Im sorry Im posting so much, it kinda helps to get this out and hopefully someone reads it and comments. I dont expect that there is an answer, a non-violent end to the bullshit. Ive posted bits and pieces and more in the heat of the moment. Im taking a step back and putting the whole thing to paper (as it were). Maybe there will be some form of closure or I dunno some release getting it all down and adding how I feel. I will say that I am seeking support where I can, I have a good GP, a good Psychologist and I am seeing a Psychiatrist tomorrow who is also good, unfortunately I cant see him on an ongoing basis and I have to work that out. Of course I utilise SANE chat and phone services as needed, I am going to be seeing a councillor via them as well. Im working to get onto another service provided by the Community Mental Health Team where I live, but I have to get a referral from my GP for this and so far there has been other issues priotitised in out appointments. So there are a few things in place, a few things to come into play.
My Mum has an aquired brain injury and is in heart failure. It isnt so uncommon that she is hospitalised with fluid on the lungs, while she denies it she doesnt keep to her fluid restriction. She doesnt come out of her room and demands that anything and everything she wants be brought to her. I dont really play that game as I dont believe her to be bed ridden. She can (has done so) come up to the kitchen, she has driven herself to the doctors and then gone grocery shopping and unpacked it to her room. She, as far as I can tell, is capable but not wanting too. My sister has a similar point of view and my Dad is coming around to it. He is the only one that attends to her wants when he gets home from work. We do look in to ensure she is safe and well, but I certainly have boundries up, which are often challenged and result in a fight.
My Dad has stage 4 non-hodkins lympoma, he is on a medication which causes his legs to swell and either he is itching them or they are swelling enough that they split. He has had to have stiches in his legs recently due to this. Dad is retiring at the end of the week, a couple years early. He cant deal with working and everything at home anymore. He works hard still, very much outside work (we are on 3 acres), he has always been that way. He is not very emotionally connected, things like mental health he cant comprehend.
My sister has a range of medical and mental issues. She has had a very difficult life, a story not mind to share and I only know bits and pieces. We are reasonably close. I will go into more detail later but I have spent the most part of he last 3 months caring for her and will continue to do so while she gets better.
I also have a range of medical and mental issues. Im in chronic pain due to a few spinal issues, the main one is set to be treated (hopefully) in about 10 days. They intend to do an ablasion of my SI Joints which should allow me to be pain free for a period of time (6-9months). I have bladder cancer which requires regular screening for new tumors which are then removed in a seperate surgery. I also have a few 'minor' issues which I take medication to manage.
On top of this I have a few mental health issues, Bipolar 2 with psychotic features, anxiety and depression. The psychotic features tend to be visual, audible and tactile hallucinations. The tactile hallucinations are the most difficult for me to cope with as they scare the shit out of me, while visual and audible more so frustrate me but with things like playing music etc I can manage them. Anxiety is a difficult one for me, I tend to be anxious most of the time with fluctuations in intencity. My hands shake constantly and quite aggressively, to combat this I am on the maximum dose of a medication yet given the right circumstances (which happen often) they will shake though not quite as aggressively.
I work, I enjoy my job and my employer is really good to me. I am on leave currently as I am having a hard time managing my mental health and dealing with the current situation. I would really like to just go to work, though mentally I couldnt and the current situation would impose itself on my job so I dont think it would be fair or appropriate for me to work at the moment.
3 months ago my sister was hospitalised with a stress related illness, her tremors in her legs got really bad and she couldnt walk straight and kept walking into things, walls, fridge etc. After a month she was discharged and we then went about trying to get her help for her mental health. She was (still is) selfharming, really intense suicidal ideation, confusion, couldnt remember anything and generally she was not in a good way. It took 5 attempts for her to be admitted to an ER for treatment. She was sent to a intemediate care centre, which in my opinion was not the best decision, she continued to selfharm there. Not long after getting there she was taken to a general hospital for medical attention. She was there for a few more weeks where she finally made it to the hospital we wanted her in for the past 2 months. She was there for a week and a half and discharged with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.
The whole time I would visit almost daily, if I wasnt visiting I was getting masses of text and phone calls. I was in touch with her doctors, researching different facilities etc. I would deal with the mood swings, the phone calls that was just yelling. I would deal with all the issues she had with doctors and nurses or the hospital in general. I would travel most of the time an hour each way, spend hours with her. Then I would get home and do my normal house keeping tasks, deal with my own affairs, my medical needs.
My finacial affairs are tragic. I take something like 17/18 different medications daily the cost of which really add up. I have some that I have to pay full price as they are not covered by the PBS (Australian Medication Scheme). I see a number of specialist and my I have to see my GP fortnightly as one of my pain medications can only be prescribed one fortnight at a time. I have a lot of procedures and surgeries due to my illnesses and for the most part there are significant gaps. My medical costs attribute around 40% of my income and Im not doing all the appointments I should be. I have been putting off sugery on my elbow for about 18 months because I cant afford the time off work. Then we add all the travel, drinks etc for my sister over 3 months. She has been helping but I dont think thats fair. Recently as I am not working my Dad put some money into my account. I have to see if he is going to do that again. I am hoping that I will get on to our income protection but there is a 42 day wait before they will pay anythig.
While my Sister was in hospital I was caring for her and it was incredibly difficult but there were doctors and nurses who were there when I wasnt, they knew the things to do, they were trained and equiped to deal with the situation. I on the other hand am not, but now she is in my care fulltime. I cant even go to bed without knowing that my Sister and Dad will have a fight. I know my Mum isnt going to come down and lend a hand and if she did it would be all about her and make matters worse. I have to keep the keys of the car on me because she nicks off in the car and she has no regard for her own safety. I am always on guard that somethings going to happen, if there is going to be a sudden mood change, if there is going to be an impulsive action. Im constantly picking up after her.
Ever since she got home she points out things that havent been done or could have been done, like I havent done enough, its like she only recognises the time I actually spent with her and while she knows Im hallucinating she cant seem to grasp the psychological and emotional impact this period has had on me.
I dont know what Im doing, I am completely out of my depth. I feel like I am failing her completely. I feel like if she has to return to the mental health facility that it is my fault because I wasnt there enough for her, I didnt have the answers she needed and I didnt get the supports she needs around her quick enough.
I sleep only on medication, I wake up a few times a night and just sit watching FB videos and smoking. I feel like at any moment I am going to break out in tears. I shake, like all the time. Im wildly frustrated. I feel like I am floating in space, all alone, responsible for an entire life. I feel so guilty because all I want to do is stop, be that get in a car and drive away or I have been having darker thoughts, not ones I would follow through on. I dont feel like Im enough, doing it right or the right person for the job. I hardly have a grip on my life, Im an ex-alcholic and I am really struggling not to relasp. My Sister was my support during the alcoholic stage, shes my support for my mental health, she is the one I go to when I dont know the answer and here I am being that for her and then some, making decisions about her care, calming her down and giving her advise. Who the hell am I to do any of that.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and there is no end in site. I dont know how I keep getting up each day and doing it again.
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