Something’s not right
hey @Uggbootdiva
I can totally relate. I have spent the better part of these "holidays" trying to keep the lid on my own anger and despair. Incredibly irritable and easily wound up - and yes it is easy to hate oneself for feeling this way for "no reason". You mean none that seems good enoug, or no apparent good reason.
From a compassionate point of view (oh so much easier to practice with others than oneself - I include me in this!). I could suggest that living with bipolar (no matter how rosy or not the rest of life is) is pretty rough going a lot of the time, and any stress makes it harder; it is school holidays and although the sound of kids playing and laughing can be lovely it can also add to the irritablitly - much worse if they end up bickering, or complaining about being bored (favourite answer: "it's good for your imagination, make up a game or activity"). I really don't think school holidays are fun for us any more than the "festive" season is to be frank. I make no bones about doing my best to survive - without strangling my kids, or telling them I'd like to (nearly as bad).
I hear you about the sense you are frightening your kids, it is an awful reality to face (I know, been there!) - but you have both the integrity to notice and honesty to say so. And you are teaching them some not so healthy ways to deal with emotions. If you are managing not to hit them or yell abuse at them then cut yourself a little slack please. Seeing these things and acknowledging that you aren't ok about them is the first step to noticing when you're doing this, then as you're about to, then before you do, then choosing to something different. I also suggest that there is a bigger picture here you need to keep in mind, as you are learning to deal with this differently you will also teach them. Perhaps you might feel better about yourself if you start by talking with them and apologising gently?
Do you know what specifically is making you so boiling angry? Is it because life is hard? It is a reality my friend. Only those who pretend to be "normal" and buy into the media/marketing sell-job that life is meant to be or is easy. It hurts to really live, and the more consciously you try to live the more it hurts in my experience. Up to a point, because slowly things start to shift - they are not rosy all the time but there are glimmers of grace in small things I would never have noticed when I was chasing normal.
I have a beautiful friend who I reckon must be about the most loving patient person I know - and you know what she told me she had to do when her kids were younger (they're all adults now)? When she felt like she was going to lose it she'd go and hide out under the clothes line until she calmed down.
At the moment I am trying to train myself to always look my little girl in the eye when she comes to talk to me, and to give her a kiss or a cuddle or some small gesture of affection. It is hard work, it runs totally counter to how I was raised - mum always told us to leave her alone - and I never bonded with my youngest like the other two - for all sorts of reasons. So this is a big hard step, made in the midst of struggling with a heap of crap. But I want to help her, she has PTSD too, and I want to strengthen my relationship with her. So I keep working at it. I am nowhere near as far along in this as I wanted to be when I decided to work on it 18 months ago. But I am making small steps and I have to notice them or else I will despair of changing this.
The nature of change is that it is hard, and until we "get it" oft continues to be slow progress. One of the most important things is to notice when we shift from it being hard to easy, not to dismiss it. We need to give ourselves that internal pat on the back - "I did it", because recognising our own progress reinforces that we can do it, even though it is hard.
Sorry if this isn't what you were hoping for. Another thought is have you had any enjoyable adult company for yourself at all over the holidays? I found that was one of the things sending me stir crazy.
Take care of you my friend
, and keep in touch. Come and blurt on the forum when you feel like spitting the dummy if it helps 🙂 (easier said than done I know)
In the midst of sh*t (and feeling like it) hope for change still endures.
Kindest regards,
Kristin
Thanks everyone. Just felt good to share it all on this forum. thanks for being here. Really.
@baboo - I am bipolar 2 so it's probably all part of that. thanks so much for your kind words and obvious concern despite my petty problems.
@Alessandra1992@kristinthanks guys - so nice to share with this forum.
It's embarrassing though, I have heaps of time to myself so it's not really that! I do often feel very out of place on this forum. Everyone is struggling with so much on top of the MI. Violent partners, divorces, homelessness, unemployment , difficult family that don't understand, drug addiction, that I do feel very petty having any probs at all.
I think for me, the amount of decisions that have to be made in holidays send me over the edge. My youngest is particularly anxious and constantly telling me what the time is, or asking what are we doing, what can I eat, when are doing that, should i do this? etc. I finally started packing her a lunch box and saying that is your food for today. at least that stopped some questions! the problem is I hate overscheduling our days it makes me very anxious if I have to do that.It makes her anxious if I don't.
I even told my lovely children that I hate being a parent. I love them to bits, but I hate being a parent as I sat and cried on the floor. (it was prompted by a particularly difficult (for us) autistic spectrum episode from the youngest and a whole pile of disappointing experiences the eldest just had but still...parenting FAIL). I always apologise and they are lovely and forgiving, but it feels like an abusive partner who constantly is sorry and promises never to do it again, but keeps doing it. How long till they call me out and say "mum if you were sorry you would stop doing it"?
It's just that classic where do I end and the illness begins? how much of the f u k p is my fault for lack of self-control? I'm getting psychiatric help, I take my meds. I am trying to hold up my end of responsibility but...it's times like these the whole "they would be better off without me" thoughts creep in which can lead to darker thoughts of course. But back to school in 5 days and I can pretend I have the illusion of control again.
omg just told "f.. k ..p is a bad word and I need to clean it up. SERIOUSLY????
