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Antisocial
Casual Contributor

Scared for first born son, myself, lonely - diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder

Hard to know how to start without everything flooding out at once!!

 

Long history of mental health issues since my first born was only 6 years of age, started ADHD - severe, depression and anxiety, oppositional defiance disorder, then now aged 20 (21 in 3 weeks time) antisocial personality disorder.

 

No idea where to turn to, like so many stories I have read, I have lost all my friends, family live interstate, have seen psychologists for myself etc but nothing can help as nothing can stop the roller coaster, I just want to get off and breath for a bit. Am about to be homeless as I lost my health on the way and can no longer work, I need to leave my youngest, 18, to flat with friends as it is the only way I can keep him safe.

 

The outbursts, or meltdowns as I call them, are getting more frequent and more violent. He is physically and verbally abusive, intimidating, and threatening. I can't get a DVO on him as it would horrifically harm either him or me, or both, and because, he is my son whom I love with my whole being. He isn't the type to abide by one, but instead would inflame him. I honestly most days don't even want to be here as it is so much to bear, scared of when he will blow, scared of what he will do, scared I won't be able to play his mind games and stuff up and cause all hell, just scared. Scared for him, his lifestyle, his life after 2 very serious suicide attempts one which left him on a ventilator for 5 days (after police were talking about a DVO).

 

Hoping to connect with anyone else who has a loved one with antisocial personality disorder or some kind person who has this diagnosis and can help me understand what my son is going through.

 

Thank you for your time, and I hope we can all keep up our strength to be able to help those afflicted with mental health issues.

 

Have fun and keep safe.

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Scared for first born son, myself, lonely - diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder

Hi and I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. My adult son (24) has Borderline Personality disorder with a side of Antisocial and Histrionic personality Disorders. He is a dug addict and an alcoholic and terrifies me. This has been ongoing for over 7 years and I’m exhausted. He is no longer allowed to live with me nor even stay here overnight. My heart breaks, as yours would everyday but we need to stay strong for others and ourselves. 

They are adults, they have choices and need to make the right ones them selves. I cannot keep trying to change my son, I can only change what I am doing as the only control I have is over me. I am hoping off this Merry-Go-Round that is not even my ride. 

Report him. Do not live in fear. He will not learn to change his behaviour by seeking counselling etc unless he really has to. 

I feel for you and offer you hugs in this terrifying time. Protect yourself as that’s all the control you have in this situation xx 

 

Re: Scared for first born son, myself, lonely - diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder

Hi @Exhausted1 , thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, it is sincerely appreciated.

 

After reading, and rereading your posts, I can definitely see a loft of similarities of experiences, but even more so on what it has done to us. I too suffer from PTSD, and the minute my son even raises his voice, or I see that look in his eyes, I am straight back into the worst part of the nightmare that consumed us for 8/9 years straight. I too, believe I had a breakdown, as i just barely functioned during a long period, and honestly have no recollection of anything during those years, it is as though one day I was 44, the next day I was 50!!..

 

I get, like many others, so very angry at the mental health system as it totally failed us, and still does,  which leaves you at a loss of where to turn.

 

My son is also a drug addict. People seem to have the perception that dope is a "soft" drug with no consequence. I have friends that smoke dope, some occasionally, others regularly, but ultimately aren't addicted. The lengths he will go to if he doesn't have any are that of any addict with stealing, lies, stand over tactics, physical and verbal abuse etc. I am even at the point of cutting off all funds, as it only enables him to keep more money for his addiction.  For a couple of years I paid to keep him out of home, so my youngest could get through years 11 and 12. Then I  provided grocery only gift cards, then only helped with giving him food from our fridge/freezer etc. I feel I even have to cut this off, as one, I cant afford it, but secondly I know he can then use the money he saved in not buying food, for dope. Is such a hard one, as you want them to eat, and need them to eat, but again it only enables the other. 

 

He has had numerous run ins with the police as a juvenile and spent a couple of short stays in detention. Then under the  youth system, which is a joke. He would breach in excess of 30 times before they would even issue a formal warning (he needed 3 formal warnings before they would take him back to court). Now he has had a few lucky escapes before the courts as an adult, with now a large one pending. He now has some driving matters before the courts. One being his 4th charge of driving unlicensed and after numerous sermons by the magistrate as to jail time, I am scared that this will be a very real possibility this time. If he does end up being sentenced, it terrifies me for him. For all his tough bravado, he sincerely is just a little scared boy inside a mans body. The one part of me feels finally, consequences to his actions, the mother in me knows he won't cope in there and I don't  believe it will change him for the better, but make him forever lost.  Unfortunately due to the leniency of the youth system, he really doesnt believe any of the lectures etc, as he has been shown time and time again that they mean nothing. He also has a language disorder which one part of it means he is a "literal thinker", so he learns by what he can see, feel, touch etc, cant comprehend sarcasm and innuendos as an idea, so from what he has "seen" through the court system is you breach bail conditions, no one cares and there are no consequences,  you are told "this" will happen next time, but it doesn't.  So he sincerely feels he is invincible, and that jail will never happen. 

 

As to looking after ourselves, that has become so hard. As during the most severe times, I was scared to even shower, as during that time he would rifle through things and steal, or worse, start harassing and bullying my other son. When he was out of home he would regularly break in, so I became a virtual prisoner in my own home, as I couldn't leave. If I had an appointment to attend, I needed 2 people to help, 1 to babysit the house and 1 to take me as for a long time, and now every so often, I was unable to drive. I didnt even feel I could turn my back long enough to even poop lol!!! So I feel taking time for me, is pretty much impossible. 

 

As to the advice you gave, you wisdom definitely hit home. I understand I can only control what I am able to, not my son or his choices. I have held his hand through getting help, as I always promised him that he could return home if he was involved in counseling and trialing medications, but he had to be doing it for 6-12 months before I would consider it, not just a week like he felt was enough. Surprise surprise, he stuck at it for 6 months and things were going so well. The medication kept his temper under control, plus depression and anxiety.  However it was all a ruse to move back home. I honestly didn't think he could be that manipulative and self serving for so long, as he would never normally commit to anything longer than a few days, let alone 6 months. So I kept to my word and let him move back home on strict conditions . As soon as he moved back in, no more counseling, no more medication!! Obviously things didn't go well and I had to ask him to leave after he stole from me for dope, that was 2 weeks ago. There is always no contact at first as he is angry as it is all my fault. Then he comes crawling back saying unfelt sorry etc, then the asking for money, which turns into begging then the verbal and physical abuse all start again, and we are back to square one.

 

I am so sorry to hear your son quit the drug and alcohol program, and am so sorry to hear that you too, were about to be back to the beginning all over again. Mental health has totally decimated our family, my life and obviously my sons. So many people don't realise it is not only the person afflicted who suffers, but also their loved ones, to the point they end up feeling just as isolated, just as desperate, and the fear we live in on a day to day basis, is just all consuming.

 

I am just taking this "no contact time " to try to gather my thoughts, and strength to see where I go from here. A DVO is high on my priority list, it is just also making sure I am ready and strong enough to deal with the explosion that will definitely ensue.

 

Again, thank you for your kind words, your wake up call that it isn't my "ride", you have helped me not only felt heard and understood, but have helped me see things in a new light.

 

Thinking of you and your struggles xx

 

Re: Scared for first born son, myself, lonely - diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder

Hi, your post brought so many memories back, I really feel your pain and I hear your anger and frustration.

 

Why? Why do we have to care so much and live in so much pain. I watch other parents and think ‘God, I would love that simple life’. However it’s not to be. 

My eldest told me tonight that on his last bender, last week, that he called Life Line, after a self inflicted incident, and they called him an ambulance. Sadly my heart rate didn’t increase nor did I feel any worry. Years ago I would have flown into a complete panic and be calling and researching rehabs etc.

Not now. Do I believe this even happened?  Maybe..He lies so much now and has done things like this so often and also lied so often that im a bit numb to it. Do I love him - yes there are parts I do love but there are parts of him I despise and that’s the drug addict and alcoholic part. 

Like you this behaviour has been going on for so long that I’m traumatised. I cannot be around drunk people, I cannot handle a man yelling or raising his voice, I can’t be around people arguing- these situations cause my heart rate to go through the roof, I have trouble breathing, my stomach tightens into knots, I cannot swallow food and my bowels completely give way. 

Years of him screaming, self harming, being violent, keeping me up all night, and much more has psychologically affected me. 

I see a great therapist and Now I am stronger. Now I say no. Now I turn off my phone or block his calls when he is drunk or out of control. 

Now I am trying to assert control and it is slowly working. It’s hard work and I have to remind myself not to cave in.

I am not responsible for his actions and neither are you! They are adults, they make choices and they need to live with the consequences. I love the3 C’s.

I didn’t  cause it

I cannot change i

I cannot cure it. 

 

Be strong, what you have done previously hasn’t changed him. I know you love him, I really do but you need to love yourself too. Make changes for you. This is your life too. He is going to do what he is going to do wether you are alive or dead. So please live your life while you are alive because he’s living his how he wants to and is not worrying about you. 

I would give you a hug if I could. I sincerely wish you all the best xx

 

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