. You will need to do your own research to find a psychiatrist that has experience with BPD and SA. That way you will get the best of help.
I'm in Victoria and I travel to Melbourne to a private Psych hospital whenever I become suicidal. Having worked in the public system, if you can afford private, definitely use private.
You may also like to talk to people like CASA (centre against sexual assault). I believe they are Australia wide. If you can't find a CASA in Perth, contact the Sane office and they should be able to point you in the right direction.
I wish you all the best. Don't give up trying to find the best specialists for you. They can help.
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