Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[His_Sister]

Hi
I apologise profusely if I'm posting in the wrong forum, just feeling a bit lost and new to this and trying to find a forum for families of suicide.
My brother recently took his own life, he was found two weeks ago. With the funeral over and us needing to clear out his apartment this weekend, thought it might be helpful to chat to some people who have been through this with loved ones and can offer support or suggestions on how to get through it. My mother and I are shattered by my brothers death. My brother had BPD and other mental illness' as well as addiction problems. I'm wishing I'd found this website and support for him before 😞
Thanks and so sorry again if I've posted where I shouldn't.
His Sister.

[Alessandra1992]

Plrasectry The Compassionate Friends. Thus is a peer support service for families who have lost family members, they are nationwide.
I think groups run monthly but there is a call line.
Also there are posts on grief, grieving that may help too..

[NikNik]

Hi @His_Sister 

Welcome to the Forums. I'm incredibly saddened to hear about your brother; condolences to you and your family.

It's great that you are reaching out to connect with others.

I have lost someone close to me by suicide. I still go through different phases of anger, saddness, frustration and sorrow. It's hard to say that as time goes on, things get 'easier', but the best way to put it is there are longer periods between the saddness, if that makes sense?

When I was at the same point in time as you, I felt waves of very strong emotion (anger, saddness, frustration and sorrow all wrapped up in one) and then just be numb. Sometimes I just felt like a robot stepping through the paces.

What really helped me was seeing a counsellor. I was at uni at the time, so I just went to the counsellor at uni. She was great. I'm a very practical person... so when she explained to me the 'typical' cycle of grief, it really helped me to label the emotions I was going through. It helped me realise that what I was going through was normal. It didn't lessen the greif, by any means, but it did help me go on, especially through the toughest times.

Now I'm at a point where I don't cry everytime that person is mentioned or pops up in my mind. I can remember the good stuff more and more as the years go by, & smile.

There are some really great services that you can surround yourself with:

• Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement
  1800 642 066
• 24-hour bereavement support
  Salvation Army Bereaved by Suicide Line
  1300 467 354
• SANE Helpline
  1800 18 SANE (7263)
• www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au
• www.grief.org.au

Like I said, it's really great that you're reaching out - keep on doing that and take on whatever works for you, even if it's only for the moment in time.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

NikNik

[His_Sister]

Thank you so much Sandy and NikNik, invaluable information here and I will be following it all up.

NikNik, I really appreciate you sharing your story and I am sorry for your loss. I'm a Gemini so a mix of emotional and practical, so it was great to hear how you have dealt with your loss. I'm mainly feeling numb mixed with a deep unmoving sadness that he actually did it and it's so final. I also have a young family, so that has prevented me from completely falling in a heap. At night time though it all hits me. I have amazing support from my husband, but as the days go by I'm thinking I might be ready to talk to someone that has either been through this or is a professional and can help me understand my grief process. I'm also worried about my mother, she internalises a lot and I can just see the heartbreak all over her face.

He battled his mental illness for years, so there is also a part of me that feels relief for him that the battle is over and I just pray he is at peace now.

I have no doubt tomorrow is going to be a really tough day clearing out his apartment and being in his space where he made and carried out his decision. To have these phone number gives me a bit of peace of mind to know that if I get home tomorrow night and feel the need to talk I can call them.

Thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and for passing on this info.

[NikNik]

Yeah - it's going to be a tough day. But I hope it brings back some fond memories.

Really glad you are armed with some options to help get you through.

Take care

[Simon011]

Hi @His_Sister,

I am so sorry to read of your brother's death. It is such a devastating thing to go through, and so it is a great relief to find that some support exists "out there". I have suffered the death of an older brother, and it changed my life pretty profoundly, in terms of values, relationships and interests. I really empathise with what you are saying about your grief hitting you at night - it just sneaks up.

Like @NikNik I would  recommend a counsellor. Sometimes you need to find a right "fit" and that can mean a bit of a search, interviewing a number of counsellors, etc. I had a counsellor who, while he had not experienced the death of a close family member, he had had a range of other life experiences that were full of painful "loss" - he just had an empathy and a patience I clicked with. He didn't seem centred on results - and thus didn't rush me. That, in itself, I found comforting. Given all the emotions I was going through, I found it really helpful to have someone who just listened and could reflect back and reflect upon what I was going through. 

I would also recommend peer support - and peer support groups. The Compassionate Friends has a siblings support group in Canterbury. Also, there is a bereaved through suicide support group (for parents, siblings and grandparents) that runs in Canterbury - http://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/support_group_details.htm

The organisation also has other groups running throughout Victoria. The thing I found really valuable with support groups was finding out that what I was going through was very normal. It was a great relief - I didn't feel alone.

I think grief is a hard road - so if there are things that bring you comfort, whether it be music, the outdoors, lovely scenery, a good book or movie, then I'd say embrace those things whenever you feel you can. It doesn't take the grief away, but it can offer some respite.

[Jo]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. All the suggestions here are excellent, especially joining a group of people who are going through the same grief process as you. Grief as a result of suicide by a loved one is different from the grief one experiences if a loved one dies through an accident or naturally or any other way. Very often when a loved family member takes their own life, those left behind battle unnecessary feelings of guilt such as 'I should have seen it coming. Maybe I could have prevented it' etc.After my 19 year old nephew took his life, I suffered a lot of guilt, as I was his carer. One thing I did that was therapeutic was to write him a letter after his funeral to tell him how much I had loved him and all the great things I admired about him.
I hope you find a good group and a compassionate counsellor very soon.  ❤️