Lived Experience Forum

[Madrooster]

Hi All,

Please bear with me - this is my first time in a forum of this nature - and its taken me a long time to get this far - and a lot of suffering.

After many years of being the "rock" to family and friends - and manager of a successful business, it has all started to spiral downwards - to the point where I relly feel that the world would be better off without me in it. I could never suicide - I lost my best friend 5 years ago to it - and my daughter battles medicated depression daily and has attempted twice - if for no other reason I need to be here for her)

These thoughts have been building over about 2 years and have culminated with these strange thoughts when I see a motor accident and wonder if things would have been best if I was involved and didn't survive.

I sought help 6 months ago but the phycologist I saw was a joke - and massive waste of money.

I'm not seeking miracles but interested to know if there are others who feel the same way. I will gladly offer comments if and when I feel they would be useful to others who post on the site - and hope to be able to gather some perspective whilst offering support to others.

Cheers,

[Arjay]

@Madrooster

I'm not sure if your thoughts are common but I bet there are more people than you and me who have those types of thoughts.  My wife was really surprised when I told her I wish I could have swapped with a friend who had passed away.  In the last few years my depression has relapsed and I have sought treatment.  Fortunately I have found some good people to be on my team.  I think finding doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists etc that you are comfortable with can be quite a journey.  I've seen quite a few.  Hang in there and all the best with your journey.

Cheers

[utopia]

Hi @Madrooster. Well done on having the courage to post on this forum.
Suicidal thoughts, unfortunately can be common with those who suffer from a Mental Illness.
Having said that, it doesn't mean that you will always have these thoughts.
I know you tried seeing a psychologist in the past, and it wasn't successful. You really need to find one that you are comfortable with. A lot of us with MI have had to 'shop around' for the right psychologist for us. But once you get the right one - things will change.
My new psychologist and I work really well together. And he has helped me go from suicidal thoughts and depression and anxiety. To just having the slightest bit of anxiety left. And that's only six months of working together.
If you make an appointment to see your gp and explain your thoughts and mood - he/she will do a mental health plan - so you can then be referred to a psychologist under the medicare scheme - if finances are an issue.
If the suicidal thoughts become too intense - you may find going to hospital would be helpful. This is what I did in May this yeae.
You can also phone LifeLine at any time of the day or night and they will be there for you.
As will we on this forum site.
You are not alone. Although these thoughts can be frightening right now - they can go away with the right help.

[utopia]

Just wanted to check how you are doing today @Madrooster.
Have you made an appointment to see your gp yet?
Being able to reach out and ask for help can be hard - especially when you are the rock or the glue in the family. But you need to look after yourself first - otherwise you won't be able to help others.
Sending you my best thoughts.

[supernova]

Hi @Madrooster,

Welcome to the Forums and thanks for your post - we’re glad you found us and have had the courage to reach out for help here.

It sounds like you’ve really held the fort for a lot of people in your life, but perhaps haven’t had much of any opportunity to care for yourself, and this has worn you down over the years.

The thoughts you describe are not unusual for a person experiencing depression. Suicidal thoughts can take many forms and some are more “active” than others. It sounds as though you’re not really thinking about taking your life, but rather, that it would just be easier if you weren’t alive. This is a common type of suicidal thought, and one that a lot of people experiencing depression have. In fact, many people who are suicidal do not really want to die, but are not sure of any other to end their suffering. These thoughts are a cause for concern, as they can become more intense and frequent if left untreated.

You mentioned you sought support from a psychologist 6 months ago but found it largely unhelpful. Sadly, this too is quite common. A lot of people have to try a few times to find a psychologist that they find helpful. Just as with any other medical practitioner, there is a wide variety of personalities and approaches, and everybody has different ways they prefer to work and interact. You are the best judge in these circumstances, so if you find you are not feeling helped by a particular practitioner, you should shop around until you feel comfortable. As I said, sometimes it takes a couple of goes, but I’d encourage you to keep trying.

You could also consider medication treatment as well if this is appropriate, as this can be helpful if you are experiencing depression, and can be effective when combined with therapy as well. You can chat to your GP about medications if you would like to find out more about the options.

You’re certainly not alone in how you’re feeling at the moment, and we’re glad to hear you’re looking to find some support and also looking to provide support to others as well. You’ve definitely come to the right place!

Look forward to hearing from you soon!

All the best,
supernova.

[Madrooster]

Thanks for the support people! I have made an appointment with my GP for another referral to a phycologist - will try another and see if they might be more relevant than the first - your info about the need to look around for the right provider has helped. Will keep you posted

[utopia]

@Madrooster. That's brilliant news. Well done for taking this next step towards healing.
I hope the psychologist that you and your gp find - is the perfect or right fit for you.
Wishing you all the best.

[Bridgetjones]

Hi @Madrooster. What you are experiencing is definately part of depression. Ive experienced similar thoughts when hearing people have died- I think that should be me. I find it disturbing to think such thoughts and this is the first time Ive expressed these thoughts. So I feel this type of thinking when depressed would be quite common.
Best wishes