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Something’s not right

MrsWho
Casual Contributor

21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

First post - Just a bit of a vent.... but also wondering if others have found useful support groups in WA for families of depressed people?

 

I am so weary of the cycle my husband goes through, from being reasonably okay on meds until some stress builds up, to diving into depressive moods and all that goes along with that to finally exploding all his despair and lack of optimism that anything will get better onto me.     Tired of nothing changing, of him not taking steps to look after himself properly (sleep, exercise etc), of his self-absorbtion, of him them feeling better after his "explosion" while I feel emotionally wounded.  Also tired of the kids having to see him like this, excusing his behaviour by saying "He can't help it" and thinking it's okay to be moody and angry.  Latest explosion happened on our wedding anniversary.

 

Feel like something has to change - and if it isn't him, then it has to be me.  Feel like I need some space to think clearly about what needs to happen for our family to move forward, don't know how to go about it with kids, work and other responsibilities....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 REPLIES 10

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Hi @MrsWho 

Welcome to SANE Forums! 21 years of living with a depression sufferer sounds trying. I'm glad that you've posted on here to vent. Sometime writing down your feelings can be helpful. 

I think @Alessandra1992 can point out some support groups. I understand that she attends GROW meetings. Also, @Dax_dog  wrote a post tonight about some courses that ARAFMI.

You might also find this thread, 'Wives caring for husbands' started by @zipper helpful. In this thread @Tatsinda @lucky @cheersquad @MrsC talk about some of the challenges that they face with their husbands.  I wonder if they are able to point out any service or support groups?

 

Again, welcome to Forums. 

CB

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Hi Mrs Who

Please vent away, I know how sometimes that's all you want to do and you want someone to be on your side.  Well we are on here and we are on your side ...

Yep, it's rotten but you know what, you are doing a great job!  Yes, it's not easy, it's tough, it is hard to be all things to all people, it's rotten to be where you are.  But it is great you have come to these forums because you aren't alone and believe it or not, we have the same so&so husbands too!

One piece of advice is to be your own advocate.  Seek out help for you and your family. Do what is best for YOU and your kids. Not necessarily your husband. If you cant physically go somewhere, search online or there are some facebook groups. 

Also, is your husband under psych care? If so, either go with him or even maybe change doctors, and tell the doctor how it is (no sugar coating) and it is no good for anyone to go on living like this.  Take charge, this is affecting YOUR life, and it needs to stop.  Even a brief hospitalisation to get meds right might be in order.  This gives everyone a break.  If he is reluctant, get the doctor on side.  

Sorry, if Im a bit upfront but I too am in your shoes, and I am sick of wives being expected to just carry the load

zz

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Hi MrsWho,

What great advice zipper has given.

In addition to the above do you have your own counsellor or someone around you understands mental health to talk to. I find that friends and family are good to talk to people who really get it are useful. Re time to think I agree space is so important. Can you take some sick days from work and go away from your home environment. Even better have someone look after kids for a night. If your husband is OK ish maybe he should do it with a bit of help. (Not sure how old kids are) If not possible even just a day to yourself in a safe place that you can relax. Don't focus on all solutions just give yourself time. Ie read a magazine in a park. Have a coffee by yourself etc etc. ... 18mths ago I went away for 4 days to work out what I wanted. It made both my husband and I realize things were worth fighting for and he has been much better considering me and has really worked on his health.

Keep venting away and using forums we are here to help each other.
Cheersquad

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Thanks for the reply and for all your suggestions ... I really appreciate hearing from someone in a similar situation. It is hard and lonely at times and I realise I need to do better at doing what is best for me and the kids. I am also ready to take some steps so I (or them) won't be emotionally bashed up again via a huge outpouring of anger and despair which he walks away from feeling better (having let it all out) and I feel awful.

And I will suggest we go to the Dr together as well. My husband hasn't ever been hospitalised (come close once) but this has gone on too long now and whether it's the disease on its own on whether he is partly using it as an excuse for bad behaviour and not making changes we need to move forward from this place.

Thank you, sister 😊

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Hi Mrs Who

I can really understand where you are coming from! My husband drinks every night after work and also suffers from chronic anxiety and depression (untreated). He lives a lot of his life in his OWN world of work and outside issues : politics, current affairs etc. It can be LONELY unless we wives learn to stop relying on emotionally- unavailable husbands (such as mine!). I walk most days and have developed a strong support group through my involvement in Al-Anon Family Groups (which supports the families and friends of problem-drinkers). I have also been blessed with 10 beautiful grandchildren who I try to keep in regular contact with. I have tried to change my husband (NOT possible!)  and explain how his neglectful behaviour affects me. He says he will TRY harder but it really doesn't make much difference! What I have found which seems to work is detaching from him (with courtesy and even love/compassion) and letting go of my expectations. So, we don't have the perfect marriage - but what is GOOD about it?  There are many things you can do to improve your life! I have found just a small change of attitude can help i.e finding things that I can be grateful for, rather than focussinig on the negative aspects of my life. Some of my Al-Anon friends write a "Gratitude List" using the alphabet. Writing (as well as exercise)  is a good way to "get it all out" if you are feeling frustrated!

Good luck Mrs Who! Keep in touch!

Lucky

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Love the gratitude list @lucky it's so important to celebrate what is good in our lives as well.

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Thanks so much cheersquad and lucky for all your encouragement and ideas. I really like the idea of a couple of days time out to really think about what I want. A gratitude list is also a great idea.

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Hi @cheersquad & @MrsWho 

 

@lucky  went and started a gratitude thread! Check it out & add to it here

 

🙂

Re: 21 years of living with a depression sufferer is taking it's toll

Hi @MrsWho , @cheersquad , @zipper & @lucky (again Smiley Happy)

 

Just a quick note to let you know that tomorrow night (20th) we are running a Topic Tuesday session about Respite

If any of you have questions about  how you can access or create your own respite OR want to share your tips and experience about taking respite, please join us.

It kicks off here at 7pm AEDT

 

Hope to see you there 🙂

Nik

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