Lived Experience Forum

[TheVorticon]

@CheerBear I thought I might put this in here and take the risk of tagging you (I need an apprehensive smiley but this will have to do).

A few months ago, my psych said something that really hurt my feelings. We've discussed it a few times since then, and apparently he didn't mean to say it the way he did. What he meant to say is ok and I understand it. But I also believe that he really thinks the thing he accidentally said. When we've discussed it he has said otherwise, but I already believed the thing he accidentally said so of course I believe that over his backtracking.

While I understand why he would think the thing, I don't know how to stop feeling hurt by it being essentially confirmed. It was hard enough convincing myself beforehand that it was "possibly a distorted thought" whereas now - he literally said it.

It shouldn't matter if he thinks the thing, but it does matter to me for some reason and I don't know how to stop it from mattering.

(Not sure if robot-frustrated works here either but it's as good as any)

[CheerBear]

Hey @TheVorticon (with a quiet thanks for your tag and big respect for the apprehension there). Robot works well I think. It's kind of like my 'not sure what other face to use so this 😎 will have to do' one.

That seriously sucks with your psych. I can see how it's one thing to think it and then try and think your way our of it because it might be a distorted thought but another to actually hear it said from him 😏:face_with_rolling_eyes:

For what it's worth I can really struggle to let things my psych (and many people really) says go even when he tries to un-say them and I can imagine myself feeling hurt and having trouble getting out of that if that ⬆️ happened with me.

The relationship my psych and I have matters to me a lot. It matters what he thinks about things and it matters to me what he thinks about me. That feels uncomfortable to say because I like trying to live in an "I don't care what anyone thinks about me" world. But the tricky truth is that I really do care when it comes to some people.

You're clever and you know the way these things work (I sense), and if there was a way to stop things mattering I feel like you'd be able to do that (and then you could share that with us and fix so many of our 'this matters' issues!). Perhaps it's more helpful right now to work on accepting that this matters and that it's OK that it does even when you don't think it should.

You mentioned that you've discussed it since and I imagine those discussions have been about what he meant by what he said (I could be wrong there though). I'm wondering whether you've also discussed how it matters but you don't think it should?

I'm not expecting any of this to be helpful for you. I hear you and am listening though. It would be hard to be wrestling with that and would add even more to what's already a tricky relationship.

[TheVorticon]

He managed to do another thing (or really not-do another thing) that I discovered after posting, which reinforces my belief in the thing. I don't know how I can justify continuing to see him when my biggest takeaway seems to be pain and upset.

I wish I could just cancel my next session and never think about him again.  The same way he would never think about me again if I cancelled. 

@CheerBear he seemed to agree when I mentioned that it shouldn't matter to me. So I dunno. 

[jamesle2015]

@TheVorticon  On Wednesday afternoon that annoying customer went through the manager. I was helping another customer - female as well - let's call her customer b. This customer b called out loudly to her - asking her what she was laughing at. Then 'annoying' told her b she wasn't laughing at b. Then b said something offensive to her. When b left the shop she told the manager b had a 'mental problem'.

Strange isn't it - the other day she was annoying me then on Wednesday she gets

to experience what it's like when people are annoying....

I get a couple of days off from this workplace - I work somewhere else as well ..

the customers at the other place are much more 'normal' 🙂

[TheVorticon]

I have felt really bad since discovering the thing that reinforces the thing. Starting to crawl out of the hole today but it's been tough. Good thing it's just been a feeling-hole and not an action-hole. Almost emailed psych to tell him what a mess this has been, but he's the source of the mess and doing that would just make it messier. 😕 😞 Appointment with him later this week, and I wish it were sooner but also never.

[TheVorticon]

Uggggggggghhhhh I totally screwed up a thing and I know the size of the screwup is hugely magnified in my head compared to reality but because it's to do with my psych it's like extra magnified. 😞 

[Maggie]

@TheVorticon  💙💙💙

[TheVorticon]

I thought I was ok with my 'diagnosis situation'. Today I am really not ok with it.

[CheerBear]

Hey @TheVorticon. When I read about your diagnosis situation I was wondering whether it wouldn't be OK with you at some stage. I think I would struggle with it.

How have the last few hours been? If you would like to share what it is about the situation you are not OK with, I am interested in hearing.

Today sounds like it was a tricky one. Sorry 🙁

[TheVorticon]

Yeah @CheerBear I didn't think there was much chance of it being ok as a permanent thing, but I was a bit optimistic that ok might last a bit longer. 😉

I've been really tense about it all day. I finally got properly "deep" in thinking about what the main problem is:
There are certain traits that are 100% unacceptable to me which are part of some disorders. I can tolerate some of them in other people (particularly if the underlying reason has been made evident) but if my psych sees those traits in me, then that is unacceptable and I deserve a lot of bad stuff for being that way. So 'not knowing but suspecting among many' means not knowing what he thinks of me (which is normal), but it narrows it down from an infinite pool of stuff he could think, to a finite pool which includes a bunch of things which are unacceptable. Making it a higher probability of unacceptable.

(As I mentioned, it is 100% true that I would beat myself up for certain negative things... Now those negative things are more likely to be true beat-up-for-able offenses.)