Lived Experience Forum

[Paperdaisy]

"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed" -PANDA 💝

Perinatal mental health  is something that I’m really passionate about because I had varying degrees of antenatal and postnatal anxiety with both of my babies. It’s important to talk about this because there’s still so much stigma. I don’t know why we think we have to be OK when we’ve just gone through one of the biggest life changing events. I think there is a misconception that having perinatal anxiety and depression means you don’t love your baby. That’s not the case and it’s not something you can help, it just happens.

I did not cope well the first time around. It would take me all morning to muster up the courage to walk 3 doors down to get a coffee and many times I stepped out and turned right back around again, retreating to the safety of my home. I was so overwhelmed and anxious all the time. I practice attachment parenting, so every time my baby made the slightest cry I would jump out of my skin and pick him up, which probably just made him anxious. I would prepare all day to go to my parent’s group just so I could turn up all casually and seem like I was nailing it. I would go home and fall in an exhausted heap, and it would take me a week to recover, just in time for the next parents group. I’m still glad I went, because I actually did make lifelong friends who I’m now able to be much more honest with.

A lot happened privately and in the world between babies, so naturally when I was pregnant with number 2, I had antenatal anxiety and then in postpartum, developed a fear of being left alone and started checking locks more than one should. I had a lot more confidence the second time around to tell my nurse that I wasn’t feeling myself and she helped me make goals and take the steps I needed to take to feel better. To be honest, just saying things out loud made me feel better and helped a lot.

Things that have helped me

• Lower your standards… like really lower them… down…further… 😂
• Focus on the things you can control and set realistic goals for the day
• Don’t sweat the small stuff
• Sleep will change and that’s OK but try and rest when you can
• Get support from anywhere you can. Talk to your local family health nurse, midwife, GP, friends, family, partner
• Speak up about how you’re really feeling. It’s OK to not be OK. PANDA are great to chat to
• Practice mindfulness. Try and focus on the little things. Recite a mantra
• Attitude is a big one. You can be upset that you’re awake at 4am cause baby will only sleep on you, or you can see it as a magical time when the world is still quiet and watch your favourite tv show in peace!
• Lean on people who offer up their support
• Eat and drink water. It sounds obvious but there would be days I would forget to drink water

That’s just a little bit about my experience and everyone is different. I’m fortunate I was able to deal with my situation and recover pretty quickly but I don’t want to make light of a really serious issue. If you’re struggling call PANDA on 1300 726 306 or talk to your GP. There is lots of support available.

I’d love to hear from others who have had these experiences and I would like to make a point of saying Dad’s and non birth partners get perinatal anxiety and depression too. 

Paperdaisy🤰🤱👨🏻‍🍼👼🏼

[Paperdaisy]

Just tagging a few people who might be interested @frog @Anastasia @Determined @Shaz51 

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[Determined]

Thanks @Paperdaisy  for your story and the tag.

My wife (aka my darling) suffered with perinatal health issues for all 3 of our children. Worst of all our last. 

Although I remain convinced that particually with bub 1 the added stress uncovered a bigger problem that we were doing a good job at hiding. 

I remember with bub 1 being pulled aside by the midwives to tell me of their concerns.... ummm I don't understand your question, this is like normal behaviour for my darling, welcome.to my world 😕

(And I mean no disrespect is saying it like that). 

So for me a big thing was accepting that no everything was not ok.

And accepting help that was avaipable/ offered.

Don't remember much about bub 2 early days except mum in law carried a big load. I was hatching a breakdown of my own and coped by burying myself in work.

I was always being told 'don't tell me what to do with MY baby' so it was a case of fine, you sort him out. Basically came home to shower and sleep. Something I regret... a lot 🥺  I did not bond with S2 till 6 or 7 years old when I had  burnout health crisis and lost my job.

Fast forward 10 years and bub 3 arrived.

This was the worst for my darling. She had a major mental health crisis and spent on and off  ~4month in a mental health ward between 1 and 2 yo.

S3 was not left alone with darling foe the first 2 years at her request because she was scared 'something may happen to him'

He went everywhere with me for the first 2 years including unl classes and work. 

Work was unbelievably accommodating for me.  Unfortunately while Darling in hospital S1 & S2 were left with grandparents except to be picked up for bed while I drove 3 hours a day so bub could see his mum.

With the benefit of hindsight as a support person.

-Accept there is a problem, it is not helping to hide it and cover up/ make excuses.

-Accept help. Support from friends and family. It is not sustainable or healthy to do it alone.

-Find healthy outlets for coping not avoidance measures. Lost time is gone.

-Seek professional help for Mum and Dad or key support people. Get educated, get professional help. It is not failing to get help. It is equipping to survive. 

-Some.days survive is good enough. 

Just my thoughts in the hope someone may find benefit in it.

I am not proud of how I managed and with the benefit of hindsight I would do it different but there is no benefit on dwelling on the plast. Look forward and try to help others not make the same errors. 

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi @Paperdaisy,

When I found out that I was pregnant (after being told for many years that I couldn't fall pregnant, dealing with endometriosis and polysistic ovaries syndrome), my ex partner (who was my first relationship) left me.  I was 38 years old alone in a different state from my family and well being a religious person pregnant out of wedlock.  I was dealing with heartbreak, stress as I didn't know how to financially support this child and well scared if my parents will accept my child.  

When I first met my midwife she connected me to a Counsellor and told them that I am experiencing pre-natal depression.  Then I had the hospital psychiatrist appointed to ensure I don't endanger myself.  The psychiatrist made me feel like I was a liar and wanted to talk to all my family members to make sure the things I said was true.  Then I went to the GP because the midwife told me too as I was experiencing swallon hands and feet really badly and the GP made me cry as she said I'm too fat and I need to stop gaining too much weight.  Mind you I was having bad morning sickness, vomiting at the smell of any food.. but because I'm too fat she did not believe me.  After all that I had a melt down and cried to the midwives..   I said I'm over going to doctors who makes me feel like I am doing it wrong.. I wanted to give up.

I had a really fantastic midwives team and they saw me through bad times.  I had scare of eclimpsia and other complications including 2 CODE Blue scares.  My parents came 1 week before my emergency labour which also was traumatic as I was put under and my heart stopped 4 times and lost lots of blood.  And due to me not waking up after 8 hours my child and I did not bond.

I am still struggling with the cesarean tissue damage where the doctors in the hospital wont treat. Also I couldn't heal mentally as my parents even though they are here to help me with my son was diagnosed with early onset Dementia and Alzheimer's.  So now I am caring for 3 children. 

I do have a Counsellor I talk to once a week but I am emotionally wrecked and tired and trying to keep everything together.  I didn't realise that I am nearly 42 years old, single mother caring for my parents, working and studying to be qualified at my current career choice.  Sometime I wish I wasn't ambitious and wanting to do more things.. stick to one career choice like everyone else.  Before this I could drop everything and go overseas and work/travel..  I would study when I was overseas and change careers.  Now I'm homebound and studying isn't that fun and I have to think about my family..

I think doctors and psychiatrist need to see how they treat pregnant women.  Some of them don't realise having a bad bed manner does affect us when we are so vulnerable with hormones.  

I hope this all makes sense.  I feel let down sometimes and I think today is the day I am a bit down.

Take care of yourselves and be kind to yourselves..  xx

[Shaz51]

Hello @Paperdaisy ,thank you for the tag 

hello @Determined 

For me I have  no and and can not have any children of my own 

I did private childcare in my own home for 25 years and loved looking after children from 5 weeks old until they were 14 years care for them for up to 10 hours per day and then you give them back to their parents 

was not until i got married and then I became a step mum to 4 children 

what a learning curve , totally different experience 

and with my Husband with Mental illness  and bipolar 2 which we found out later 

4 little  indivuals to love , I did lots of reading about being a step mum but it is not the same as living it , I did make some mistakes along the way 

1)  Had to change my attitude 

2)  be more flexible than i was 

3)  go with the flow 

4)   only thing i did not do was to "ask for help " which i still ask myself Why 

@greenpea, @Faith-and-Hope , @Snowie , @eth , @Mumof04 , @Mumof2 , @Mumslove , @Dadcaringalone , @Smc 

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @MIFANTCARER,

I am so sorry to hear what you went through during your pregnancy, and for the way you were treated. It's not okay how you were treated, and you deserved to be treated with compassion, kindness and support. You quote here is so true "I think doctors and psychiatrist need to see how they treat pregnant women.  Some of them don't realise having a bad bed manner does affect us when we are so vulnerable with hormones". I hope that you can feel in sharing your story today that others who are reading along might feel like they aren't alone, or that they can ask for the care they deserve. Your story has power. 

I am hearing that the impact of your pregnancy and the birth continue to sit on your shoulders, is this correct? Have you found that speaking with your counsellor about this has been a helpful step in recovery?

That feeling of exhaustion is understandable, you have lived through and are still carrying the impact of such a painful experience. I hope that you find others in this discussion who can be a support to you too. You are worthy of the love and support you need from peers and professionals to heal   

[MIFANTCARER]

@Daisydreamer 

Hi,

Yes I am working on my recovery with the Counsellor and I realised that I need to also do some work on my own.  I need to forgive myself and allow myself to accept the pain from the heartbreak. My mother keeps telling me to forget him but she doesnt realise that I was in love with him and I miss that companionship.  I feel cheated that he lied and all the times he lied about him wanting to set the future and that I believed it..  I saw the signs that he wasnt in it but I chose to ignore it and just wanted to be in the clouds because I really was in love with him.. goodness I have never said this out loud..

I know one thing I am going to do is start studying again and work on getting my certifications finish to open up my business.  I am going to give myself a break and not put too much pressure on myself.  I am seeking further Counselling to deal with my anxiety and depression.

XX

[Determined]

@MIFANTCARER  that is a lot to manage alone. I really feel for you. 

My darling has also had some disgraceful treatment from mental health 'profeasionals'  including demand she have her last pregnancy terminated. And trying to separate her from her closest and most reliable supports (her parents and myself). So yeah. 'Professionals' what a joke. 

I wish you the very best with your journey study, child rearing and caring for parents. 

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi @Determined 

Thank you for wishes.. I hope your well today.

xx

[Paperdaisy]

@Determined Thank you for being so honest with me and sharing your story. It must have been so hard to see someone you love go through that. Children certainly change the dynamics and it's really hard work but also the best thing I've ever done. Sometimes we just have to weather the storm and get through it as best we can. It sounds like you did your best and your wife is lucky to have you.