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Something’s not right

FindingStrength
Senior Contributor

Feeling bad

Hi. Firstly, I just want to say sorry for a total non-participation by me in a long long while. Mostly because the intensity of this roller coaster has had me pushed to the limits in so many ways & I've just found it too hard to even try to say anything worthwhile. Maybe thats selfish...

I won't go into the details, except to say that I love my daughter so much & this has been the most confusing, painful & frustrating period yet. She's so depleted, dejected & heart-broken, the "health" seystem has gigantic gaps that she falls through & she's facing homelessness now too. I'm currently staying with her because I just don't know what else to do. 

Something happened today that left me feeling betrayed & I got angry. Part of me knew that it was pretty pointless trying to call her out on it, but I did anyway & it went really horribly for both of us. She's so desperate that she went against an agreement we had that directly relates to a personal boundary of mine. I used to have lots of anger (trauma) when she was little, so its a big trigger for her & we were both triggered today - But I'm the adult right. 

So, I feel I try so hard & still get it wrong. We did apologise to each other, after I finally managed to get her out from under the blankets. Now she's asleep on the couch & I'm sitting here trying to be kind to myself & not fall into that old trap of self loathing. I guess I'm writing because I'm struggling with that. And I feel like deleting all of this right now & once again not engaging on this forum. Self judgement too. Wondering if anyone can offer a light in the darkness?

2 REPLIES 2

Re: Feeling bad

@FindingStrength  Oh FindingStrength I cant sweetheart ..... i can listen to you though. peaxxx

Re: Feeling bad

I know how you are feeling @FindingStrength 

 

I am at a cross road too just like you where I loathe myself when I get angry at my father when he is just not able to recognised issues.  My father has no empathy anymore and cannot reason with him.  It is so hard to just tell him things that benefits him and he always thinks he is right even though he isnt.

 

Im constantly silent when we have an disagreement and so frustrated that he just doesnt understand.  Then I see him sitting alone I feel so sad that it comes to this and then I try to be nice about things and then it starts again.  

 

It is so hard to stop telling yourself its not your fault and self destruction in other things.  But from my counselling they say that I need to just realise it is what it is and I cant change things.  All I can do is find different ways to talk to my dad.  Thats my new challange. 

 

I think it is looking at things differently will help having better communication.

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