Lived Experience Forum

[chookmojo]

I just needed a place to 'talk' about this. Help me work it thorugh a bit maybe. Forgive the wall of words.

I have had anxiety ranging from so severe that it kept me  house bound, to a sort of  ever present but manageable level for many years. Really started in childhood but was just chalked up to being 'shy', and then 'needy' and then 'difficult' and then 'bad work ethic' and so on.

For the last 10 years or so I am have been mostly able to cope, hold down jobs (albeit with a lot of 'sickies'), maintain a couple of freindships, and manage most elements of daily life most of the time. I am now at a point where I work for a great organisation in the mental health sector, so I can be upfront about WHY I need to have time off sometimes, and a job that has recently blossomed into a career path.

Woke up ths morning with terrible anxiety - mostly triggered by a couple of shitty things coinciding that are going to require me to do a lot more of the stuff that makes me super anxious than usual, as well as being upsetting in and of themselves.

Usually the day after a long weekend I get a bit of anxiety (m y routine is disrupted and the increased time away form work makes it very hard to go back sometimes), but it is at a level I can push through. Today is BAD and I am not gonna make it to work. I have let my boss know and it is ok. But I still feel like shit taking a day off immediately after a long weekend. Like I am taking the piss. And I have to get on top of it, because it can easily blow out of control, the more days of work I miss the less likely I am to be able to get back.

I feel really frustrated because my life is SO pared down. I hardly ever go out, I keep stimulus to a minimum, I take a battery of supplements, I have healthy practices in place, I have safety nets built in all over the place to ward off bad spells like this and they STILL bloody happen.

I want to be able to have a little bit more from life, not much, just a smidge, but I am already living right up to the line that I can manage, and over it sometimes. Over the weekend I was thinking wistfully of trying to start jogging again, something I love but which I have not had the spare emotional energy for quite a while. I was thinking about trying to find a psychologist to get some help for the billionth time, and about seeing a physio for my shoulder which needs rehab. I can't DO any of it. Can't actually face any of it right now. And this is the optional stuff. Right now I can't face the stuff that I do, absolutely need to do - which is also the main stuff upsetting me.

I get a spell like this and something has to give, something that matters to me, like work, or going to the gym or seeing a friend (something I only get to do once every couple of months anyhow) because I just don't have enough resources to handle it. And I don't have much left that I can cut down on.

I have already had to cut down my sessions with my trainer form 3 times a week to 2 times a week because I was not coping with having to leave the house on Saturdays - it was killing my weekend productivity (which then causes me major anxiety). I don't have anything except the gym left that I can cut out really and I really don't want to do that - I don't think I have anough oomph left in me to keep at it on my own. I am working on setting up a home gym (this involves a fairly major overhaul of the garage) so I can at least have a trainer come to me instead of having to go out, but because I have been so drained on weekends this is taking months and months. If I quit training now there is no telling how long it will take to get up again.

I get so frustrated feeling like 'nobody' gets it. 'Nobody' understands that I am pushing myself to the limit every single day that I make it out of the house, and even on the days that I don't make it. It is so god damned HARD sometimes, and I have so little to show for it. People don't realise what the little I have costs me to keep, the sheer number of things I have to give up just in order to be able to do what I can do and they are ALWAYS pushing me to do more in a million little ways that they don't even see as being significant because for them it is easy, so easy that it is invisible.

So I just wanted to post a bit of a whinge on here, where I know there are people who do 'get it', and maybe try to convince myself that I am not tanking my job and my life in one day over nothing.

[Shimmer]

Hi @chookmojo

It sounds like you are having a really tough time with your anxiety today. I'm really glad you posted to share with us what's going on and get some support from people who do understand 🙂

I can hear your frustration that days like this still happen even though you put so much effort into looking after yourself!

From what you have described, it sounds like you are usually able to cope really well and manage most elements of your daily life. It is so great to hear that your new career in the mental health sector is blossoming, you are keeping up with some friends and you seem to really enjoy exercise too.

It sounds like you are facing a challenging time right at the moment, given that your routine has been disrupted by the long weekend, and a few anxiety-provoking things have coincided. No wonder your anxiety has flared up! It would be hard for anyone to cope given how much you've got going on! I hope you are able to be kind to yourself while you're getting back on top of things.

Although you are having a bad day today it doesn't sound like you are "tanking" your job or your life at all (also, it's great that you have a good relationship with an understanding boss!), however I can understand that it is important to you to get back to work as soon as you can and not let this flare up blow out of control.

I'm impressed with how you have managed to cope with your anxiety ever since childhood, you seem to have a lot of insight into what goes on for you and how to manage your symptoms. I'm wondering what has been helpful getting through periods like this in the past?

Also, your ideas for getting more out of life sound wonderful - keeping up sessions with your trainer and jogging in particular sound like activities you really enjoy! Do you find these things energising when you are able to do them?

Getting back in touch with a psychologist and seeing a physio about your shouler also seem like great ideas, though I understand that you feel like you can't face these tasks at the moment. I'm wondering if there is any small step you feel you could take towards one of these goals that wouldn't seem too overwhelming? (Maybe not today, but perhaps something to start thinking about?)

@chookmojo, you sound like a really strong person to have managed your anxiety so well throughout your life, I hope you are able to be compassionate towards yourself on this difficult day!

Take care of yourself,

Shimmer 🙂

[chookmojo]

Thanks so much for the response Shimmer. I can't say how much I appreciated it.

These bad spells normally pass in a day or two and I just do a lot of talking myself down, trying to stay realistic instead of catarophising,  and focusing on breathing  when it is acute like this. Once it settles I do NLP, CBT type stuff - write things out and try to get a reframe on the particular straw that's crippling my camel. Not there yet today.

I definitely do find training and jogging (exercise in general really) energising ONCE they're happening. Getting out the door is always the hard part for everything, no matter how much I enjoy it once I am doing it. Getting it into my routine helps, I don't have to work so hard once it is a habit - but getting it to that point can be gruelling. I am getting closer to just doing it at home, but that too takes a chunk of energy to break the inertia.

I have been running on empty for a couple of weeks (only noticed in retrospect, even after all these years it can sneak up) and I think I just ran out of my reserves today.

Seeing a psychologist/physio - right now the hold up is mostly that I can't handle the thought of more time out of the house/up close with someone new. I have some recomended people to try and they are fairly local, I have their number, but I can't see space in the next couple of weeks at least where I can handle another appointment/outing.

The shitty convergence of things is requiring a higher number of more than usually stressful outings/people stuff. This is can't avoid level stuff. No postponement option. And likely to be ongoing for a little while at least. So anything else that can give is what has to give.

[Shimmer]

Oh wow @chookmojo, you seem to have a whole heap of strategies up your sleeve! And a great understanding of when they are useful: focusing on breathing, self-talk and being realistic rather than catastrophising when your anxiety is acute; NLP and CBT, writing and reframing thoughts once it starts to settle; and gradually building up your routine to include energising things like exercise.

I'm glad you understand that it's okay that you can't do it all right now, as you know the path to getting back to being able to do more of the things you want to 🙂

I imagine your insight into the patterns of your anxiety would be really helpful too, so you can expect this spell to subside in the next day or so.

Ahh yes, it can still sneak up sometimes, especially when you're go go go... sometimes it's when you do have a bit of extra time off that it does catch up with you! Perhaps this is a sign that you need a bit more space to look after yourself at the moment.

You're so right about how getting started is always the hardest step! Once that's done, those little wins can build your momentum until the things you want to be doing are a natural part of your routine again. I wonder if there's anything you've done in the past that has helped you to get started?

That's great that you've already got the numbers for local psychologists/physios. First step taken! Perhaps you'll find more energy to take the next small step as this spell subsides 🙂

It sounds like you have a great plan in front of you to be able to cope with these unavoidable stressors in the next little while... Are there any other strategies or supports in this time you think would be helpful?

[WombatBoots]

@chookmojo

Chook, I'd just like to let you know I'm hearing you mate, so much of what you have said I relate to. 

especially,

"I have been running on empty for a couple of weeks (only noticed in retrospect, even after all these years it can sneak up) and I think I just ran out of my reserves today."

Especially "even after all these years" <---- I get it chook, just when you think you can "relax" because you are on top of it all ie: meds, work, feeling well, doing my bit .... BANG ... it bites you, and even when you know why it's biting you can't stop it.

So many times I've thought to myself "F*** matt, look at the crap you have been through in the past, this is nothing!.....why are you feeling like this? ... c'mon mate, you're alright ......."

I can't offer you anymore than my thoughts are with you, because you have already mentioned all the tricks in my toolbag.

The only question I do have is: the bad shoulder, is it from cricket? opening bowler maybe?

Mate, just know I'm here.

[Former-Member]

Hi @chookmojo

I'm hearing you about wanting just a bit more, and also feeling like people dont get just how hard it is. I've been working so hard just to keep going every day and its exhausting and these insiginificant things like, getting up, showering, cleaning etc just seem impossible and way too much. I dont have any friends or family near by who visit at all so i can hide it, and i cant work anymore so no more pressures there, but its a lonely life. I think you're amazing to be working and pushing through, you've said that you have been able to push through before so you know that its possible. Keep using the strategies that work for you, even if they dont feel like it straight away and keep hope. Glad you've come here,

Try to be nice to yourself (you really do know just how hard you're working so give yourself credit!)

LJ

[chookmojo]

Ah Wombat, that is exactly it.

I appreciate your post, letting me know that however isolated it can feel, I am not alone, and there are plenty of others fighting the same good fight who do understand. It's all too easy to forget that you can be doing EVERYTHING right and still get blindsided by something extra or unexpected, or even perfectly normal that is just too much at that precise moment.

Anyhow I am doing much better today and should make it to work.

Not a bowler; my shoulder is buggered from a motorbike accident I had about 15 years ago, and being young and spry at the time I thought I didn't need rehab. I was so very wrong!

[chookmojo]

Thanks lisajane,

It is good to be reminded that I am not the only one struggling with simple things, or feeling lonely and wishing for the capacity for a little bit more.

I have to say having this forum and the supportive replies were a BIG help yesterday - especially reminding me to be kind to myself, and to acknowledge the effort I put in to keep myself going most of the time.

[chookmojo]

Well I made it into work today - was getting a bit worked up while waiting for it to be time to leave home, so I left early and walked to work, and that was good.

I have had a productive morning so far, but I am deteriorating a bit and not sure how much longer I will stay. Have a couple of important meetings so I will try but I have a splitting headache and finding it pretty hard to concentrate now.

Looked into access the EAP through work, but ended up feeling too discouraged by the inconvenient location and times and the fact that it is only 2 sessions. I don't see that it would be worth the hassle to get there for only two sessions. My history usually takes longer than that, and that is when I bring in a print out of the timeline and all.

[Former-Member]

well done on getting to work, glad to hear that you've had a productive morning. Exercise is good for settling things (or so my psych keeps telling me lol..) What is EAP? i might have missed something in earlier posts, will have a look. I have a dr appointment soon.. and i am even going to go. fingers crossed it goes ok, new GP as i really couldnt connect with my last one.

Hope your headache eases up and you get through your meetings, good luck,

LJ