Skip to main content
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

UnknownPartner
New Contributor

Really struggling

Hi all,

 

Firstly, Thanks for having me here. I'm not much of a forum person, more a Facebook person but couldn't find any groups on Facebook for partners and families of people with DID. 

I'm really struggling with my partners DID. She really only discovered she had it in the past 6 months or so, but i'm really having a hard time with it.

I'm not sure exactly how to put it all in words on how I feel, but I guess unsafe, uneasy, scared, and lacking in trust in our relationship is a good start.

When I say "unsafe", I don't mean in the way that I feel like my partner would do anything to physically hurt me, but I feel unsafe as though her alters are just saying what needs to be said to keep the peace. It feels as though they're almost lying to me just to maintain the relationship, and that really makes me feel as though the relationship stability is unsafe, and makes me feel like I can't trust my partner to tell me the truth about affection. I know it's an extreme example, but it feels like a pathological liar who is lying just to keep themselves safe.

Let me throw some context in here. My partner has never done anything to make me distrust her. Our marriage has been great for a long time. I mean, we've been through alot and had some pretty tough events to work through with our relationship but it's survived and we've always came out the other side on top. There's never been anything though to make me distrust her in any way. Trust for me is a cornerstone of a relationship.

However, i'm struggling with this whole concept that her alters are just saying stuff to keep her safe, and they don't really mean it what they say. Whenever she calls me "hunni", touches me in an affectionate way, says she loves me, or anything like that, i doubt her now. I doubt the reality of it. She says she means it, but how do I know that it's not an alter just saying that too to keep the system safe. I know the problem here is me. I just don't know what to do, and it's driving me to endless amounts of tears and making me want to run away from it all.

I don't know what to do here. 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Really struggling

Hey @UnknownPartner 

 

I have no idea how that would feel but what i do know is that your partner would still be in there and she would be hoping that her feelings would be put 1st before the alters.  

 

If we reverse the scenario and yes, the alter is saying that to keep the peace, where do you think this is going and why does it concern you?  I guess from your post, i get the feeling that you fear an event will happen but I am not sure what that event is. 

 

It's good to know that you acknowledge that your feelings have been affected by this and I would encourage you to reach out and get some professional support of your own.  It sounds like a massive life-changing event and when this events happen, support for you own mental health can be really worth it. 

 

Does your partner let you go to any sessions and does she have someone who can bring the alter out so they can have a chat with them and ask them how they feel about you?

 

What do you think you need emotionally to get your relationship back to trusted, safe and stable again?

 

Have you seen this before?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0kLjsY4JlU

Encina is living with Dissociative Identity D, also known as, DID. In this video she explains what it's like to live with 11 personalities in this video. And she introduces us to one of her alters. Want access to 900+ videos like this one, live workshops, and more? Check out our membership options

Re: Really struggling

@UnknownPartner 

 

I have no experience of this, but I'm tagging someone who might have more insight on this from your wife's perspective

@Former-Member  

Re: Really struggling

Looking at what you've said and thinking of your partner as both a greater whole and a larger collective, I think this particular alter might be some kind of gate-keeper. My reasoning is, this alter being so reassuring may in a way be seeking to be reassured.

 

It feels a bit like you're both trying to protect each other while adapting to adaptions. There would be a very understandable sense of hesitation. I'm finding myself thinking about the rules of exposure therapy. Step at a time and positive reinforcement as you go.

 

Re: Really struggling

Baby Dragon is sage-like. I was also thinking of said dragon.

Re: Really struggling

@UnknownPartner 

 

Hey, 

 

Just wanted to check-in and see how you were doing?  Are you still around?

Re: Really struggling

hello and hugs @UnknownPartner , how are you going , we are here for you 

@AussieRecharger@wellwellwellnez@SJT63 

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance