Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

have shut myself away,due to shame of mental illness,paranoia,unemployment!,fear of judgement,people invading my privacy asking me questions about my liife, basically being a failure at everything in life.I At the moment I'm in a storm,tired due to three busy days running around (I'm over Xmas),and feeling like I am feeling fluey,.When I get tired it triggers the anxiety and depression.I had a phone message tonight from a relation I think the world of but I can't ring back.He wanted to wish me a Merry Xmas.I have been distressed from it.I can't ring back because I don't feel like talking to anyone and feel ashamed and humiliated with myself. Can't handle  it.I wish I had the hope of some of you guys.

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

I hope you don't mind, but I moved your post to a new discussion - I think it would get lost in the other thread.

I'm sorry to read that you're not doing well tonight. It seems like you're going through so much - shame, paranoia and fear of judgement.. You have nothing to be ashamed of and I wish I could take those feeling away for you. 

It's lovely that your relative contacted you - I hope that gave you a little boost. Maybe you could text them back if you don't feel comfortable calling them. I'm sure they aren't expecting you to get back to them right away.

Are you able to get some sleep tonight?

[Former-Member]

Oh, @Former-Member, you are in the middle of the storm. Locking yourself away and battening down the hatches is an Ok thing to do. Nothing to be ashamed of. Your relative will understand. Take the pressure off yourself. I hope you can find the strength to do whatever it is that will help you to feel safe right where you are, remember that the storm always passes - we just have to weather it - and you have everything you need inside you to rise to the challenge and cope with these unbearable  emotions.

Please get safe, nurture yourself if you know how, and remind yourself that you are a beautiful sensitive soul. You can cope. You are not alone. You are precious and valuable and you will get through this. Whether it's a snuggle into the doona or a distraction watching tellie or whatever. Get so you feel safe.

and if you don't feel safe, call Lifeline and talk it through. May you be at peace. May you be free from harm. May your troubles be held in compassion. Hang on.

[Former-Member]

Nik Nik
It was nice to hear from him,but it has made me distressed because I haven't the nerve to ring back.I don't feel up to "covering up"know I would crack up.cant text,elderly relation, wouldn't be appropriate anyway.Did sleep ok,as stated had three busy days which feeds my illness.I do feel ashamed,I failed in every way,and this relation ,even though I love him once stated when he was a bit drunk that I was a joke when I was a child because I was overweight.It hurt when he said it.I love them but they are very judgemental lot to make themselves feel better.Im torn because he might not be around next year,and I don't want to regret not ringing back yet I don't want to put myself in the position of their comments because at the moment I am struggling.So HeavenlyQueen they don't understand.I fear any comments,the first thing they would ask is if I am working? .At times you do question whether you are protecting yourself or becoming self absorbed,self centred .I think but I'm not strong enough to put up with the hypocrisy of human nature.Thanks for support.

[Ellu]

Dear Li1,

I can identify with everythig you say. I have bi-polar disorder, and when I am very depressed I don't want to see anyone or do anything, I just want to curl up in a ball on my bed and not move.It is difficult when you have things you have to do (Christmas preparations for example) because you force yourself to keep going and end up totally exhausted. You don't feel up to interacting with other people, and as you say you shut yourself away.

All you can do is go into survival mode. Rid your life of eveything which is not absolutely necessary, and try to get plenty of rest.I  don't know whether or not you have told your family and friendsabout your illness- I suppose it depends on how you think they will take it. In the long run, it is a very positive thing to do.I have been "out" for decades, and now I find my family and friends incredibly supportive. It is up to you to judge when is a good time to tell them. But being supported by family and friends is incredibly enpowering.

You don't mention whether you are under the are of a health care professional (GP, counsellor, psychologist, psychiatrist). You don't have to deal with all this on your own, you know. It might be a big step to make that first call to the GP but there are so many people out there who can help you. It is probably too late now to get an appointment before Christmas, but I hope after Christmas you will reach out and get some professional help. You will kick yourself for not having done it years ago.

Don't feel you have to put on a big performace over Christmas. If someone asks you whether you are working just say "I am between jobs at the moment" and close the conversation at that. Ask other people questions about themselves - everyone likes talking a about himself, and that takes the pressure off you.

I really feel for you, especially at this awkward time of year.Make yourself a New Year resolution to get professional help next year.It can be your Christmas present to yourself.

I have had bi-polar disorder for 47 years,an d have somehow managed to whether the ups and downs.I wouldn't be able to do it without my great psychiatrist, I I hope you will also find someone to help you.

Best wishes

Ellu

[esprit]

I get it

[Former-Member]

Thanks for thoughts.As a long time contributor on this site I have stated I have spent 4 years on a mental health plan with a mental health nurse and a psychologist.I am spending Xmas on my own have done so for years ,not feeling particularly the best physically as well as psychologically.Counselling hasn't done much for me,loss faith in it through my experiences,and no, family don't understand.I have had a life where family has meant a lack of respect,and a lot of hurt and judgements which contributed greatly to my anxiety and depression.I live in a small town  and withdrew from people I know who are gossips.I don't have anyone I class as a friend anymore.I don't have the strength to deal with anyone at the moment who I feel threatens my mental well-being,but I know at the same time I am making more inner conflict for myself.I texted someone else who left a msg on my voicemail today due to me unable to handle it.I am shutting myself away but I feel I need this time to myself.My illness and unemployment make me so vulnerable to be criticised.I have to put up the wall.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, son understand where you're at. Do you t a lot myself, withdrawing is a very effective short tetm coping strategy. Its OK to cocoon ourselves, especially when the people are unkind and we are vulnerable & sensitive. Its self care BUT you know its not living or a good place to stay forever.

I spent the last two Christmases by myself crying. Being with my family is toxic too. My son wanted to be with his partners family. It hurt like hell. So now I don't even put a tree up. But I do stock up on library borrowed dvds and chrissy food (do you do that?). The important thing is to Be kind to yourself, your own best friend during these times. Keep posting here, you're not really alone 🙂

[Former-Member]

Yes Tawny
I have books,brought DVDs .I have spent many Xmas,s on my own ,this year has been a tough one.I have always seen it as a time for me.I just feel very tired,and had flu like symptoms.I have had many problems this year .I am one that needs the peace and find family stressful and toxic.At the moment trying to give myself relief from my troubles even if it's only for a short time.The distress (anxiety) I get hits me like a train.Hope you are having a good day.Sorry your son doesn't reflect on his relationship with you.