Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I'm going to apologise in advance that this post will probably go in circles as that is how I often think😬.

I have thought quite deeply about posting this for a long time. One of the reasons for doing so is for any others who may be feeling so alone with this too. There seems very little support and information for it. I had desperately tried when first diagnosed to look for support but there is very little around specific to DPD.

Currently this label causes so much shame but it's not really just the label. I think because I always saw myself as a strong fairly independent person the reality that I matched many of these traits has shamed me to my core. My current diagnosis from a few psychiatrists is DPD with BPD traits, anxiety, dythsmia and probable adult ADD. My current therapist tends to see it as CPTSD with a mixed type personality disorder (meeting traits from a few personality disorders), depression and anxiety. She watched my personality come more disordered from the trauma a few years back. I guess it doesn't matter what the label is I know I'm a dysfunctional mess on most days.

Back to my elephant. When I'm with someone and they know about my elephant (DPD) she behaves herself (mostly my therapist and best friend) and I can grow and move on. When I'm in the room with someone who keeps treating my elephant as if she's bad (my mental health team frequently) she begins to fill the room until I begin to suffocate sometimes becoming suicidal. Sometimes I become paranoid about people finding out about my elephant and I let her take over and suffocate me, sometimes becoming suicidal. This is the other reason I have decided to disclose. On the forums I had been getting more and more paranoid that I'd show the traits and I was suffocating under it. This had nothing to do with anybody but me. So now my elephant is in the room here too and I'm hoping now that I've introduced her she'll behave😊.

Lastly for me DPD hasn't really shown its full colours until the last few years. Prior to that I've had a partner since I was about 16. The longest time without one is 4months. It's really common for someone with this to need to have to have a partner and really difficult to not have one. My goal is to be in control of me before I venture down that path again. I also don't meet the more common traits of not being able to chose clothes, or food or common things like that but decision making in general is something I struggle with, however I feel this is improving. I have huge issues with fear of criticism, rejection and abandonment. I am often very naive and fantasize frequently. There are many others too. Lastly the psychiatrists have said that DPD is the main reason I haven't worked since my first son was born nearly 22 years ago. This for me is a huge obstacle knowing I have to (and want to) enter the paid workforce again.

If anyone has any similar experiences please chime in. 😊💜

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

like you, i was diagnosed with a mixed personality disorder having both BPD and DPD traits, CPTSD and major depression. now my current psychiatrist has said i have BPD. i find the personality disorder stuff really hard also.. and feel so ashamed... because of the word personality i think. It feels so 'personal' and that i'm really truly just abnormal and what not... i havent spoken about this diagnosis either much and also found it hard to find much information about too. (particularly the DPD..) i do have problems with making choices and choosing things and cant put myself ahead of anyone if im with someone which i always thought was more of my anxiety stuff... i dont know.

So i can relate... and i'm hearing you.. and im glad you shared your elephant. hope she behaves for you now too.

lj

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member,

This is big, and I feel for you, and so proud of you for coming to terms with it & being brave enough to share this with us.

Please try not to feel shame. If the diagnoses are accurate, there are positive ways to manage them. Awareness is half the battle & a problem shared is a problem halved. I very much doubt anybody here on the forums would feel anything but empathy for you, with all our individual quirkiness & labels.

I actually had to look up & refresh my memory & learn a couple of things re these labels. Hope you don't mind me listing them here:

DPD
Dependent personality disorder is a pervasive fear that leads to clinging behavior, or dependency on others. A difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others. Tendency to pessimism and self-doubt, belittling own abilities and assets, even calling themselves " stupid.” Take criticism and disapproval as proof of their worthlessness and lose faith in themselves. They may seek overprotection and dominance from others. Occupational functioning may be impaired if independent initiative is required; avoiding positions of responsibility. Become anxious when faced with decisions.

BPD
Distressing emotional states, difficulty in relating to other people, and self-harm.
Past childhood abuse, trauma or neglect during childhood.

ANXIETY
Feelings of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. Synonyms: worry, concern, apprehensive, consternation, uneasy, fearful, disquiet, disquietude, perturbed, fretful, agitation, angst, nerves, edginess, tension, stress, misgiving, trepidation, foreboding, suspense.
OR, a strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.
Synonyms: eagerness, keenness, desire, impatience, longing, yearning.

DYSTHYMIA
Dysthymia (a milder yet more enduring type of DEPRESSION. The diagnosis is given when a person has had continuous depressed mood for at least two years).

Adult ADD
"Adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) or ADD, is a mental health disorder that includes a combination of persistent problems, such as difficulty paying attention, hyperactivity and impulsive behavior"

CPTSD 
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of: domestic emotional, physical abuse.

Are you sure you have all these? You know C-PTSD would be a good single umbrella term that covers most of them & sounds better.

I'm Still pondering all this & want to continue talking about it more.

Big hugs teej 💕

[Former-Member]

Thanks so much @Former-Member for being brave to mention it too😊💜. It means a lot to me. I think you are right, much of what I'm struggling with at the moment is what personality do I have that is my own if this is always has been part part of me. I have been able to connect the dots to see how I got here but some days it just feels devastating. I think one of the reasons I decided to put it on here today before I see my therapist tomorrow is that I feel like I am at rock bottom with it all now. Hopefully this will become a marker for me to grow from. I really think they need to change the words personality disorder as it totally leaves us feeling like we are faulty and not quite human in some way. 

I also don't know what parts of me are what @Former-Member. I guess that's what I need to work out for now. I think I have a lot to understand still. 😊💜

[Former-Member]

Wow @Former-Member you did do your research. You sound like me😊. I guess for me the hardest part with the diagnosis is the word clingy. In my real life I think I have greatly over compensated for that not to happen. But I've never had my needs met in a relationship either. My two best friends and I used to brag that we'd survived three decades together because none of us were needy or clingy. But I look back now at all the compensating and masks I wore to keep that illusion going. I really don't know if I have all of the above mentioned things but I definitely can identify with them on many days and on others I think is all a load of rubbish and that there is nothing wrong with me ( I usually then crash the next day for being on a high and come back to my realities). I have always chosen very strong independent people as friends which I guess surprises me now that they ever chose to be my friend but I guess I've always worked hard to meet their needs, mostly putting their needs in front of my own.  Much of the work I'm doing in therapy now is just beginning to learn and understand what my needs are. Thanks so much for your response and empathy😊💜

[riley]

Hi Teej thanks for your kind words. I love elephants, so wise and benovelent. Do you think you could accept and even like your elephant. Is it a girl or boy, what colour is he- she. I hope I"M not offending you with a bit of levity.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

Just wanted to say that I really liked your metaphor of the elephant in the room as your mental illness/ diagnosis. I thought you explained so well what it feels like for you to have DPD.

Maybe your recovery is about you taming the elephant and riding her forward regardless. That way she can't suffocate you anymore....but you might hit you head occaisonally on a branch you didn't see coming?

I hope I am making some creative sense 🙂

I agree with you that labels aren't really that important when it comes to effective treatment. As a counsellor I prefer to get to know the person behind the diagnosis, their whole self - the good and the ugly - and what it is they want their life to stand for.

It's late at night and I'm getting philosphical......

I think those fears of criticism and rejection are very prominent when someone has a MI, and it's hard not to be sensitive to negative comments or be derailed by difficult events.

Thanks for your contribution here, it's greatly valued.

 Frog

[Former-Member]

Thanks @riley. Your comments made me smile. My elephant is definitely a girl (there are way too many boys in my life and she has a mind of her own) . She is definitely purple. I just realised in therapy I can never usually do those things like create an identity for something (colour, visualise, sound etc) but I can so easily for this. If she had a voice it would be like a female Robin Williams playing the genie in Aladdin lol. I hope you are travelling ok. Thanks for saying hi. Feel free to introduce yourself  a bit more too😊💜

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member, 

my therapist's plan is to send her back to the Savannah to let her roam free there which I kind of like although now that I've just identified her as purple with a possible voice she might stand out a bit 😝😊💜

[riley]

Now you made me smile. Elephants are so powerful and can be scary too, but I wonder can we ever tame them or do we learn to live alongside them.