Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Powderfinger]

@Faith-and-Hope 

I have not started counselling yet. Gaslighting is a very horrible thing to be put through, horrible and cruel. I wonder if they new and could see from a different perspective how much that stuffs up the head and hurts the heart, how much damage it does, would they stop? It is a pointless question though. The one thing I can say is that until I go through counselling and sort a lot of this out, I am really not going to get better. I am actually still in love with my ex and that makes things so much haredr for me. It has only been two weeks today since she moved out. I am sure I need to say no more than that for any understanding. 

I am not sure if it is allowed due to forumn gudielines, but if you can, could you share what personality disorder you are learning about at the moment? 

Thank you for sharing. 

[Powderfinger]

@Faith-and-Hope 

Some interesting points you make here @Faith-and-Hope  When I first met my ex, we spoke every single day. Text by day and talk at night. We would talk for hours every single night without fail. She lived in a different state. I have fond memories of those time between us. It is something I wanted to do, and we didnt take it for granted we were going to. If either of us was busy, I think both of us would have respected that. It is boith what we wanted to do. 

We did not get together via phone. We did meet in person. She flew from WA to QLD. Long story cut short, I ended up packing my life up in QLD and moving to WA. First of all, I wanted to relocate to a new part of Australia and they were for very good reason, so it wasn't entirely for her. When it was time for her to fly back to Perth after her visit, she did not want to go. She was upset. There is more to that, but it is not really relevant here. 

When I moved to WA, I had my own accommodation sorted out. I would be living literally 10 mins away from her. When I went to see where I would be living, she came along with me. I was staying with her at her place temporarily until I moved in there. After we had looked and we got back to her place, she said to me that she wasnt happy about me going to live there. She said she respected that it was my plans, its just that she preferred it if I lived with her. I was unsure about it, being so soon. It's a big decision to move in with someone and we still had a lot to learn about each other. Long story cut short again, I decided to not move into the place I had lined up and I ended up staying with her. 

Now, I have to also take responsibility because it was not forced on me to stay. I am an adult and I made my own choice here. If I was to go back and do it again, I would have stuck to the accommodation I had organised for myself. I also did not make that decision lightly. To me it felt right at the time when I made it. 

So, when a discussion comes up about how serious and intense a relationship becomes in a very short space of time; how hard the abuser works to sweep the victim off their feet and make them dependant as soon as possible, I take a step back and do not judge too quickly here in regards to my experience because I too made decisions and choices. Also there are some variations here, she did not work hard to sweep me off my feet and I did not work hard to sweep her off her feet. Not that I can actually remember. We were both ourselves. As for being dependant on her, well that actually did happen. It was hard for me because I was so used to my own independance. 

I had move to a new state that I had never been to. I did not drive, and she insisted on taking me everywhere in her car. I would have learnt the bus system like I have in every other state I have lived in Australia. I was living in here place as it took me a while to call it ours. She ended our relationship twice while I lived there with her. That was hard because I did not know WA, I did not know anyone in WA and I couldn't just move out at a moments notice. It would take me time to find somewhere. I will say that did sso much damage to me and to the relationship itself. Yet again. I ahd a choice. I could have moved out both times, but I chose to stay when she said to me she ahd made a mistake and didn't actually want me to leave. So, yes in this way she held power. I felt I had none. 

As I said, it has only been two weeks today since she left. I have no idea whats going on because I feel millions of things and it is all so very very confusing for me. I am in pain, deep pain, still so much confusion, grief, dealing with loss, trying to work me out and yes what actually happened. I also am trying to deal with a relationship that there has been no closure for me. I am devastated about our separation. I am messed up in my head and heart, so just nothing is easy right now. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

It's NPD @Powderfinger ..... and while there's no actual dushnosis (these folks don't exactly live up to get diagnosed) the patterns are unmistakable ..... and it's the effect in all those around them that makes it stand right out when you understand what it is .....

If my perception and the advice I have received are wrong, well they are so close to the mark that the effect is the same.  Unfortunately I spent 10 years in the "devaluation" spin cycle, so in the face of an incredible betrayal, delivered with such a sneering smirk that I could recognise no semblance of the man I had once loved, that it was well and truly over fir me in that moment.  And that was before I had even learned what NPD was, but the pattern is unmistakable.  It all fell into place, but was still so hard to wrap my head around.

I am sorry it is still so early and raw for you.  Counselling was the best thing I had / have done for myself.  It has been the healing pathway.  

The rest is still hard work ..... the deception was pretty complete and far reaching, so the disentangling and extracting myself from the mess he made of our finances, possessions, relationships and life choices is still intense and a legal land mine.  Baby steps is the way to go.

Good luck and like other forum supporters here, I am around and happy to listen if it helps you find your way forward.

[Faith-and-Hope]

It sounds like a counsellor can help you put the pieces together in a way that helps you to understand what happened and what you are going through @Powderfinger.  Such things as co-dependence and coercive control may play a part in it, and certainly if you are a very empathetic person, you will make decisions, and own those decisions, as you have and are doing, that causes you to recognise that you were a willing participant ..... in the beginning, and possibly fir most of the way through.  If you're a loyal person, and a oriblem-silver, that is all part of the mix, and they are good values you can honour as a decent part of yourself.

I can speak from my own experience, and caution you about red flags, or what sort of support you might want to seek out, but we can't know each other's stories to the degree professional supporters can, and where we can talk at a deeper level about the issues without the necessary anonymity we are held to here.

If my story helps you to find healing, I am pleased.  Keep taking care of you ....

[Powderfinger]

@Faith-and-Hope 

Sorry it has taken me a bit to reply. I can only reply when I have a moment of my own pain decreasing even just a tiny bit to even write back. 

I know NPD extremely well. I wish I didn't. It can be diagnosed but it is very rare that it is. Unfortunately not even most therapists csnnoivj it up because the reality is the NPD person is abusing them as well. 

They are cold people and eventually that gets shown. I'm not surprised the betrayal was delivered ith a sinister sneer. I am very sorry your heart and soul endured that horrific pain and betrayal. 

I unfortunately have had my heart and soul betrayed terribly by a NPD person. There is no other explanation for the cruelty they dished out with what seemed to me extremely unremorseful. Absolutely no care at what they carried out and even actually quite pissed off that I was hurt. On top of that, the smear campaign started. I know this journey. I very rarely talk about it. I just don't want to. 

As for my recent ex, I'm not keen to also thus label in her at thus point. I'm actually in a really dark place and there are just some days I'm really not coping. I have reached out. Sometimesz I'm too angry, hurt, confused, annoyed, want to scream, want to be comforted and most days I don't get this things I'm needing cause I can't find anyone that is actually interested in giving me what I need at times. 

Pushing me to let go, move on, focus on myself, giving me positive quotes, doing all the things I don't need and bit understanding that I'm in a dark place and it's going to take so much more than what they are doing. 

I'm missing her terribly and grieving. I've tried to reach out to her and I don't get any response. Unless it's to do with the money side if things being sorted or like there has been mail come for her, she will respond to that but nothing else. 

Powderfinger. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am so sorry to hear that you know NPD so well @Powderfinger ..... and you are right, they lay on the charm with psychologists, psychiatrists, counsellors ...... unless the mask slips or they suffer a narc injury and drop into a rage in response, there is no way of picking up that it's a masquerade ...... with zero emotional empathy they carry it off with aplomb and no remorse.

I am sorry you are in such pain and misery at the moment.  It sounds as though counselling is the order of the day ..... you said you haven't had your first session yet.  Is it far away ?

Please take care of yourself as best you can.   Some days are just for breathing through while you wait for the pain and grief to subside a bit ...... 

[Powderfinger]

@Faith-and-Hope 

I hope to never be involved with another one again in my life. As for counselling I am meant to start next week Friday. I am having some reservations about it though. I have just finished a post about about all of it so hopefully I can get some feedback. I just feel so very lost and decision making most times for me at the moment is damn near impossible. I am feeling very frustrated. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @Powderfinger.

[Care4u]

Dear friend, l hear you and understand your grief. Been there and still am yet again. You are not alone. It can be hard to hear this but you need to let go of this toxic relationship. Easier said than done, l know. It can be difficult on your own as humans we are social creatures and may crave for companionship no matter how abusive it may seem. Sometime we attract the wrong kind of people in our relationships thinking that we can save them but hurt and damage ourselves in the process. Therapy seems like the right path for a start. Best wishes to you 

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@Powderfinger wrote:

Was it emotional abuse with intention or not intentional. I still don't know??? I've been crying a lot tonight. I'm sad, I'm hurting, I want answers, I'm confused and just feel so much pain. 

Acknowledging things is hard. I don't even understand nor can I figure out if I'm still in love or what I even feel. There are do many beautiful memories. Yet, so much conflict with the times that really got to me and dud cause damage? I do ask myself, did I have it all wrong? Was I too hard on her when I got hurt? Was I a terrible and unbearable person to be around? 

I'm trying to see why? I'm finding that so hard. I've tried talking about it but so far nobody has been of any great support or help to me. So, I stopped talking about it. 

I remember when it first started in February 2020 and it just kept going in periods of time. She just would stop talking to me. I'd done nothing, nothing that I could think of. At that time we were living in a one room cabin so being ignored was even harder. At first it was only for a short time. She just wouldn't talk to me. She would just sit and write in this notebook. It feels like so long ago that the memories are a bit vagues. 

As time went on, it didn't stop. It only got worse. The amount of time got longer, no explanation, just stopped talking to me altogether. Over time it caused damage to me and the relationship more and more. I tried everything to work with her so it would stop but it didn't. Even now I just feel so numb and empty. I felt like I didn't exist and that I didn't matter to her. I tried to be strong but most times after a few days I would break down crying. I would because I didn't understand and I missed her. Most of those times she knew I was crying and offered no comfort to me and that caused more damage. I also started to change. I can't remember in which ways but I did. 

I still feel the pain and everything I felt when it was happening. I put up with most of it because I knew intimate details about her childhood. She was completely ignored by her mother. Her needs, actually all of her needs were completely ignored. I knew her pain and I made concessions for her childhood. I thought if I just stuck it out, we could make it and one day this would not be happening anymore. 

There was more that went on, on an emotional level. I definitely felt abandoned.  Yet it was so hard because at times she could be so amazing at being emotionally supportive. It was do confusing for me. 

I'm sad, hurt. I don't know if it was abuse? I don't know if she intentionally chose to do it to hurt me. I don't know if it was unintentional and she couldn't see the damage it had caused me. Just so much I don't know. 

When she was preparing to move out, she acted like she was so happy. In her last two weeks here it was like ecstatic for her freedom. Of course I saw it. I said nothing but it crushed me deep inside. 

As I said, I've tried talking about it to some people but it just hasn't been helpful and a lot of the responses I've been given havn't been helpful either.

I feel like I just want to run away somewhere that I can't be found.  

Powderfinger. 

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