Lived Experience Forum

[Chris1969]

TW: Sexual content 

I've been married 29 years.  15 or so years ago my wife's boss, a speech pathologist, told my wife the reason I'm strange and don't fit in is that I am an aspie.  Despite having reasonable resources I've never been able to get an autism diagnosis but it seems probable

Through covid I lived with my dad interstate for a while, then came to live with my wife.  My wife moved out of the marital home 6 years ago to study nursing, which I had always encouraged.  I moved in with her for 6 months or so.  

At the start of 2021 she announced she couldn't bare to live with an autistic any longer and we had to separate.  Our whole marriage she's told me things like 'my friends ask me how I put up with you' and I assumed that losing her was dying alone.  For six months we went to marriage therapy and she would say she didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not

At one point my therapist insisted my wife wanted to leave me, if only I had someone else so she thought she could.  So I joined a dating site, met someone, and told my wife.  She was interstate, I told my wife before she flew down.  The night I met her, she was pushy about having sex and I told her I had to move slower, so she dumped me

A week later my wife and I went to a dinner night, and I told her in jest that I was so committed, I would live with it if she slept with someone else.  I meant it as a ridiculous thing to say, but she lit up and decided we were in an open marriage

Despite having already met someone, I still assumed I couldn't, and started on dating sites to show her that I accepted the situation, I wanted her to be happy.  I met about 20 ladies and had good communication with about 7, including about 4 I saw regularly.  One of those I had a disasterous one night stand.  Nevertheless, she and I started seeing each other every week, and I went to her house a few times.  She was pretty open she wanted sex with me but she respected my boundaries.  

My wife realised we were getting  close enough that sex was on the cards, so she closed the relationship but insisted she had a 'free pass' to have sex once.  I insisted on a cut off date

On the night of the last day, I went to a concert.  This lady was supposed to go but it was obvious she was planning sex so I took a friend.  She called at midnight, she had sex with a guy three times that day.  Which is not the once I agreed to.

I was devastated.  I've never cried so hard.  We agreed to try to stay together, but we did marriage therapy for a while and she put a stop to it.  It's been 8 months and basically I see her every two weeks for 2 days, provide 4 moments of sex, and a couple of restaurant meals and then I leave and she lives her happy single life.  I mostly sit at home, work, be alone and drink too much.  I know it's not working for me but I can't imagine life without her.  I do not know what to do.

My GP is going to line me up a therapist but I already have one.  All she does is ask me why I stay with my wife.  All my friends do the same.  I am not sure I need more of that

[wellwellwellnez]

That's an interesting story @Chris1969 . I think there's something to be said for emphasizing the amory side of polyamory experiences. (Which feels like a value statement, so I'd add that love is about loving the person rather than the idea of the person and yada yada.) (also, goes without saying but self/relational/social love are all love and are best when working together and yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada yada Diotima's ladder.)

I am wondering if you've considered things from an attachment theory point of view. (Particularly if there's a "cat and mouse" affect going on (which happens a lot but not always)). It's generally one of my favourite relational theories. Plus, I often think about the interrelation of attachment-styles and spectrum-positions. Plus plus, I haven't really considered attachment meets polyamory. It occurs to me there's much to consider.

[Chris1969]

The starting point here was that I'm very monogamous and not into casual sex.  Since my one encounter I feel a lot more confident but I've since had several ladies hit on me, some quite attractive but I am not interested in meaningless sex.  Whereas that is precisely what my wife wanted.

A big part for me is how far apart our values are since the changes she has gone through

I guess I should add that I know I am insecure and probably a bit codependent.  This was always true, it was just not an issue when things like this were not happening