Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

It is my birthday today and I hate it. It reminds me I'm alive and I shouldn't be. I wish I had never been born. I will have to spend another day with a smile that feels like it's burning my face off. It is worse on your birthday because you have to look especially happy and gracious to people weren't there when nightmares came true. I just want to end it all but that is just another thing to feel guilty about. I hate myself, every disgusting detail, and would love to smash my head in. My wish is to die in an accident today so I don't get blamed. So many years that never should have been. Sorry to waste your time, I'm just so alone and thought this was worth a try to distract me through the night at least. Why am I taking up a worthless life when other people are taken from rich, happy lives? I feel guilty everytime I think of it. I'm just tired, so sick and tired. My apologies but there is no one else and it's all seething inside me, I could rip my skin off. Oh well, I will still be here and get up in the morning, I have to.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member,

So sorry you are feeling particularly low and frustrated today. Maybe you don't have to smile today. You don't have to conform to nice traditions. Do the people you will see today know you are suffering?

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member. Im sorry, im an idiot. It's just stupid and useless and i shouldnt have said any of that. Sorry!

[marchhare]

Hi Frogit.

It is Marchhare here, one of the forum moderators. I am really sorry that you are feeling so low on your birthday. Birthdays can be such hard days to get through. You are certtainly not wasting our time by posting tonight. That is one of the main reasons these forums are here.To help each other through the tough times and bithdays can be tough times. It is fine to vent your frustration and anger here tonight.

Take care and I am sure you will get more support from the forum members.

Marchhare

[Former-Member]

It's ok @Former-Member. I've let off steam here before with similar. Please don't be sorry. It sucks when you can't see a future and feel like life is too hard. Been there too. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find some connection and support here. 💜🤗

[Change123]

@Former-Member

You are not being stupid, I too hate birthdays and my anxiety builds till then.  I have always had horrible birthdays growing up so its almost like a trigger for me.  I have spent quite a few years being like you, going to birthday parties organised for me and the pain of having to act so happy when you are not.

These days just me and my partner do what ever we feel like on the day, I'm not material so presents dont mean much but just having a relaxing day, not having to cook or do dishes get takeaway - these are the little things I enjoy most on my birthday.  I dont go out anymore on my birthday and I hvae enjoyed the day much more this way.

Do what ever you feel like doing, its your day not theirs!