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Something’s not right

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Hi @outlander 

 

How are you doing? I hope you're coping.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Hi @Sans911 

 

Thank you, please remember that you are valued too. How have you been?

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Hi @Appleblossom 

 

How are you? Rage is common for me, fortunately or unfortunately I direct and keep it to myself. Like you it does rear its head from time to time sometimes for a long time. But I'm not angry that I was saved and am still alive, I accept that it is in the past.It doesn't stop the suicidal thoughts though.

I hope rage in you and me will with time.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

 

How are you? Have the bumps become a little less bumpy? Is it related to the health crisis or something else? I'm pretty glued to the news at the moment.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Hi @Maggie 

 

Thank you for thinking of me 🙂  Are you having a little more ups than downs?

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Hi @Former-Member Nikki

 

Has the world been facing up at times in the past week. Containing is so hard, it takes a lot out of me every day, but I've been told it will get easier with time, that it won't take as much energy.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Good morning

 

@Gazza75 @BlueBay @Shaz51  @eth  @NatureLover @Dizzyizzy @Maggie  @Appleblossom @musicfanatic_x @Sans911 @frog @Teej @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Mazarita 

 

I hope you are coping with the new developments in the health crisis. Are any of you in the current hotspots / lockdown? I'm thinking of you all. I find the daily, hourly changes extremely hard to handle. I know I should not be reading the news, but at the moment that is impossible, as I need the info too. So I'm stuck in a cycle of uncertainty and I struggle to deal with that. Change has a major impact on my mental health, especially if we go back into lock down. I didn't cope with the first lockdown and the fires before that, it gets worse every time now. Yes, I've refined a coping strategy, but I can't paint every minute of the day, my eyes get tired. I'm supposed to see a relative interstate and I don't know if I'll be able to do it now, if I will get stuck on the other side if things get worse and the borders close or if I will get a stay at home order. My carefully thoughts through plan of how I'll manage interstate doesn't work now. I don't know.

I've also had some major triggers in the past few days and I can feel my head getting messy, too many triggers, too many thoughts, too many feelings and rapidly changing. I'm scared at home, from demons I know, but they have more power again. I feel unstable again, self harm and suicidal thoughts are creeping in. I try to reach out for help, but I once again, it is too hard to explain and work on. I'd also need support every day, as there is too much popping up every day. I'm frustrated and angry with myself that I have talked about most things before and it keeps coming back relentlessly. I've been told over the years, that my progress in therapy gets extremely impacted when current events impact me, once I was told that I 'lost' a year in therapy due to a major life change. Repetitiveness is a warning sign when I become suicidal. It's progress to recognise a sign. I can see pattern most days, but when I'm unwell I see patterns in everything and everything seems just hopeless. I don't know how to break it and I'm not going back to hopsital. Even hospital is repetitive. Repetitive doesn't make sense to me. I don't sleep much anyway, but even less now and I struggle a lot with eating, I've been losing weight all year, unintended, and I'm losing more every week now. Eating is repetitive too and I don't like eating or have an appetite. I eat because I have to. People talk about comfort eating, and I don't feel like comfort eating, I remember a time when I did.

Anyway, I hope you have a nice day. I feel like I'm repeting myself here too, so I don't want to write anymore. Take good care of yourselves xox

Re: Dark place

Morning @Former-Member 👋💕

 

Despite how you are feeling I am glad you are posting to forum friends this morning.  I am not finding what you have written repetitive (as an fyi) but I can see how it might feel that way, and how patterns can feel like that have taken over everything ..... it sounds as though you have a great strength in being able to "join the dots" and connect events, circumstances, feelings, etc into patterns and grids ..... not at all surprising if you are artistic.  It sort of goes with the territory, and can be both a help and a hindrance depending on how it is applied.  Once you know that tendency is there, a counsellor or therapist can help provide you with strategies to keep it operating more for you than against you .....

 

So great to hear that you are painting .... 🎨❣️  I am still working through my art course, which is my life bouy of sorts.

 

My marriage separated at the end of last year, with another person in the mix, and my unwell estranged husband causing complications and grief across most of my relationships and hindering the separation process with manipulations and control issues. Our kids are suffering in the midst of it all, and I just have to keep pushing through until things get sorted as much as they can be, and I get help to keep appropriate boundaries in place, because he doesn't recognise any.  It really sucks, but like stepping stones we just have to keep moving across the difficult circumstances until we reach that place beyond them.

 

One thing I have learned in life is to keep reaching for the counter-weight ...... if things are upended and unbalanced, then grab hold of something else to stick on the other end of the scale.  That's my art course, and music, and I am rediscovering an interest in cooking through a home-delivery service where you follow recipes with provided ingredients in the right quantities, which is really helping with being in lockdown with one of my dependent adult kids.

 

Setting even simple daily goals can help as well.  I try to make my bed every day, and clear the kitchen sink before going to sleep, that sort of thing.  Putting to-do things in place can push less helpful thoughts and feelings out if the way a bit, if that makes sense.

 

You might be struggling with appetite @Former-Member, but food serves us for different reasons, and sometimes focusing on the other reasons can help motivate us to keep looking after ourselves, such as ticking nutrition boxes .... making sure we get the spread of essentials happening.  I hope this helps 💕

 

Would love to see you here more often, if and when you feel up to it.

 

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Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Dark place

Hi @Faith-and-Hope 

 

I am so sorry to hear that the separation is having such a bad impact on your & your kids life, I hope that this will settle for you in the near future. I'm glad you're reaching out for help. It's important that you don't carry everything by yourself.

 

i like your idea of the counter balance, but can't really figure out how to do that. Can you explain that further please?

 

The patterns I see are not about connecting dots. I see patterns in everything. For example I can be completely immersed looking at a pattern on a chair cover, in my head I look at them from different angles and see new symmetries or how they work together... It's something I lived with all my life and that part is not necessarily bad. But when I feel unwell I see everything in patterns, exclusively in patterns and that pretty much takes my will to live away. That's why I have to notice when seeing patterns becomes more intense. 

Art helps me. It was hard for a long time to let go of straight lines and exact edges etc but now I often just start painting for the sake of painting, not to create. Most of the time I throw my art in the bin or paint over it when I finish. I keep photos. I only started art when I became ill. I never saw myself as creative and until recently I never did any art courses. I just painted and chose colours I liked. 

What kind of art are you learning in your course?

 

Routine is another love - hate relationship I have. I used to have strict routines including diet down to the last calorie, to the point where it was very unhealthy. My therapist has worked with me for a long time to be less strict. Then I go the other way and do nothing at all. So when I'm unwell I've been told to choose one activity, just one activity I want to do, and preferably something that I remember I used to enjoy. Routines are very important for me to find stability, but unfortunately they overwhelm me too. My current routine is taking my meds three times a day and trying to eat something/anything at least once a day 😊

Take care my friend and I'll try to stay in touch a bit more often x

 

Re: Dark place

"But when I feel unwell I see everything in patterns, exclusively in patterns and that pretty much takes my will to live away. That's why I have to notice when seeing patterns becomes more intense."

 

Thank you heaps for sharing this. It sounds like you're familiar with this experience. I always appreciate how incredibly congruent your posting is. I thought I would mention, as you have an interest in art, our next Topic Tuesday online event is art related 🙂 Keep an eye out for details under special events Heart @Former-Member 

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