15-06-2019 05:04 PM
I think I may be experiencing carer burnout. Not sure what to do about it cause I can't change the situation at home. I feel helpless and hopeless. I see my therapist on Monday, but I can't be bothered to go or talk really. I feel numb, like I just don't care, cynical and irritated by this world and there are moments where I am actually scared that I might do something desperate. I kind of feel like it's over, I'm done, whatever I was meant to do in this life has been done and I just want to die now and dying feels like going home. A few times the last few days I have thought of going to ER but hey, 🙄 I am too strong, high functioning, perfect, to do something so silly, so I just hold on and hope all this goes away. It's so weird, if someone asked me if I was a threat to myself, I couldn't answer, I don't know the answer to that. Not sure what to do. Better get dinner on, diabetes waits for no one.
15-06-2019 09:03 PM
15-06-2019 08:58 AM
Hey @Lemonjuice, we've moved this over to the Carer's forum for you. We're so sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time right now and want to check in to see if you are ok this morning. If you still feel this way, please visit your ER or give Lifeline a call on 13 11 14.
If you have managed to get through these feelings, are you able to write down how you are feeling (like you have here) onto a piece of paper so you can show your therapist? Sometimes writing things down is much easier than talking about it and it's important that your therapist knows what you are going through.
15-06-2019 10:16 AM - edited 17-06-2019 10:24 PM
@Ali11 I am ok with the thread being moved, I wasn't sure myself whether to put it here or in the other spot.
I am ok this morning. I have a day of chores ahead of me to get done for the week. I am going to make a Greek spinach pie later which I love. Wash clothes, clean my room, etc. I may be all over the place in my head but I seem to be functioning as if all is ok. Last night while I was getting ready for bed, I thought like in a dream state, I better go get some things to put in my bag for when the time comes. I opened my bedroom door, I couldn't remember why, then I remembered and I thought what the hell, don't be stupid and went to bed. What the heck is that? Dissociation, Carers burnout, Alzheimer's!!! How can you feel normal on one level and falling apart on another. One thing is for sure, I can't think about anything in my life, everything needs to be superficial, chores, talking and being around people, watching tv, etc. I'm ok, don't worry...this too shall pass.
16-06-2019 05:33 PM
My nephew came home. I cooked moussaka which is a lot of frying, so I opened the front door and blocked the entry with the screen door which has a tendency of getting stuck. Before he got through the door, he's already telling me what a f'n idiot I am. Then he goes into the kitchen to the fridge. I said to him, you got my message that you needed to buy your food tonight cause I made moussaka...he doesn't like it. Apparently he did, and after that, there were several more f'ns which I don't recall what for since I dissociate when it happens. He went off upstairs to his room now. I'm sitting here on the sofa and trying to think of a reason why I should not end things soon. And now, mum just walked past and reminded me that I must not forget to take out the garbage tonight. 😂😂😂 An 18 year old male who can lift 80kgs is laying in bed after swearing at me and after my cooking and cleaning today, my near 60 year old body has to take out the garbage. There's no reason to live, it's all bs! NO I am not going to suicide right now! I'm just p'd off because I keep being told that it's important to live but I can't see any reason why. I just want to scream!
16-06-2019 04:59 PM
I just saw my counsellor. She is worried about me and wanted me to get assessed by a psychiatrist. I can neither afford a psychiatrist, nor, am I going to hospital. The only thing I reluctantly agreed to was calling lifeline if things got worse. I'm not really going to do that, I am not one for conversations when I get this way. Writing here is about all I can cope with and even this freaks me out cause if I suicide, I can't have my family read this stuff. I don't have a plan exactly, I have what I need in my bag and if I decide to do it then ok and if I don't do it ok too. I am so numb that life and death kind of feel the same. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, I'm cooking now but hey, who knows two hours from now. I've been depressed before, suicidal, but this time its a bit different, this time I just don't care, it's almost surreal and funny. Maybe she is right that I ought to see a shrink for assessment.
17-06-2019 05:20 PM
I'm sorry to hear things are so tough at the moment. I can hear you don't really feel like talking at the moment, and it is really good you are reaching out in a way that works for you. I'm really worried about what you say about feeling like life and death feel the same. I'm sending you an email to check in, please keep an eye on your inbox.
17-06-2019 07:03 PM
your post resonated very strongly about how I felt about 20 years ago.
I did the same thing. I carried what I needed in a coat poacket and felt very detached from if I did or did not.
The good thing is that it is also the way I finally mastered quitting smoking. If I could not smoke even if I had them on me ... I was cured of the addiction ...
I was very messed up for about 12 years around that time, but the regularity and intensity of my si has significantly reduced.
I struggled to pay the gap for my pdoc and sometimes he reduces it and sometimes I pay it.
Just saying hello LJ
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