Lived Experience Forum

[Diatriber79]

I gathered the nerve to put my first post up today & am very grateful that anyone responded. I'm writing this as since being in a bad depression [now easing] unexpectedly for the past few months, I've realised a few things. I have felt 'lowly depressed and highly anxious' basically, for most of my life but have concealed it fairly well which took up a lot of energy. Since unexpectedly having more time than usual I have slowly realised that the few 'friends' I thought I had, weren't really that. My self esteem either attracted or was attracted to fairly selfish or dominant people as that's what I was probably used to from my upbringing & amidst emotional abuse back then I was probably conditioned to be a people pleaser [or invisible] to survive. Also my anxiety didn't exactly make me a go-getter or a party animal in order to gather a large circle of friends so I should take responsibility for that. I guess I'm trying to say that I realise, finally, how important friendships seem to be & what they can do for you, & I'd like to think I deserve them but unbelievably in my mid 30's I have very very few. I want to put myself out there & want to believe it's never too late for friendships but I just don't know. My 2 recent attempts involved a woman using me to get me to join a skin care company [so naive I didn't see it & was later dropped when I didn't sign up] & GROW, which some would know brings mixed experiences [only 2 much older ladies there reading from partly religious texts & I ended up driving one home upon request!!!]. Does anyone have experiences of making friends later in life, as sometimes it seems that every single body on earth has a best friend & there is no room for anyone else? I hope this didn't seem lame or desperate, I'm not saying anyone email me your addresses for coffee just hoping for a bit of hope really. Thanks.

[LAM]

Thanks for your post Diatriber. You sound one brave person

People often seem to make really good friends doing voluntary work. I know the RSPCA have all sorts of volunteers for example.

I hope you have had a reasonably happy day today.

Take care, LAM

[Alessandra1992]

Welcome Diatriber,
It is hard to make friends as you get older because many people adopt Seinfeld's. Rule "I am over 30 and I am not hiring". Which was really funny to watch Seinfeld, but also really sad because many people do stop hiring. As well as volunteering which really is a great way to meet new people, sometimes a new hobby or interest can provide opportunities for friendship to unfold. For me, going to my neighbourhood house opened the door to my recovery.

[NikNik]

Hi Diatriber79.

It's never too late to make friends & your post is neither lame or desperate!

LAM made a good point about volunteering. When you meet people through volunteering, you already have at least 1 thing in common - the cause/organisation you're volunteering for. This can make conversations easier to start. I also believe volunteers are often open and compassionate people (sterotype maybe?), which can make it easier to connect.

I'm not sure where you are based, but there are websites you can use to find volunteering opportunities. GoVolunteer.com might be a good place to start.

There is also the option of joining an interest group. These things seem to be everywhere these days - and the interests that they cover range from "people with pugs" through to "Foodies",  "Hikers" and "IT Professionals" They seem to have a group for everything. These groups are geographically grouped. Anyone can create a group based on a common interest. Meet ups are organised - usually to talk about their interest or do activities related to their interest. Meetup.com is a good place to start.

Meeting new people can be daunting. Meeting people with a similar interest can make conversations easier to start and hopefully talking about a topic you're passionate about or know something about can help eleviate some of the anxiousness associated with those first conversations. Having something in common with someone is foundation of all great friendship!

I think something we all forget is when we meet someone new they often feel just as worried/nervous/anxious as we are and want friendship just as much as we do!

You probably know all of this Diatriber, but I hope it gives you the encouragement to take that big step.

[chemonro]

Book club, art groups, walking groups...? When I was very unwell one thing I did was join a church purely for the social connection....  Um, was that wrong? *doe eyes*

[BatGuano]

I joined a church because I was attracted to someone.  Neither worked out because I was asked to do some strange things.

[kenny66]

The RSPCA is a great choice but it can break your heart every day. I occassionally volunteer to nurse baby bats (puppies with wings) under supervision with the bottle feeding and cleaning.

My next door neighbour is a wildlife carer so she makes sure I do the right things. I meet a number of kindness to animal junkies there who I can socialise with, with the same interest.

WIRES is another good group for this. I am told my local library is a good place to meet uncomplicated people without an agenda at their coffee shop. The city airport is also all the time asking for volunteers as meet and greet people for overseas visitors coming off international flights.

If you are close to one maybe thats an avenue to explore. Online forums are good and I have met a couple of intersting people through the schizophrenia forum which is nice. Thats all I can think of at the moment.

[chemonro]

Definitely don't do strange things! Unless you really like them....  😉 

[Jake]

Hi BG,

I did exactly the same thing (joined a church [read cult] - not do strange things Lol!), never worked out though, the relationship or the church - nothing against churches, but this was one s.t..r...a....n.....g......e church! I ended up playing in their band, but had to eventually leave, as I could not follow all the goings on.

This song might give you an idea of what I mean:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIbcqgXh5-4&list=RDvIbcqgXh5-4#t=0

Regards, Jake

[BatGuano]

Thanks chemonro and jake.

Yep, the church was Christian Pentecostal.  The congregation claimed to be possessed by the Holy Ghost but they behaved like a cult.  Hateful, self-righteous, exclusive.

Most Christian churches have good people and good world-views.  But these people said that if I did meditation I'd be in league with the devil.

I'm Buddhist now, and still meditating, which does me a lot of good.