Lived Experience Forum

[BryanaCamp]

you are likeable and loveable @TheVorticon , everyone is, you deserve to be liked and loved, everyone does.

I have dysfuntional attachments and find friendships quite stressful... question loyalty, feel rejected, feel insecure, worrry I am needy. But my main strategy is to not have all my eggs in one basket. My closest friend has recently pulled away from me & become distant without any explanaiton. I asked her if I'd done anything to offend her & she replied no but then continued to cut off from me. It's pretty distressing. But I am trying to stay true to my strategy & went to a meetup on the weekend & met some new people, they were really cool so I'm glad I did it. 

I think the intensity with your therapist would be helped if you spread your feelings out amongst more attachments and friendship - try to make some new friends. At least that's what I have found helpful, it just gives me more options, more people to make me feel happy, I'm not just at the mercy of one person who I'm deeply attached to.

[CheerBear]

Hi @TheVorticon. This morning I found myself wondering whether what is going on for you is about/with your psych or more generally across the board and it seems you answered that above. Do you think that there's extra twistedness happening for you with your psych because of ideas and attitudes you were given in your younger life when it comes to mental health? I could be way off the mark here, but I have a sense that MH stuff might have been (possibly still is) quite taboo or tiptoed around in your family. I'm thinking that adding some of that to other beliefs about what it is you do and don't need, could be making all of this extra bigger and harder.

I am also thinking you struggle with a serious "should" beast too (the too here is because I do also). I feel shoulds quite intensely about so much and they drive a lot of the anger and frustration I experience at myself. I think my shoulds were planted in early childhood and then grew through all kinds of experiences across my life. They make it so difficult to accept or even entertain ideas like 'it's OK to ask for support' and 'it's OK to be needy'. I just wanted to acknowledge how tricky they can be to live with and how much of a barrier they can be to seeking support and even closeness with others.

I had a bit of a 'hearing you' giggle at your "bless him" comment. I read it like my "that's cute", which I have said to myself about eleventy million times around professional people during my support seeking journey :face_with_rolling_eyes:. I have a great relationship with my psych now but we have a long history behind us to get to have reached a point where it is helpful. I think working through and resolving challenging times like this one you're going through now, have helped strengthen our therapeutic relationship. That's not trying to put a positive spin on it but more me saying that I think it can be worth trying to work this stuff out and I think there's hope in it if you do. I too wish it was less complicated for you also though.

Hope however you're spending the day there is something good in it for you.

[TheVorticon]

Thanks @BryanaCamp and @CheerBear.

[Teej]

@TheVorticon I just wanted to let you know that the stuff I went through with this was definitely in the weird, definitely in the attachment/needy/ fear of abandonment and hugely in the shame box. For me it wasn’t just with therapists but it happened with a lecturer I really respected too and I think various other people throughout my life. I ended up in a huge mess with it. I became paranoid and the fear of abandonment became so huge and with that the shame. For me the fear of abandonment and stuff related to my psychologist became self fulfilling and ended with me having a pretty reasonable attempt on my life outside her office. I had tried to talk about my messed upness about it that session. 

I’m probably way off the mark for what you are going through but thought you were brave for starting this topic and I’m trying to return the brave. Take care. 

[TheVorticon]

That sounds so tough with your psychologist @Teej 😞 Especially after trying to talk about it. I have had thoughts along those lines sometimes and I definitely see that it must have been extra difficult after deliberately trying to sort out some of the mess and how it could've got way harder with that conversation.
Thank you for sharing the brave.

I might return to reply more to everyone here, but at the moment it's just a bit much to write and no neat way to put it (and some stuff, maybe the majority, that can't be "put").

[TheVorticon]

Just wanted to say sorry to hear about the situation with your friend @BryanaCamp. I hope that it ends up getting resolved, and it's good that you have other people to spend time with.

I don't think I'm meant to have proper friends. But even still, my weirdness is something I need to deal with myself and not inflict on others. 

There's not a good enough reason for me to be the way I am. I'm just too weak and sensitive and being a baby. People like me shouldn't be allowed to talk to anyone. 

[TheVorticon]

Thought in preparation for when I go back to see my psych I could write out a quick summary about what I've been thinking about related to this.
Way back down the rabbit hole to the self loathing wanting to tear my skin off. The one positive is that my behaviour now is just the slightest bit less disgusting than it used to be. That's all I've got to hold onto.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @TheVorticon 

So much of your posts on this thread resonate strongly with me.

except that last bit about nobody talking to you.

I use to double think and triple thunk everything thang thung ...

Yes close attachments can be very intense.  The therapuetic attachment especially intense becasue it is about ALL our stuff.

Part of it is in the managing of it and the authenticity of the counsellor.

I was so stuck on my first big 1 -1 psychiatrist for about 10 years.  It was not healthy but it was all I had ... then I did the @BryanaCamp  thing and diversified and took family to a family therapy place ... that really anchored me ... it was the better thing for me ..

I had studied a fair bit of theory at uni (1990)... but emotionally over invested in the pdoc dude ... no point beating myself about it ...now ... it did keep me alive ... through my most difficult years ... he also did not medicate me which I am grateful for ... then there is the gender and cross gender stuff ... that was how I detached myself from him ... cos he was very human and had his faults ...

[TheVorticon]

Thanks for sharing that @Appleblossom.

[TheVorticon]

I think I'm probably just lonely, but it's pathetic as all hell for me to be feeling that.