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Something’s not right

Dingo70
New Contributor

Ex-wife haunting my head

Hi All, I have been struggling for a number of months now with thoughts of my ex-wife haunting my head multiple times during the day.

I think a lot of this has come about from turning 50 in the last year and you start to look what you have done in life and what hasn't been accomplished and what should have been.

 

My ex-wife was my high school sweetheart and I loved her to bits. We got married when I was 21 and life was great. She decided to go back to uni and did a teaching degree, she changed during the course of this degree and I blame the croud that she hung out with, the majority of them being single. Once she completed the degree she got a job in a remote town and we were going to do long distance for a period of time, but now in hind sight she had other ideas. Not long after moving away she broke up with me over the phone and of all days it was valentines day, so to date I still hate that day coming around. This was 26 years ago.

 

I took it hard and tried to reconcile but she was not interested which broke my heart even more, she just ended our marrage and I had no say what so ever in it.

 

Time went on and she started another relationship quite quickly and about two years down the path got pregnant which again ripped at my heart even more as I was the one who would have loved to have had kids.

 

I have had no contact with her since a couple of months after our marrage ended and she now lives overseas, but because of social media I still see pictures of her from time to time and I can't stand it as I know that I still love her, or so my head may think. I still can't stand the thought of another man touching her which I know is stupid, considering I have had other relationships since.

 

A couple of years down the path I had a serious relationship with a wonderful lady and started to get my life back in order and I really did not think of my ex very often at all, or basically never. That relationship ended and I took that a little hard also but pulled my socks up and moved on. A couple of casual relationships passed and then I met my new wife and life was great, so about 10 years after getting married the first time I was married once again. We have four wonderful kids and I do love my wife very much and for many years my ex never existed.

 

It was only in the past year that I have had dreams of my ex and I would have to say that everyday I think of her. My relationship with my wife is strong and I have no thoughts of wanting to leave, so this is why I know my head is all mixed up and I need help to get things straight again.

2 REPLIES 2

Re: Ex-wife haunting my head

@Dingo70  maybe talking it out with a counsellor would help. It is such a part of life the "what ifs". My ex has regrets about leaving me I know because he has told me but I am happy with our friendship. I do not want anything more. Sounds to me that you never had the chance of the relationship naturally dying and then maybe a friendship developing. Move on my friend. It is time to put your pain to rest. Love peax

Re: Ex-wife haunting my head

Hi @Dingo70,

 

Like you, I have been revisiting an old marriage though in a beautiful relationship now of 17/18 years. That earlier relationship only lasted 9 years in all itself, only 6 of them married. So I have been wondering about it as it's something that's gone on over probably more than 20 years. Not all the time like you are experiencing at the moment, but time to time, usually giving me sad, guilty feelings and some kind of longing in relation to my ex-husband. As @greenpea said, perhaps you and I are missing at some level the friendship that was once so good between us and our exes.

 

I have realised that I need to somehow break the cord that is connecting me to him, free myself of a past relationship that was very troubled, though to everyone else we looked like the perfect couple and even convinced ourselves of that to some degree.

 

Anyway, all this is to say that I have a whisper of understanding of what you are going through. Going to a GP and asking for a mental health plan to see a psychologist for some sessions may help you, to be able to talk it out and possibly find a way forward without her, and without the painful feelings that old connection seems to be bringing.

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