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Curlybeach80
Casual Contributor

Encouragement required...

I met with Catholic Care a week ago and they sent me this website to look at. A week ago things were starting to look up, so I filed the email away. Positive thinking (as always) that things are fine. But they're not when your living with someone with a mental illness are they?

I am a mum of 3 (all under 4) My husband was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about 2 months ago. Most of the time I am fine and I actually mean that. You never know what each day is going to be like but you get on with it. Because you have to.

Tonight is one of those nights where I have a sick child and my husband who can't help because he can't cope with it but can still make me question everything I do.

Tonight is one of those nights I just want to say "snap out of it!!!!" But you can't

I want to scream. I want to cry and most of all I just want to see my husband smile again .

Logic tells me that everything will be OK because it has to. Tonight I'm tired though and logic isn't present.

This is all new to me - so any advice or encouragement of any sort would be great. Would love to connect with other people out there - maybe a Mum supporting their partner?

Thanks for listening:)

21 REPLIES 21
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Encouragement required...

Hi @Curlybeach80,

I am fairly new to these forums and I think it can take some time for people to read and reply. I hope you are finding yourself coping a bit better today. It must be difficult having 3 children under 4. I only have one child and maybe that is a lot easier. Having a partner with a mental illness means that you also have them to care for. 

Do you have any family members or friends to call on to give you some help when you need it? Have you thought about a care plan for yourself? I think it is really important to have something you enjoy to look forward to.

cheers,

Carer101

Re: Encouragement required...

We don't have much family around but we do have good friends. Ironically- even though it's chaos with the kids, they put a smile on my face.

What type of care plan do you mean? I get out an exercise which helps but that's about it
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Encouragement required...

How's the weekend been for you both?

PS: I'm impressed that you're fitting in extra exercise on top of running around after 3 kids Curlybeach80!!

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Encouragement required...

Whoops!...sorry Carer101 meant to ask what you have found helpful in your careplan?....and actually if there's anyone else that's got info on what can work well, would love to hear from you... Smiley Happy

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Encouragement required...

Hi @Curlybeach80

Young children are lovely aren't they. Such a joy to be around. I think a little chaos is life enhancing.

What you will need will depend on your own situation. I am fairly new to participating on this forum but if you have a look at the looking after ourselves forum you will find at least one thread about depression being catchy which I think has some useful information. I will try to post a link here.

http://arafminsw.saneforums.org/t5/Looking-after-ourselves/is-depression-catchy/m-p/22289#M775

There are other resources online that I have found helpful. You might like to also check out the beyond blue site which has a publication for carers which I have found helpful. 

It is also good to become familiar with the side effects of any medications your partner may be taking. This will help you to identify when help may be needed. For example some anti depressants can cause a mania type response in some people.

I think it is the case that some men when they are suffering anxiety and depression may become angry and controlling. Although this may not be the case for you. If you are at all afraid of your partners moods it helps to have a plan in place in case you need to leave. Even if you never need it at least you have the reassurance of knowing that you will be able to cope.

Give priority to doing things for yourself like spending time with your friends and exercising. It is easy to let these things drop when you are very busy but they are necessary for your own wellbeing.

Hopefully others with more experience might offer more advice

 

cheers,

Carer101

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Encouragement required...

Hi just had another thought @Curlybeach80,

 

Try and keep hold of your hope for recovery. Hope is what keeps you doing the next thing necessary.

cheers,

Carer101.

Re: Encouragement required...

Tried to post and don't think it worked so will try again and apologies if it comes through twice...
Hi @Curlybeach80
I have only just joined these forums but wanted to say that I am in a similar situation - two young kids and a husband who struggles with his depression. I often feel like I am the only adult in the house. Most of the time I can manage doing the house stuff, the parenting, looking after him / being the supportive wife, working to financially support us and putting all my energy to make the whole thing work. Mostly survivable but infinitely harder when I'm not getting enough sleep (teething baby, early starts with kids and staying up too late trying to calm an anxious and upset husband...) But every now and then I feel I have nothing left - I am not allowed to have a bad day (me yelling at the kids and not coping is apparently me undermining his recovery, making him feel worse and I'm the problem...) me asking for help reinforces his feeling of not being good enough and starts the death spiral into worse depression... Often I think I could keep going if there was even a little bit of acknowledgement of how much I do and some thanks - even just "thanks for looking after me so well - I appreciate it".
So I have absolutely no answers but know that you are not alone and that he would be in a much worse place without you being so supportive and you are doing a great job even if it doesn't feel like it.
I think it's a bit like parenting - there are good days and bad days and you never know which it will be; but (I hope) we won't be stuck here forever...

Re: Encouragement required...

Thanks and this is the type of talk that keeps me going and knowing everything will work out.

Re: Encouragement required...

I can second everything you have just said. So nice to know there is someone else out there going through the same experience (even though it's not a great one!)

And as you said, YOU are doing a fab job of being a supportive wife and mother. Also a great reminder that as a mother it is a tireless and thankless job. I caught myself thinking about grandkids the other day and counting down the years until they are young adults and hopefly start appreciating me.

Is your husband on medication and is he seeing someone? Showing signs of any improvement?

I think that has been the hardest thing for me - I'm very black and white and tend to get on with it and expect change a little too quickly.

From what I can see about depression and anxiety - it's the worst illness to have as the treatment / progression are all different and variable.

I hope you get some sleep this week and a little time out. This is my first week of accepting help in the form of a babysitter and starting my middle child at daycare to give me a bit of a break and so far it's been the best thing I've done. We're eating into our savings but my sanity is in check so far. Of course we're only on Tuesday though 🙂

The other thing I did today was send my hubby an email with reassurance and I got a nice response. To be honest I'm finding talking to him face to face too hard as it's taken the wrong way but email seems to work. So that may be an idea for you (not original though)

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