Lived Experience Forum

[depression101]

Just finished with my Councilor. I get so frustrated with not progressing. 

I seem trapped in a mind that knows the logic of what is said to me about trying to look forward to a future yet my "Circular" thinking keeps taking me back into knowing that its just a waste.

I keep feeling I cant get my feelings across. Im quite intelligent, that has got me into so much trouble in the past, not being able to relate to others. I always eem to be thinking 3 to 5 steps ahead of everyone I deal with. Now I have given up. It took me the loss of my marriage and the woman I loved so much, yet I ignored for the sake of the work I was doing.  She seemed to me to want me to be special at what I did and I took that to the extreme of making my life my work. Now Im burnt out and unable to face the thought of even being in an office with others. My great abilities have left me. Amazing that you can loose 30 years of knowledge just like that but it happened in a flash of the computer screen. One minute working through complex Budget work the next not knowing how to write basic addition formulas. I just broke down and cried.

Ive never been a social person. Unable to really mix with people. Not the "going to the pub for me". Now Im left alone. My reason for life was using my skills to help others, but whats left when you loose those skills.

I get asked what would I enjoy, and you know I cant think of anything. Things I used to enjoy were always linked to my marriage, doing them with my wife. Now if I try them I just feel alone.

So my circle goes on !!!! 

[TheVorticon]

Hi @depression101,

I'm sorry to hear how depression and major life changes have been sucking the enjoyment out of anything. With everything that's been going on it makes sense that you might be feeling alone, lost and disconnected from people.

Is there anything that you've tried to do so far to reconnect with people?

Stuff like hanging out with people on a group that interests you on meetup.com, or trying something at a community learning centre, or a bit of light volunteer work - could be something to get a little bit of interaction, but nothing too in-depth while you're getting back on your feet?

[depression101]

Appreciate your comments. However I must be really akward as again I cant seem to get over how much stresss tension, fear and so much more the thought even of meeting people has become to me. I know its irrational but its real to me.

I dont expect answers I just needed to say my innermost feelings in words in some forum.

I really hate these feelings and in some strange way its worse knowing that I have them and how irrational they are.

Ive tried going to library to see what is going on, but I couldnt force myself through the door. Just the thought of even going outside the house terrifies me. Meals are drive throughs so I dont have to be with others. Safety in my car.

Its so DARK!!!!

[TheVorticon]

It's cool @depression101, I don't think you're being awkward in pointing out that the suggestions just aren't going to be helpful. I sometimes feel similarly about having to spend time with other people.

It's good that you've tried heading out to the library, even if you didn't go inside. Just getting out and into your car can be a bit of an achievement when things are like that, so well done for that.

Keep writing it out mate. I hope things start to ease and brighten up for you soon.