hello,
im new to forums but it was recommened to me as a way of gaining support. Anyway i was wondering if any of you had any advice or can relate i guess?
so when i was 12 i was diagnosed with anorexia and was hospitalised for it. It was really traumatizing being so young and in the inpatient program. Everybody else in there was at least 15, which to me, a 12 year old seemed as intimidating and as far away as a 20 year old so i felt really alone. The nurses would only let me see my mum for maybe two hours a day which was pretty terrifying as i felt like i had to face my eating disorder and the massive task of actually eating, all by myself. Mum hated it too but as a single mum of three and me having such a weak heart that it was at danger of stopping over night, it was the best option for weight restoration. I think one of the worst parts was hearing the boy next door (also in the eating disorder program) scream at the nurse who told him off for doing a situp that he was going to commit suicide.
Anyway once i got out of hospital i continued to struggle with eating and my weight relapsed. I faced quite abit of stigma at school which initially took me way by surprise because i had no idea anyone even knew. and why should they? my mental health is nothing to be ashamed of but is in no way anybody else's business, let alone gossip. I ended up changing high schools mainly because i had an extremely toxic relationship with these two girls who i just couldnt shake.
year 8 was a struggle for me as i had alot of anxiety about making it to school each day as there was this one girl who made me feel like trash. Looking back on it yes she was a nasty,passive person but i wouldnt have found her so terrifying if i hadnt been as sick and injured mentally i guess? anyway at the end of year eight/start of year nine i felt like i had finally made some great friends, particularly one girl who is my person, best friend, soul mate whatever shes incrediblbe and i love her. year nine i really really thrived and had made leaps and bounds in my recovery so woo!!
however at the end of year nine my younger sister (younger by one year) was diagnosed with atypical anorexia which broke my heart because i imagined that she was facing the same pain i had.
Her behaviours and lack of eating has since triggered my anorexia and i feel like i have completely relapsed in my thinking. Its been a bit over a year (im now going into year 11) and i am in a very bad state of mind. I'm still an ambitious person and i know what i want to acheive but being exposed to such negative influences has made all of the voices that much louder and powerful and i feel hopeless and so disgustingly fat. (theres this artwork by an instagramer called meandmyed.art that has a drawing of the "fat" translater wheel that i wish i could show you to better explain what i mean) I know whenever i say "i feel fat" i should figure out what feeling im really feeling e.g worried, upset, scared, but the itching on my skin is over whelming like the voices are continually referencing my body parts and how gross they are and how much weight i need to lose. My mum has decided to move me back to the high school i started at (so my three sisters and i can all go to school together) and that is reenforcing the idea that i need to lose weight like " i cant go back there fat" im also really anxious about facing the two girls who i was "friends" with. when i talk to my other friends who go there about how im feeling they tell me not to worry because they (the girls) are really quiet and dont talk to anyone outside their friend group who dont even sit where the majority of people are. however one of them has already reached out to me since finding out i was moving and i dont know if its completely irrational but it sparked alot of anxiety.
Anyway i was wondering if anyone had any advice on dealing with the move/ destructive thinking/ living with my sister and how i can recover while keeping our close relationship?
thank you x
