Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Baboo]

Tattsinda, I think it may be time ( if I may kindly suggest) for you to get your self out and about into a happy healthy lifestyle, invite your partner out every time of course. but don't sit on that couch! show him what a wonderful time he could be having with you-swimming at an indoor pool on rainy days, slow bird watching walks on the nice ones- windy kite flying fun days. Then when you come home you can tell your partner " oh i wish you were there! i had a beautiful day" 😉

[zipper]

It is easy to say 'go out and do it' but sometimes it just isnt that easy

Will they be safe at home by themselves while you are out or are they likely to do something that will only make things worse.  My husband would say ok go out, I'll be ok, then take sleeping tablets and send himself to bed all day.  I would come home and find the house locked up (or worse wide open) with him in bed

He then wouldnt care about my lovely time and what he missed out on - just wouldnt care.  I have gone to family Christmas dinner alone - thats how bad it became

I then had to take any meds out in my bag so he wouldnt take them

Re-building a relationship and / or watching it slide is as hard to manage as the illness itself

ZZ

[Baboo]

It would be a difficult decision i would think to decide to stay at home and be the carer for some one you love. Or to go out and life a life for just your self and kids. What other stratigies do you have for getting a break? Do you have family that help you support you partner- do you get any weekends away?

[CherryBomb]

Hi @zipper,

It sounds so harsh watching the impact that mental illness is having on both you and your partner. It can be pretty heart wrenching observing our loved ones turn into a shell of their former selves. There can be a lot of grief for many carers - grieving for what one had and grieving for what could have been.

To answer your question in an earlier post:

I dont blame him but I do hold him responsible -if there is a difference?  

This is indeed a fine line. On one hand, it's pretty unhelpful blaming someone for being unwell, yet on the other hand, it can also be unhelpful supporting unhealthy and unhelpful behaviours. So where do you draw the line?

If we compared this to a physical illness, say a cold, and our loved one was not taking medication to get better, what would you do? We can't force them to take their meds, so would you continue to buy the medication for them? Or would you take the medication for them? I don't mean to simplify your experience with a mere cold - mental illness is so complex. But I think getting back to basics can help give perspective. In terms of mental health, there is only so much you can do for others before they can look after themselves to get better. For people to get well, social support is important but they also need to care for themselves, there comes a point where others can't do it for them too.

If hubby isn't making changes, it can be helpful to look at the things you can change. If he's not going to make changes, the change needs to start somewhere else for the situation and the impact to shift. There's a few service that can provide assistance or have resoruces that might be able to help with this. ARAFMI specifically provides support carers.

To @Baboo's  point, looking after yourself is so important. It seems you're feeling so worn out and exhausted. Starting with some self-care, even if it is small such as taking five minutes to go for a walk can be helpful. I also think it's great that you've come on here and you're sharing your experiences. It's such a big load to carry on your own. Talking to others can give some perspective.

[mountain]

I only joined this forum the other day as my counsellor suggested I find/ join a carers group for people who live with a person with bipolar or mental illness. I was delighted to find this discussion, it was just what I needed.

At this current time the relationship I am in is at crisis point due to my bipolar partner going back to smoking pot on top of his meds.  Which unfortunately is making his not so pleasant personality aspects far more prominent and even his goods ones have become extreme to the point of childishness.  This childishness in it's own way is highly irratating and can be problematic due to acting just like a child.

I printed the list off and out of the 10 I could tick 7 of them.  Aaaaah, but out of that 7, I am guilty of 2 of them and the other 5 is what I feel.

Right now my emotions and brain are saying "Yes, this is true you force an answer and control money, you give ultimatums and threats, but it is only because of this and this and this situation.   Yes, you have justified reasons for doing all you have and for what you are feeling".    

After meditating on the 2 I am guilty of, it will be back to the counsellor to talk about them, to do something about them as I have to accept responsibility for my part in this situation.  Part of me so wants to resist this, make it all his fault, I know it is not but I would love it to be so then I would not have to look at the part I have played in this.

As I re-read what I have typed I realised in one place I totally laid the blame on my partner and that was by saying "at crisis point due to my bipolar partner going back to" .  I was going to change it before posting and then throught "no I won't" as this may help someone else see where even in the simplest of ways and words we use we can totally blame the other without looking at our part in the whole. One of the questions I need to ask myself is "why" after 4 yrs did he need to go back to pot.   I have asked him and his answer is because it is fun and he enjoys it.  What we haven't got down to with the counsellor is why now,  why did he need to do this for fun and enjoyment now, when he didn't need it a year ago.

Then there was another word I was going to change which was the word "guilty".  I used this twice.  Why was I going to change it? Not because I am ashamed but because in using that word I am beating myself up.  This word has so many negatitive connections and connotations too it.  From a place of guilt I can only work from a negative basis and it also makes what I feel wrong.  What I was going to change it to after much thinking is "I have been and done" because that is more the truth of it.  From this place I can work towards being and doing things differently in a more positive manner. 

Thank you Cherrybomb for the link to the Happy Couples info it is a great help and something positive to work with.

Cheers

[CherryBomb]

You're most @mountain 

Wow, when I read your post I couldn't help but think what a reflective process that must have been for you writing it. Seems like it sparked a few new insights. And not only stuff that helped you, but I presume has helped others who are reading it.

I find what you've written about the language that we use to describe situations really fascinating. Language can be a powerful tool that can to both heal us and hurt us - who ever said 'sticks and stones may break my bones..." Words are powerful aren't they? When we look at the more closely, as you have pointed it, we can the deeper meanings beyond the words.

I think an area that I could work on in terms of language are, 'should have' 'could have' and 'what if'. It implies focusing on the past, something that cannot be changed as opposed to now, something that I do have influence over.

There's another member @Dexica who has posted about some challenges in her relationship here. I wonder if you or anyone else on this thread might like to provide some suggestions?

Thank YOU, @mountain  for sharing your thoughts. I look forward to seeing more of you on the Forums.

[cheersquad]

Love this article think it's so true. Especially the be gentle!!

[cheersquad]

@mountain your post is really amazing. It's a huge thing to admit that we both have a role to play in our relationships. A month has gone since your post so hope things are progressing well. Something I have improved on in the last 18mths is focusing on having fun together(loved the happy couples link) and my reactions. Still a long long way to go but I am better at acknowledging what I do wrong which was also impacting.

[Former-Member]

Hi @zipper,

I have to say it sounds like you have definitely walked a day in my shoes.

My ongoing question though is how much of it is the depression, how much is being a bloke and as a therapist recently suggested to me how much of it is just laziness.

It is a daily battle but you just cant give in.

Cheers.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member, @cheersquad, @CherryBomb, @mountain, @Baboo

how is everyone ? '

very interesting tread xx