11-11-2019 04:38 PM
Hi everyone. I'm a new member here.
A little over 18 months ago I was diagnosed with OCD which I have probably had for most of my life (I'm 34 now).
Over the past eight months or so, I have felt unsure if I really do have OCD or maybe I have manipulated people to believe I do, or maybe I am even pretending to myself and trying to make myself I have this disorder when I actually don't. This really worries me. I'm not sure how I can work out if I really have OCD or not when I can't trust myself. I'm finding this situation increasingly confusing and distressing and not really sure what to do from here.
does anyone have any suggestions or similar experiences?
11-11-2019 04:58 PM
I've been there with depression, aspergers diagnosis etc. I'd even watched ocd documentaries and thought it wasn't me because mine was all based on logic.
you can really only see what your dr or health professional suggests, there is a test called the YBOCS test but diagnosing yourself comes with its own set of problemms - some things need to be observed and done by pros.
11-11-2019 05:31 PM
Thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you had issues with diagnosis, it seems pretty common with ocd. My doctor/s have said they do believe that OCD is what I have but I find it very difficult to be sure and believe them. I have done the YBOCS as well but because it's my own answers I'm always second-guessing whether I am answering truthfully. I am going to start seeing a new psychologist soon who is an OCD specialist and I hope she will be able to confirm it for me...
11-11-2019 05:48 PM
Hi @Coriander and welcome to the forums.
Given that OCD centres around doubt and reassurance, I understand that it's VERY common for people to start obsessing about/doubting whether they really do have it or whether they've "made it up". I've had the exact thoughts you've described below.
It might help to see these doubts as a symptom of the OCD itself. Therefore, just like any other obsession you can try to just sit with them without either blocking them or following them down the rabbit hole. What would it mean if you manipulated people and yourself into believing you have it? Would that change anything for you? Uncomfortable thoughts, but bringing them to the light and just letting them sit there takes away some of their power.
As difficult as it is, the only way to win this game is not to play.
11-11-2019 08:07 PM
@Coriander Hi as @Lise07 mentioned doubting that you have ocd and looking for reassurance for having ocd can be a symptom of ocd. I am diagnosed with sever OCD and have had it all my life and for a number of years it was taking up 20 hours of my day everyday. thankfully it is now not as intense but it is a very tricky thing to spot and i genuinely had no clue i had it because i didnt really know anything about ocd and ended up finding out by accident after watching something on youtube. I didnt know to mention things to my psychologist at the time because i thought it was normal but after seeing the video i mentioned some things and we had a long chat over a few sessions and it was confirmed that i had ocd.
if you think about it the obsession is "do i really have ocd" the compulsion you are carrying out is looking for ways to verify and reassure yourself that you do have it or prove that you dont. i have those thouhgts often "is this really ocd, is it bad enough to be ocd" usually the answer ends up being yes. but part of dealing with ocd is accepting that you cant always be certain...
12-11-2019 06:59 PM
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. That makes sense that it's just another way to have obsessions. It just feels so important and like I really need to work out what it is - especially because I feel like I shouldn't be accessing the treatment I'm getting now if I don't really have OCD. I have heard a lot about not trying to chase the thoughts but kind of not sure how to do that either...
12-11-2019 07:05 PM
Thanks @Eden1919 the way you explain it is really helpful. Like you I had it for a long time and then sort of got diagnosed by accident after I was referred to a psychiatrist by my midwife. I didn't know much at all about ocd but the psychiatrist diagnosed it and explained about it and it seemed to fit really well. It's just very hard to accept not knowing! I'm sure you get what I mean. I'm so worried that if I'm pretending to have OCD that means I'm not a good person.
13-11-2019 11:16 PM
@Coriander oh I do get it for sure. It is so frustrating isnt it? but one thing i do firmly believe is that you cant truly fake a mental illness at least not without getting caught eventually. because to be honest people without mental illness dont think the same way. the thoughts just dont come up for them or at the least in the same intensity but ocd is tricky because you dont get a break from the worries at all and you cant not worry in some way.
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