Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sane74]

Hello,
I still can't believe I am finding myself on this forum. I'm at my wits end and I feel very alone.
My husband of two years had just recently been diagnosed with BPD. He had been in and out of various medical practitioners before I stumbled across the book 'stop walking on eggshells' it was like the book was written about him and our situation.
Life is crazy right now. He is erratic and on edge most of the time and for the rest of it he's in bed and I can't get any sense from him.
The thing is - I'm trained in the mental health field. I teach disabled adults. I can't work this one out though and it annoys and frustrates me.
I suppose just by being in touch with likeminded people who 'get' what I'm going through I hope to just get some advice. How do I cope without getting too stressed with the situation.
Thank you..

[KobeCat]

Regards

HI @Sane74

Welcome to the forums!!  It is great you have reached out and I hope this space can help you feel less alone as you manage such a stressful time for your family.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot, it can be overwhelming.

I know a lot of people on here are also supporting their partner in relation to their mental health issues. I am sure they will share their tips, advice and experiences and you will feel less alone. 

Welcome, 

Regards, 

KobeCAT

[Sane74]

Thank you I really appreciate your support. Reaching out has been emotionally huge and initially I thought I was a failure because I couldn't help him. In fact I was am worst enemy when his at his peak. I've been reading that I need to somehow not let his destructive behaviour not affect or change my boundaries or what's important to me. Easier said than done at times though.

[Determined]

Hi @Sane74

Welcome to the forum

You probably read my comments in the original thread so wont bore you with the details again but wanted to connect with you and am happy to help where I can where you have any specific questions. My wife (18 years) suffers from BPD and is at the moment going through a particularly rough time. 
I can understand your feelings of frustration and failure in not being able to help, I have often felt like a failure when things go badly for my wife, especially at the moment as my wife is currently in hospital after a meltdown and I feel I should (/could) have done more to prevent it.

The reality is though we can only be responsible for our own actions (or so everyone keeps telling me). This is still something I constantly struggle with though as I feel responsible for creating a safe environment that enables my wife to remain well.

I have found that how I react to a situation can effect the outcome, so what I am working on (with the assistance of counselling) is instead of being upset about how my wife is coping (or not) and trying to amend her behavior or fix things for her, to focus on how I am responding to the situation and my behaviour. (I have 18 years of bad habits to break here).  

The other thing that I have to work on is to understand sometimes my wife just needs me to listen to her problems and not necessarily provide a solution or fix things for her.

I also agree about what you said about the boundaries, definatly easier said than done.
This one is tricky as it can easily be interpreted as controlling behaviour. It is important however to be clear about what is acceptable behaviour. It is much easier to set boundaries early than regaining them later, something I am findind at the moment.

I hope I have been of some help. Please feel free to ask any specific questions that you may have.   

[Rockpool]

Hi @Sane74,

Welcome to the SANE Forums

Feeling at your wits end is very common and understandable given you feel as though you cant make much sense of your husband's mood/behaviour at the moment. It is good that you have joined the forum as talking to others who are experiencing something similar to you can make the experience feel less isolating.

If you are free on Tuesday night, I am holding a Topic Tuesday on having a loved one with BPD. You may find it helpful to join in and speak with other who 'get' your situation and can provide you with advice from their experience.

You can follow this link to Topic Tuesday: https://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/Topic-Tuesday-Having-a-loved-one-with-BPD-21-Feb-7pm-AEDT/m...

Hope you can join us on Tuesday and hope you find the forums helpful so you arent going through this alone.

[Sane74]

Thank you - I'd really benefit from that. The cycles here tend to hit a peak then the remorsefulness is just too much to watch. I get flowers, apologies, a spotless house and the kindest man. I need to learn to not be so angry and enjoy the 'highs' while they last. Reading back this sounds really critical and I don't mean it to sound like that. The frustrating thing with BPD is that I always find it hard to truly describe my sutuation.

[Sane74]

I've been reading 'stop walking on eggshells' and there's a huge emphasis on setting acceptable boundaries and having 'me' time. These are things which I'm hoping I will learn to do. I just feel so angry and bitter towards the whole thing right now.

[Secretfairy]

Hi Sane74
I am also trained into the field and don't let that stop you from reaching out.
Someone once told me that someone living with BPD are living in a spiral of out of controlness, a vortex, black hole. I'm wanting you to actually visualise that with your partner in the middle of it. All their problems swirling around them, with them flailing around trying to grab whatever/whoever they can to bring into their vortex so they don't have to deal with it alone.
Now here's the important part... You do not have the be dragged into it. Your boundry is that for your own self care you need to stay on the outside of that vortex. That is your responsibility - own it. Stay on the outside of it.
This does not mean you do not care, this does not mean your not being supportive. You are being strong and level headed and being the beacon of stability they can aim toward when they eventually get out of their spiral. They too need to take responsibility to ensure they can get the right support they need to help them improve their well being.
The moment you get dragged into that vortex, you will both be dragged down and may end up resenting each other.
I hope all that makes sense - of course this is just anecdotal of what helped me when working with someone with BPD. The visualisation made a lot of sense to me. You do not have to follow this advice.
Good luck

[Rose96]

Hi @Sane74,

It's really good you've found this forum!
My partner of 3 years has bpd. He is the sweetest person I know. Though he too is having a particularly hard time at the moment, so I completely understand the feeling of being alone and wanting advise.

I find it much easier to talk on here because I know there is no judgment. I've been struggling with balancing boundaries. At one point my partner thought that I didn't care because I wasn't asking enough questions. It's super hard to know how their interpretation of something can be completely different to yours. I now know I need to express myself better so he doesn't feel abandoned.

I sometimes feel angry about the whole situation and then guilty that I'm not being supportive.
My partner has always voiced that he's not a big fan of forums, so it took me a bit to actually join one and contribute. But he has been supportive of me wanting to talk to people who understand.
I keep struggling to find the right questions to ask and it frustrates me. But it is a relief to know that I'm not alone.

[Determined]

Hi @Rose96
Good to see your post 🙂
Trust things are better for you since your first post.
Good to see you on the forum, I know I have fou d it most helpful over the past 2 weeks.

Trust things are ok for you also @Sane74 and that the forum has been helpful for you.