Lived Experience Forum

[BlackCat13]

I cannot believe I am where I am again... I had been doing ok.

One off my biggest issues is trust, I don't trust easily. So for me to open that part of me a fraction was difficult but after talking to him nearly every day, I risked my self set protection and let him in a little. It was lovely having someone who wanted to talk to me and spend time together online. Neither of us wanted anything other than friendship. He helped me through some tough moments, helping me to settle and even though I did not know how, he said I helped him too.  Three months on he has vanished, leaving me wondering why. All the darkness that ha been at bay now has been washing Over me bringing with it some very dark thoughts fir me.

i have not had an alcoholic drink since 2009, just a choice I made when I realised it didn't dull my pain, but tonight the thought of taking my sleeping tablets, I have been placed back on, with vodka.  I'm so tired and stressed and anxious I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I just hope I am strong enough to get through this darkness. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlackCat13

It's Froginthepond here, one of the moderators. I'm sorry to read that you are in a dark place and struggling tonight. I can understand how you are feeling after getting close to someone (even online), and then having that person vanish without explanation. Very upsetting.

I'm concerned for your safety because you are thinking about using alcohol and sleepers to blot everything out. These thoughts of self harm are common when our mood is low and we feel alone, let down. Sounds like your anxiety is high too.

I encourage you to do whatever you can to take care of yourself tonight. Try to use distracting and soothing activities to wind down a bit and get ready for sleep. Sleep will help soothe a stressed out nervous system.

Please consider calling one of the helplines and talk things through with a counsellor. These services are exactly for someone in your situation and can help you develop a self care plan for tonight and tomorrow.

Lifeline - 13 11 14

Beyond Blue - 1300 224 636 

If you need urgent medical support call 000.

I read that you have a cat. Can you cuddle up with him and watch some TV until you are ready for sleep?

I will be on through the night so feel free to keep chatting if you want to. You can also email me privately via the Sane site.

kind regards,

Frog

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlackCat13_ sorry you're going through this valley & feeling suicidal. Relationships breakdown is very high on the internal stress scale, and stress causes distress and distress, if high enough can cause many of us to want to end it all. We think we wanna die but we just want the pain to go. And it will. No point making a permanent decision based on a temporary problem. A lot of the suffering comes from thoughts, beliefs we ourselves attach to the event. when my boyfriend broke up with me & I miscarried his baby I added to it by telling myself 'I'm inloveable' 'nobody wants me' everyone leaves' 'I can't even carry a pregnancy' 'there's no hope of future joy..." NOW I'm trying to stop that overthinking & accept what is without adding to it, or forming a judgement over it. It is what it is, nothing else. He left you and in an immature fashion. This does not mean you're unloveable, undervalues etc Him leaving is pain enough - hug yourself and say ouch, that hurt, I'm gonna lick this wound 'till it heals. BE KIND TO YOURSELF, not like him, be like your own best friend & you'll gain strength to go on. Deep breaths. No grog (or sleepers), watch a fav movie and a cup of cocoa. There's a thread here recently "what stops me?" You might find it useful to read the many contributed posts there. There really is so much to live for. Read Russ Harris books "the happiness trap' & " reality slap" they helped me a lot. Have a cry, you'll feel better in the morning. Hugs xox

[utopia]

@BlackCat13. Just saw your post and wanted to check how you are feeling this morning.
Did you manage to get some sleep without mixing alcohol with the sleepers.
No judgements here. I've done my share of bad self harm behavior.
Do you have any plans for today? A walk to the shops? Catching up with a friend?
I have been struggling this past week with not drinking. Been hard at times. Especially when my anxiety is high. So I can understand that.
I know you have been through a hard time. But I hope you are able to celebrate or at least think about your achievements.
* You gave up alcohol - because you recognised it wasn't helping
* You have an awareness of what is best for your health
* You took a risk and allowed yourself to be vulnerable enough to let somebody in - that takes guts
* You reached out here - when you were struggling with self harming thoughts.
So reward yourself for these achievements. Have a long shower or a soak in the bath. Eat some chocolate or make a dish you enjoy eating. Sit in the sunshine and breath.
And remember that this is just a temporary feeling - a temporary pain. It will pass. And we are here for you.

[BlackCat13]

Thank you for checking up on me. I am still feeling really down and crying a lot but did not take any alcohol. Honestly I cannot even remember typing the message on here and were it not for the email notifications I would have had no idea.

[utopia]

@BlackCat13. I'm glad you are safe. You must have been eextremely distraught to not remember typing the post. But it happens like that sometimes.
Are you able to just sit with the sadness and cry?
Is there a friend or family member you could call - if you need some company?
There will always be people to chat with on here. Have a look at some of our social posts like The Beer Garden - I know - bad name for us who don't or try not to drink. These posts are just for social chitchats when thats what you need. A good bunch of people on there.
Or have a look at other posts that may resonate with you. You can join in and post on someone else's post. It's how we all learn to navigate our way through mental health.
I've got to go and drive my son to the train now. But I'll be back later, if you feel like a chat.

[Appleblossom]

Glad you managed to avoid temptation to mix a bad cocktail. 

Even if we are used to being alone, and I am a self confessed loner. we all love sharing and friendship.

I had a few experiences like that when I was younger... 30 years ago ... it may not help much at the moment while you are hurting from an unexpected abandonment... but now I am glad the actual time together and treasure those memories as positive ... not all friends are meant to be for life.. some pop back .. and go again.

There are some great people on this forum .. and people share in all sorts of ways ..

welcome .. even tho it feels like a sad & difficult time at the moment.

Apple

[Redraw]

I can relate to this I have had women do such things to me, in similar situations, I also have seriously severe trust issues, I quit drinking years ago as well, for the same reason, 

[BlackCat13]

Thank you for replying. Tonight is a little easier, the darker thought not so forceful. I don't have any friends to talk too and not comfortable with my family to talk to them. When I got my initial major depression, anxiety and stress diagnoses it too me 2 weeks to be able to tell them via email. I'm not a chatty person by nature as I don't trust anyone, when I have it was disasterous for me every time.i can go days over a weekend without speaking to another human being. I'm just not comfortable around others. Thank you for your message.

[Redraw]

Once again I can relate to the trust thing and the not speaking to people thing and not being comfortable around people thing, my family we have our moments but when it comes to deep stuff I don't tend to go there, I have no friends to discuss any of it with again I guess part of that at least for me is being male the other part is that the one person I would count as a friend i see very sporadically. Last time I spoke to anyone with the exception of minimal acknowledgment at the supermarket was I think 3 days ago, in a one to one situation I may be able to talk a little but when there is more I clam up because there is to many variables and to much data, and with to much data can also come overload where it's like I shut down and walk around in a daze and when it comes to talking I am not very good at it generally it consists of "yeah did some work on my drawing" riveting stuff hey hahaha