Skip to main content
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Something’s not right

Danquest
Casual Contributor

Custody and NPD

Hi,

I lost my wife to brain cancer last year. Her ex had started a court case against her to gain custody of the children alleging violence from me.

In a first hearing, he gained custody after 10 years of the children living with us. We had no chance to prepare the hearing as she was in hospital for her second surgery.

2 months later after debunking his allegations, the children, who wanted to live with us mostly, were returned to us.

A few months later she passed away.

As he was supposed to have the children for half the holidays following, the children went to his place not to be returned.

My wife begged me to look after them and wrote it in her will.

The children told me they wanted to live with me.

So I enquire and follow the legal advice to make an application for custody. 

I suggested further a family psychologist assessment to assist the court into the decision and he accepted it.

As I had a decade of loving and caring (taking them to all their activities, to dentist, GPs...and being there for sports, hugs, cuddles and bedtime stories) for the children as my own while he would call us as soon as he couldn't deal with one for a weekend, I thought it was pretty self obvious and explanatory...

 

But the psychologist diagnosed me with NPD, suggested I was bipolar, and recommended the children and I have no communication at all.

I had no idea what was involved in NPD so did some research.

I was so in shock I asked friends, family and my first marriage adult children if they thought I had any of the known behaviour/symptoms of NPD and they all said it was a joke.

But now, the assessor is a clinical/ forensic psychologist,  and those affected by NPD are said not to be aware of their condition.

 

So I doubt. I don't want to be a negative influence for the children.

I've contacted some psychologists to get a proper diagnosis and confirmation. But none have replied positively so far.

 

As I have the grieving of my wife affecting me by sudden burst at times (2-3 times a week for 15mn on average), mostly when reminded by others of what life could have been now with her still alive, I also face her ex and his supports. He called me to insult me over the phone after one month of dating his ex wife right from the beginning and has pretty much been abusive and insulting me since, most of it being reported by the children when spending time with him.

I consider him toxic and prefer to avoid any interaction with him as I'm rather a bubbly personality as my partners and friends would tell me.

I don't go from euphoria to depression. I'm rather emotionally stable and as an ex airforce officer, I was assigned to numerous missions to "fix things".

 

Out of the 2 boys, the eldest has already changed his mind to decide to live with his father and I'm ok with his choice. The younger one told everyone he wants to see his dad but wants to live with me...

A few months ago the eldest broke his iphone and his dad almost immediately got him a brand new one.

A few weeks later, the younger one's phone stopped operating and still hasn't got a phone which makes communications difficult.

I've been reported by adult siblings he is facing a lot of peer pressure to state he wants to live with his biological father which breaks my heart and fills it with guilt of not being able to protect him.

 

Thus I feel stuck.

1) who and how can I be assessed about having NPD or not, and that it is legally recognised (lawyer told me that psychologist isn't a doctor...) in case I go on with the court proceedings;

2) Should I stop with court proceedings and let my little man live at his father's (I will feel guilty of abandoning him...);

3) Should I carry on and face the other party relentless hate and verbal abuse (with my little man being a collateral victim of emotional damages) and invest in endless legal fees to debunk all the lies and manipulations made?

4) Is there any chance the things can calm down, become a bit more settled or am I dreaming?

 

I filled like the woman who didn't want the baby to be cut in 2 by King Salomon. I think I have so much to offer to him but at what emotional cost? I knew it would turn ugly and that's why I didn't want my wife to ask me to look after them...

 

Thank you in advance for any advice or experience share.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Custody and NPD

If I understand correctly, you are the children's father? They are biologically yours?..

@Danquest 

Re: Custody and NPD

That is really a terrible situation to be in. I had an ex sister-in-law that wanted to go into forensic psychology and tbh I believe she could not accurately assess people. I have heard other psychologists openly admit that they cant always make sense of some people to administer a diagnostic label. I think its dangerous practice - the business of handing out damaging diagnoses when they don't exist. We do know of many psychiatrists who are guilty of that too. I had a psychiatrist who wanted to give me another label because I did annual health detox and she saw it as having a type of psychiatric pathology.  I don't know what your legal rights apart from you asking for another opinion as you did but I've seen all kinds of dangerous practices. I had someone I knew on facebook being assessed by a psychologist and she was told she was narcissistic. I have seen her on you tube etc and she was a very empathetic person. It did not make sense. These psychologists are dangerous and their opinions can be a death knell.  If you had bipolar you would know. Its an incumbrance that dictates your life.  There was a documentary made many years ago by a journalist who sent either himself or a bunch of normally healthy people with no signs of mental illness to be admitted to a psychiatric institution to see if they would be labelled with a mental illness and sure enough they were all misdiagnosed - each one slapped with a mental illness even though there was nothing wrong with them whatsoever. I can't remember the name of the documentary but this business of mislabelling happens all the time. You need a skilled clinician who knows what they're doing. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I wish there was something more I could add except keep fighting for your rights @Danquest 

Re: Custody and NPD

Oh no they are my deceased wife's children from a previous marriage.

The biological father hasn't been much involved until now.

I have been the one teaching them maths, reading, discussing cultural differences,  taking them to France, abseiling, sky diving, long bush walks, survival course...

I was the one sleeping at hospital when they got injured and received surgery, or taking them to GPs as required and to the dentist  or discussing issues with teachers.

My wife had a job with top officials in the federal government so it was difficult for her to take time off then, and I happily did these tasks as I had flexibility with my own business...

Re: Custody and NPD

Thank you for your support and kind words.

I don't know if I have any rights here, not the biological parent...

But if the kids would like something, they are over 12 years of age, surely they should be able to make a choice!?

I'm concerned that they won't get what they want, on top of losing their mother already! 🥺😬🤷‍♂️

 

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance