Lived Experience Forum

[Chris]

I wonder what I have done to deserve this, when all I did was care. My son posted  a picture on Facebook that we (husband and I ) felt was inappropriate.I prefer not to say what it was(nothing sexual) so I posted a private note to saying I though it would be a good idea to take it down. Shortly after my daughter in law answered with a full tirade of how we had upset Paul and totally spoilt their day.She ranted on with some other stuff.Anyway I sent another private post and apologise for upsetting them and said were are old fogies that possibly don't understand how facebook works, and again apologised.My husband came in and as I was about to show him the posts they disappeared.Now i"m not sure if she has blocked us off altogether.

We did this out of concern, but I feel that we are the worse in the world. It breaks my heart to think that this could be an ongoing situation. I already feel like I've lost my son, and its breaking my heart.I understand their upset, but I feel like they have overreacted.I really don't know what will happen next.

[Alessandra1992]

@Chris..sometimes whatever we suggest to our children will fall on deaf ears..and as an adult child to my parents, I definitely often ignore some of their comments..not out of spite, more out of "aha, yrp, yes, aha, yes, I will think about it".
Not always, especially not when I am asking advice but, when I get a bit of lecturing about how " in my day.." Well I do what my kids do to me, I turn off..
In a nutshell, I think whilst you may have made a completely wise observation or suggestion, it is the fact it came from you, as parents that it has been ignored.
Wait and see, perhaps other friends will also suggest he remove the post, OR, he might decide Facebook is not the place to be friends with parents.. That's OK, you can still email and he can send pics via email rather than Facebook..
Let time pass..and in a couple of days or weeks maybe call him..
Take care 🙂

[NikNik]

Oh @Chris , I feel for you.
Has there been any developments with this since you posted? I think letting some time pass, as @Alessandra1992 said, will be helpful.

Something I have noticed (especially being around online communities) is that tone of voice and non verbal cues are missing from text only communication, so it's up to the receiver to fill in the missing pieces - which could end up anywhere.

One time I sent an email ALL IN CAPITALS, which I thought would show my enthusiasm and excitement about something. I was so wrong. I was told to 'stop yelling'. Eek! I had no idea that was the message I was sending just by using caps.

I completely empathize with you. I hope things have improved.

[ivana]

To be honest,and others may disagree,but if your sons an adult then it's generally up to him to post what he wants on Facebook-good or bad.

It's hard to say without knowing what it was he posted though.
If the post involved you or your husband or your photos then you have a "right" to complain about the post.
If not,then it's best to let adults be adults and just focus on a harmonious relationship with him.

[Chris]

My son took down that photo late Saturday night and replaced it with a more appropriate one. He rang my husband on Wednesday night, just general things. Toward the end of the conversation my husband brought up about the picture and why he said he should remove it. Paul just said he was very disappointed that he saw it that way. He never asked to talk to me,so I just feel he is still very upset with me.I feel very rejected.I feel I have lost him. It hurts a great deal. I am not going to contact him. I think more time needs to pass for both of us.This is like my worst nightmare, being estranged from my children. Its like his died.

[Chris]

Ivana

  I am not in the habit of interfering in the lives of my children, telling them what they should and should not do.This was an exceptional circumstance. The image were we saw was very confronting, and we both felt compelled to say something. Yes he can do as he likes. It doesn't change  the fact we are his parent and will be till the day we die. You don't stop being a parent because they leave home and get married.We are their for all four children no matter what.At the end of the day, this was an act of loving concern for our son, which we have explained to him.

Quit frankly I find your comment offensive

[Alessandra1992]

@Chris, I don't think Ivana was trying to offend you..@Ivana emphasised building harmonious relationships..so it may be very sensible to not bring up the FB episode with your son in the future. He probably assumes your hubby will have reported back to you about their conversation so you know its been removed and he knows why you and your hubby was so concerned..you're a great mum and granny, maybe Paul can't talk to you just yet...

[Chris]

subject closed

[ivana]

Sorry Chris if you were offended,that wasn't my intent.
What I was trying to say is that it's important for parents and adult children to have healthy boundaries because that way situations that could potentially cause "yucky" and divisive feelings such as anger,hurt,rejection etc can be avoided.

When an "adult child" posts something on FB for example that really distressed the parent-just say for example they posted "dark" poems about depression and suicide-then another way might be for the parent to ask them generally how their life's going etc instead of directly addressing their FB posts or asking them to change them.
Sorry,if this scenario doesn't parallel yours,it's hard to state a "fitting" example without knowing the situation/picture content.

Over the internet it's also easy for things to be misinterpreted because we can't hear people's tone of voice etc.
I hope things work out ok with your son:)