Lived Experience Forum

[BurnedBridges]

Hi all,

I'm new. I'm 28 years old, I work full time and care for my son who has special needs and my 16yo brother.

I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and major depression for quite some time now, and some of the time I feel like I know what I'm doing, like I can cope. I mean, I don't really know who I am, or what I want, or how to relate to people on more than a superficial level, but I function. I go to work, pay the bills, feed the kids...

And then there are days like today. I'm still functional to a degree but today I can't completely shut the emotions out. I am horribly, horribly lonely... but I shut everyone out because of my inability to trust anyone. If I tell them how I am, perhaps they'll feel I'm too much effort and abandon me (for context here let me add that I have no relationship with either parent, and have been a single mother since 17). I am so, very, very unhappy that it manifests as physical pain that starts somewhere near my throat and extends down into my stomach. It honestly feels as if my heart may break. The fact that I can't bring myself to reach out to the few friends I have makes me even sadder.

I've realised that I need help, and have recently started receiving regular therapy. I long for the day when I can move through the world and actually interact with people, instead of feeling like an outsider looking in. I just need to keep on keeping on I guess, keep working hard and I might get there some day.

Anyway, thaks for listening. I realise there wasn't much of a point to this post, but I just needed to say something to someone!

BB

[BatGuano]

Hi BB,

Thanks for posting, it must have taken courage to write.  I'm so glad that you've started therapy.  I'm a person with depression, like you.  Everyone is different, and that includes how they handle depression.

There's information about mental illness in the blue bar on the title page.  Relating to people is difficult for me when I'm feeling down, so please just give yourself time and space.  There are posts from people in the same place as you and I here in the forum.

So welcome, feel free to post again, and well ...  

[JT]

Hi BB.  Congrats on starting the therapy - massive step in the right direction 🙂 

[Phoenix]

Hi BB,

I also am a new user. I share your problems with talking to people, especially those close to me. I am on Faceboook and get updates from RUOKday, and recently used that link to vent online. I had so many repsonses from my Facebook friends, many of whom are also REAL friends and relatives that i had simply been unable to talk to in person!  My husband is not a facebook user, and has no idea of my thoughts, and of the support i have received this way. It is hard to talk with him about all my feelings as he takes it on board himself rather than helping me. Yet he is the main reason why I make myslef keep going, there is no way he could deal with my depression getting the better of me. I could not handle the guilt i would feel for his pain, if I followed through on some of my dark thoughts.

I also have trouble talking to people because of lack of trust, and because when I am down, my line of thinking is"  they wouldnt be interested or care anyway; or I dont want people to feel sorry for me. I dont want sympathy or being told that I am a good person bla bla bla when i KNOW that i dont deserve good things. The situation I am in is my fault, I have done bad things and deserve only to have bad things happen. i just have to suffer, and get through on my own. "

But i do get better, and i do start to see things more positivley. Its hard and lonely, i often want to retreat under my rock and stay there. Everything is too hard, too complicated, too expensive. but somehow i keep going.

just keep going and try to trust people more

Phoenix. ( i decided on this name bacause the Phoenix always rises froim the ashes! )

[BurnedBridges]

Thanks people, for being supportive.

I did my usual stupid thing and got black out drunk last night, said and did questionable things, now feel horribly ashamed, want to drink again... Hooray for the shame spiral! I think the BPD is harder for me to manage than the depression... the emotions are weird. I question every little thing I think or feel because I'm not sure if it's a 'rationale' feeling or not. Dissociative episodes are bloody scary too.

I probably am an alcoholic, albeit a functional one. However to convince myself I'm not the rule is if I get black out drunk one night the next night must be alcohol free.

In any case, happy Friday to all. I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend 🙂

[Phoenix]

[chemonro]

Hi BB and welcome to the forum. It sounds to me like you're making progress in learning about and observing yourself.. You know that mindfulness is really important to us so we can learn to hold on to what's we really value?