Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

To me the word fear is a huge huge anxiety word.  I feel so overwhelmed with that word.  

I had a session with my long time therapist (5 yrs) this morning.  We talked about fear and the fear of me moving forward to getting better or feeling better.

He asked what is stopping me; what fears do i have?

I was stuck; I was on hold in my mind.  I was scared.  I told him that i fear of getting better because i will lose my support people.  They won't want me anymore and to me that is rejectdion, abandonment (lkike my parents did) and i can't go through that again.

He said to me that at the moment i am scared of the future but also scared of the now.  He said i feel abandoned, rejected, unloved, unwanted but if i did move forward then i would feel loved, wanted.  I asked him how does he know and he replied i need to trust him.  I said well i have for the last 5 yrs so i guess i will.

Where is this fear coming from?  I don't know.  I know that if i did get better then the attention or support from others won't be there anymore.  Maybe it's my inner child craving for some attention and this is my way of getting it.  I don't know.

There is so much soul searching, deep inner thoughts tht i need to work out.  But i can't.  i am so scared.  i feel like i am frozen and very emotional.

i don't know what to do.

[Chris]

I hear you!

I am afraid of so much, like you moving forward, staying where i am. Terrified of people, of getting close and being hurt, of being rejected, of being abandoned.  Terrified of letting people in and see who i really am. I dispise myself,im nothing but filth,afraid of tainting the other person.

Afraid of moving forward. Does that mean i will have to stand alone when i now feel so needy. Afraid of becoming dependant on professionals . So afraid of moving forward in therapy because i know i will have to feel pain and other emotions. Afraid that i have to admit my part in the breakdown in relations. So  very afraid of moving forward, oh i already said that.

I dont have any answers. Ive been involved in various group therapys. Comming to terms to just stay in the room with a group of people. And every so often i throw a wobbly,  and say i just cant do this any more. I end up going back with the help of the psychologist. But i even question that. Am i attention seeking?

I hope that helps in some way for you not to feel so alone.

[Chris]

I hear you!

I am afraid of so much, like you moving forward, staying where i am. Terrified of people, of getting close and being hurt, of being rejected, of being abandoned.  Terrified of letting people in and see who i really am. I dispise myself,im nothing but filth,afraid of tainting the other person.

Afraid of moving forward. Does that mean i will have to stand alone when i now feel so needy. Afraid of becoming dependant on professionals . So afraid of moving forward in therapy because i know i will have to feel pain and other emotions. Afraid that i have to admit my part in the breakdown in relations. So  very afraid of moving forward, oh i already said that.

I dont have any answers. Ive been involved in various group therapys. Comming to terms to just stay in the room with a group of people. And every so often i throw a wobbly,  and say i just cant do this any more. I end up going back with the help of the psychologist. But i even question that. Am i attention seeking?

I hope that helps in some way for you not to feel so alone.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @BlueBay and @Chris

I have a lot of fear.  One woman told me I smelled of fear, when I was doing primal therapy.  She was a secretary in the primal group I attended in the 80s.  It was odd, because I did not have words for many feelings at that time, and in primal we were encouraged to depth our feelings but it was very deep and pre-verbal.  Then I got a list of feeling words and studied it like a good student... lol ..It was not a nasty comment and in a way it was helpful because then I got a sense of how others experienced me.  I was 24 at the time and believed in living fearlessly.  I tried to live with courage but apparently the fear was huge and fairly unconscious in me at that time. I had travelled the world, gone to Pakistan, just tried to face each day square on.  I became more aware of it as time went on, it just hang around, but over time we do deal with our issues.

The other side of fear is courage. Sometimes just getting up is courage.

Your psych sounds like he does care about you @BlueBay.  You have achieved a lot in life and it would be good to be able to enjoy some of it.  Enjoy your beautiful family of creation and let go of people who are unable (for whatever reason) to see the good in you.

That was another thing I learned back in primal, that some people are afraid of feeling pleasure, because it may unusual and new or they feel they have to whip themselves rather than enjoy life.  When good things happen, bask in it.

@Chris The being in a room full of people scared me a lot.  I got over it one Sunday when I spent a day in our pastoral centre. It is a busy city church with about 6 masses and they came and went and the hubbub they made came and went. Then it was empty again.  Sometimes I interacted but mostly I read my book and sipped my tea. I came to feel comfortable with the chatter of others enjoying themselves say his and getting together and then leaving.  Sometimes I would be recognised as a singer and have a chat.

I used to have crippling terror of socialising.  I was alright if the room was full and it was due to study or work. The fear of rejection and the experience of rejection and abandonment has permeated my emotional being, but I try not to let it rule my existence.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Chris

I understand what you are saying.  I feel the same way at times.  I think to myself 'is it all worth it' the therapy, the talking, the treatments??  And when I think I have given up I throw a tantrum and get right into my regular therapist.  I have seen him for 5 yrs and he knows me quite well.  He has boundaries on me and I always break the boundaries.  He then gets frustrated with me and in my head i think he is telling me off.  Do I like to be told off all the time???  I don't know.

I fear so much of moving forward but i also fear so much right now.  It's a feeling of being still, frozen, not able to move (hard to describe).

@Appleblossom

I also have a lot of fear of being wrong; getting things wrong all the time.  I have to be right and if it's wrong - well that to me means 'failure' big time.

I think it has to do a lot with my upbringing and my controlling and manipulative mother.  I was too scared to get things wrong for fear of being yelled at; i even remember my dad yelling at me for getting something so minor wrong.  

How do I move?  how do i move forward??  I guess I have to believe in my therapist, trust him and hope that I can somehow push through this fear I have.  I know it's going to be hard work; because of my emotions and struggle to move forward to a better and healthier life.  And then I think - isn't that what any person would want - a better life.  Well then why can't I just do that?  I cry so much because I know that my BPD behaviour doesn't help, my thinking process doesn't help.  

Yeah rejection and abandonment are HUGE for me too.  And I don't know how to get through that either.  I think a lot of it has to do again with my parents abandoning me 6 yrs ago when i told them i was abused as a child.  They didn't help me when i was a child and they still didn't help me as an adult.  That hurts so much; I need to stop i am getting too upset.

Sorry.

[Appleblossom]

Take care @BlueBay

The only thing I would suggest is to include trusting yourself a bit more. Trust in your own process of working out a path for you, beyond parents and therapists. Maybe you needed to be able to break boundaries for a while. I dont know. Parents and therapists may help or hinder, but the relationship with yourself is the most important.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay

Yes the fear of abandonment can be all emcompassing. Feeling if we get well and move forward we will be alone again in our pain should we not cope. Not trusting that we have the strength to stand on our own two feet emotionally and face the world with courage. Not trusting others will be there for us regardless. But taking that step is the only way we will escape that emotional limbo and build our inner selves that can handle anything that is thrown at us - freeing us from relentless fear that robs us of our inner peace and equilibrium.

That is the paralysing fear I am facing at the moment that is numbing me. That fear of abandonment, of ending up alone with no love and support. But for different reasons. I have lost 3 children and a 4th has lost her way and am losing her. I have lost my entire side of my family. I stepped through that.

But now I have just been informed that the person that I love and loves me more than anything in the world - his cancer has come out of remission and is spreading again (my husband). He is my life. He is all that I have. The fear is catastrophic. But one I must face and walk through positively for his well being.

I too have to take that leap of faith even though all I want to do is cry and die inside. Believe I can do this and get through it somehow even though I am in emotional turmoil. I also need to take that leap of faith that all will be well. I hold onto hope to support me through, living from moment to moment.

Facing those fears and taking a step forward does not always mean we will loose the people around us but on the contrary - when we become well emotionally letting go of our support system and begin to move forward; and with life being what it is, a rollercoaster, do experience along the way some adversity - this is when the love of those around us can be the strongest and hold us up. We don't have to fear losing them if we left go and move on - those that matter will be there.

That is what I have to trust to move on. Just  because our parent/s and/or other loved ones failed and abandoned/rejected us in the past; does not mean those who love us now will forsake us.

Both of us need to trust we will not be forsaken - alone, lost and vulnerable again as in the past in order to move on and not remain "frozen" in fear. Trust. It's the only way forward. The first leap. Warm hugs xx

[BlueBay]

I am going to write this because I feel i need to get it out of my head ......

This will sound really stupid but I need to write it down on here, even though my head is telling me that I will be judged 😞

I need to wear glasses for reading and I have noticed that when at work I struggle to read shelf labels which are tiny.  I wear glasses for watching tv at home and for driving.  

Now here is the stupid bit - I fear of wearing my glasses to work - for fear of being laughed at, ridiculed, judged and people staring.  I know you will probably think - gosh this is nothing; it's only glasses - but to me it's huge and I can't seem to put them on.  For the past 3 days i have brought them to work but cannot take them out of my bag to wear.  

Can anyone give any advice on this stupid, silly idea I have in my head?  Now it's out on this forum I feel like that people who read this will laugh at me and now i feel i will be judged. 😞

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay

Im definitely not laughing at you. Sorry to hear that this is worrying you. I tend to make things so much bigger in my head than it really is, and become so caught up in thoughts that i cant really work out what is actually most likely to happen. I've been trying to do the CBT thing and challenge the thoughts that I have with more likely/ rational things that could happen.. for instance i get terrified of answering the phone (i dont really know why though!) but i try to reason with myself, well if it comes up with a name of someone i know thats ok, i will answer it.. no one is mad with me or what ever thought crosses my mind, i try tosee if its 'true' or not or how likely it is... Someone else also said to me... have a plan for the worst case scenario that your brain can think of lol! I dont know why, but that acutally helped a lot.. though in different circumstances.

I often find though with most things (though I havent been able to conquer the phone thing) that once i do something that i've been really worried about (goign to an event or something) that its not as bad as i made it out to be in my head...

I hope you are able to wear your glasses at work soon,

LJ

[Appleblossom]

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Would be my advice. @BlueBay  For many things in my life it has had to be my mantra.  I havent had the luxury of doing otherwise.

I have been generally wary of advice-giving but am starting to a bit on this forum.

I didnt laugh at you, as I am one who knows those behaviours can be upsetting. I had to roll with the punches as a kids, cos my glasses often came with a patch stuck on with sticky. Yeah, but sometimes adults are less cruel than kids. I doubt your co-workers are as judgmental as you think they are ... judgments abound but some of them we project onto others, as they come from within.  You are a mum. I think you can do this, but it is up to you, the alternative will cause more stress in the long run.

Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.