Lived Experience Forum

[karo2016]

Hello. I'm a female college student in my early twenties. I've been diagnosed with OCD but I've always had this particular issue of obsessing over people I'm romantically interested in and I'm not sure if that relates to my OCD or not.

I've been obsessing over a semi-famous person for the past five years. I've harrassed, stalked, and attempted to hurt the people around him.

I imagine he's with me all the time.

I stare at photos of him constantly, every time I'm alone, to the point where his face starts appearing distorted. This has taken up hours of my day, each and every day, for five years.

My ultimate goal is to be with him, but he doesn't know me yet.

He's not the first person I've done this with. At age 13 I attempted suicide over a classmate I had a crush on and in the ten years since then, I've obsessed over many people and done similar things to harm myself and others. This time it's really concerning me because I usually get bored after awhile, but with this current man it's been five years and I'd say if anything my obsession is getting worse.

I understand these things are harmful. As of posting this, I am NOT an immediate threat to myself or anyone else.

I just don't know what to do. Is this a thing others deal with? Is it related to OCD? Any "romantic obsession" related illnesses I've read about don't seem to apply to me because my situation and the things I've done always seem worse than what articles describe.

[utopia]

Hi @karo2016. It's good to see you post.
I personally don't have any experience with OCD - so I'll refrain from commenting from that point of view. Hopefully other members who live with OCD will reply and be able to offer their experiences and advice.
From my experience with Mental Illness (MI), anything that causes disruption to your life, needs to be looked at. My depression and anxiety really disrupted my life. And it sounds like this obsession has certainly disruptured yours. This is where therapy can help us to refocus on what is real & what is not worth wasting our energy on. I see that with my anxiety and worries all the time.
I'm assuming you don't have a therapist at the moment.
This would be my first suggestion. Talk to your gp and ask for a mental health plan to be drawn up. Your gp can then refer you to a psychologist under the Medicare Scheme. Or you can find a psychologist or psycgiatrist privately.
Being able to talk through our thoughts with someone is so important. It can help us see what we might not see. It can help us move towards a healthier way of living.
Have you previously sought help for your OCD? It may be time to seek help again.
You wrote here that you have attempted to hurt those around him. Previously you have attempted to hurt yourself.
You have reached out to us. Now is the time to reach out to the professionals.
Seek some help to overcome your obsession with this person. Then you can start living life again.

[Former-Member]

Hello @karo2016

Welcome to the forums! I hope you find this a supportive and safe place to share your experiences.

@utopiais very right to say that if your mental health is preventing you from doing things in your life - whether that be big or small, it's definitely worth chatting to someone about it. It sounds like this has been going on for a big portion of you life - it is good you are seeking help/advise for it now. I am glad you and the people around you are safe, it is important to take care of yourself. 

Much like what was said previously, you can:

1. See a GP and ask for a mental health plan.This will get the processes going to get a referral so you can access your bulk billed psychologist sessions.

2. Skip seeing the GP, and go straight to a psychologist privately. This is out of pocket.

Do you have anyone in your life that you would feel comfortable talking to about this? Have you tried anything in the past to manage these feelings?

I wonder if other members have any suggestions or advice? 

[karo2016]

@Former-Member

No one in my life understands the full magnitude of what's going on. There are loved ones who know I've obsessed over one person or another (as in some cases my episodes have made it impossible to hide) but there is no individual who knows about everything collectively.

I keep these things hidden on purpose, because I'm ashamed.

I've been treated for depression/anxiety, but never for the OCD diagnosis. I've never even spoken to a doctor about OCD. They were only able to diagnose me because I was clearly in the hospital for episodes relating to it.

I'm afraid to go to treatment for my obsession over this person. I want to get better, but I don't want to let go. My "rituals" involving him are destructive but they comfort me.

I'm afraid that if I weren't obsessing for hours and hours, I would have too much time to think. And if I think too hard, I might hurt myself again.

(And before someone tells me to find hobbies, I already have a huge schedule filled with all sorts of work/hobbies/etc. Needing stuff to do is not the issue.)

I just want him to love me. Nothing else will make me truly happy.

[Former-Member]

@karo2016

This is a big part of your life, but at the same time it is negatively affecting it. Seeking help does not mean you have to "let go" of your obsession with this person - as it seems to be a strategy to protect yourself. The main goal is to enhance your daily functioning and minimizing harm to yourself and/or others. 

I hope you find the best solution for you. 

[utopia]

@karo2016. Your rituals offer you very temporary comfort. A bit like alcohol trying to numb ddepression. It just makes things worse in the long run.
You say you just want him to love you. But who exactly will he fall in love with? You don't want him falling in love with the OCD or obsession. You want him to fall in love with the REAL you.
That's why you need to see someone who specialises in OCD.
You may well be attracted to him after your obsessive thoughts are gone. But I can't see him getting to know you, the real you, when he is confronted by the obsession and not YOU.
Try and see a therapist for your OCD. It is interrupting your life.