Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Whyohwhy]

My first ever post.  I really wanted to share this link - there are so many brilliant videos by this lady that are helping me so much.  My current partner has been in and out of my life for many years.  He was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few weeks after we reunited - I suspected he had it years ago so that came as no surprise.  He is a narcissist - these videos have really helped me see how I'm being manipulated.  I am working on myself to get strong and END IT!  

He has trouble doing a lot of things for a variety of reasons so I do them.  I thought I was being helpful - but I am just being used.  He seems clueless to the fact I am giving way, way more to the relationship than he does.  While initially he appreciated me 5 months later and I am planning my exit - hard to believe things could fall so far so quickly.  He now does not appreciate anything I do for him - if I ask him to acknowledge my efforts he says he did thank me - or makes some excuse.  I’ll leave it here for now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRytEgABFuo&list=PLcjFWuvIFFzJr5eXvb4rG_F-68lw4TK4T

[Shimmer]

Hi @Whyohwhy

Welcome to the Forums! Thank you for sharing what is going on for you 🙂

This relationship seems to have been really problematic for you over the years! It sounds like you are not happy with the manipulation and lack of reciprocity from your partner, understandably! It can be so hard when someone you care for does not appreciate your efforts.

It sounds like you are finding these videos helpful in better understanding what is going on with your partner, and you are keen to share them in case they can be useful for others in difficult relationships, that’s really thoughtful 🙂

One thing that I’d like to highlight is that Borderline Personality Disorder is not synonymous with narcissism, and that people with borderline or narcissistic presentations can still be in successful relationships – it depends on the individual person, and is not necessarily due to their mental health issues. You might be interested in getting involved in Topic Tuesday tonight, where we’ll be discussing “Myths about Borderline Personality Disorder”, to hear about others’ experiences with BPD and share more of your own.

So you have decided that you want to end the relationship, what do you think you need to do to “get strong” and be ready to do this?

Once again, welcome to the Forums, I look forward to “seeing” you around!

Shimmer 🙂

[Whyohwhy]

Thanks for the welcome Shimmer.

He has been in and out of my life for almost 2 decades.  Initially he was living a double life - lying - manipulating me – I found out and ended it.  After that I allowed him back into my life repeatedly over the years - only for him to then discard me and move onto another woman he had waiting in the wings.  After almost 4 years apart - I was extremely vulnerable - he swore he had changed (a mutual friend confirmed this) I allowed him back into my life - and then his chaotic life became mine.  We do not live together.

The videos have been a revelation - the love bombing - the rushing intimacy - the whirlwind romance - etc - as I watch each video it's as if she's describing exactly my relationship with him.  At the moment I am also working my way through the - Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook.  I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells years ago on the recommendation of the counsellor I was seeing after the last time he dumped me for another woman. 

He has been diagnosed with BPD and is being treated with mood stabilisers.  Initially he was manic and suicidal – aside from being vulnerable I felt I had to reach out because I was worried he would take his own life.  Yes I do need to get strong to end it - I can so identify with one thing in particular that this lady mentions - it is not so much the person the narcissist is attracted to it's their vulnerabilities.  What do I need to do to get strong - educate myself?  He made the mistake of withdrawing from me the thing that was my major attraction to him (reading between the lines I am sure you can guess what I mean) - the veil of illusion has been lifted.  He is so dependent on me though if I just leave he will lose it completely - he has pinned all his happiness on me - he has no idea who he really is.  He is in so many ways like a small child.  I cannot believe I got sucked in again – I did try to leave a few times earlier on - but after all the sobbing and pleading with me not to leave I didn’t.  H says I am his reason for living – it’s just manipulation..... 

I am definitely interested in Tuesday night’s forum but have no idea how to access it – it is an online thing isn’t it?

[Shimmer]

Wow @Whyohwhy, it sounds like you have been through so much for so long with this relationship! The suicidality and manipulation in particular sound incredibly difficult to deal with, how have you coped? You mentioned you were seeing a counsellor in the past, did you find this helpful and are you still in touch with them?

In the past you haven't been able to sort out whether he is trustworthy, but it seems like you feel you have a much more balanced perspective on what's going on now. I'm glad you have found some resources that you find really helpful in educating yourself - both Stop Walking on Eggshells and the videos - and it can be such a comfort to find out that others have experienced (and gotten through!) similar relationships.

The Forums are a great place to connect with others who have been through similar experiences too - the discussion tonight may be an especially good way for you to get in touch with such people! Yes it is an online thing, you can access it via this link between 7-9pm AEST 🙂

[Whyohwhy]

Thanks - that link took me to a page that had a big list of organisations on it - was that the right link?

[NikNik]

Hi @Whyohwhy
I think @Shimmer has logged off - so to answer your question, if you pick which organisation you signed up with, it will then take you to the thread where the discussion will happen tonight.
All the best.

[Whyohwhy]

OK I clicked on Sane and the Live Experience Forum opened 

BPD: Debunking the myths

Does something open up there when the time comes?  I see nothing to click on.

[NikNik]

Hi @Whyohwhy

The session will start at 7pm AEST. It will work just like this forum - where you hit 'reply' to respond to people and hit 'refresh' to see new posts from others come through.
Just like you have been here 🙂 It will just be a bit busier, with more people online and posting at the same time.

Does that make sense?

[Linmerc]

Hi Whyohwhy

I just wanted to thank you for posting the link to Narcissist Support. I am working through the red flag series and it certainly is an eye opener.

I have been down the same path as many women about lying, cheating and gambling and being abused both emotionally and financially. I have stayed to support him as a friend but not as a wife. I do not trust him and probably never will. His masks have been removed to reveal his double life.

I can relate to manipulation because the night we argued and I confronted him, I asked him to leave, he drove around recklessly for three hours. They were the longest three hours of my life, I was so worried for him but also for other motorists. I never want this to happen again. He also says that me and the kids are his reason for living. Is it the truth, maybe.

I do not know what will happen in the future, but for now, he is taking his medication, seeing his psychiatrist and attending a support group. We are a work in progress.

Again, thank you for posting the link and all the very best to you.
Stay strong
Linmerc

[Whyohwhy]

Thanks Linmerc and you're most welcome.  I have watched them all now so I'll go back and rewatch them soon.  

There are 2 other links I want to share - I'll do that as soon as I can find them.

I am also told I am his reason for getting up in the morning - and that I am the only good thing in his life.

Since I was last on here we have had both a psychiatrist and a psychologist appointment (I go wiht him) - and a long talk a few nights ago.  Back with an update later.