09-02-2018 12:47 PM
Hi, I have been reading a few stories about of people’s lives and it has resonated with me so thought I would share mine. Maybe in the hope that somewhere out there will understand. I feel this forum may help.
My darling husband of 12 yrs has been destroyed and ruined by mental illness for 50 yrs. he is well medicated and largely stable but his memories at the hands of the mental health system from decades ago and the cruelty of his elderly mother are haunting him more and more. Mainly in the form of Paranoia and inappropriate outbursts of rage and jealousy. As goes with this life I am his only friend and up until now I have always been able to talk and walk him through the maze of hatred for people and manic behaviors but I feel I am losing my own strength to do so. I am so very tired physically pinging from day to day suffocating in his personality and lonely.
I am here, I love and adore my gentle empathetic husband but his traumas and baggage from a very cruel treatment in phsych wards of old and his mentally ill narssacistic mother are I’m afraid going to break me. We are generally very quiet, peaceful, country people and live simply and easily although money is tight as I am physically disabled and cannot walk, he has not been able to work for 8 yrs. He is extremely intelligent and was marking exam papers university level and was on staff but can no longer be a part of that world. Instead he has filled the void with the uglier part of social media and his opinionated disturbed views are at times crushing us. That’s when I beg him to stop.
He is becoming more and more resistant to me as he sees it as some way out of his own head. His rantings are becoming very delusional and he has been banned from several news platforms that in the past have been very good for intellectual stimulation that I cannot provide at such a high level. The academic world itself has a fine line that If crossed itself wipes people out as being mentally ill and therefore no longer viable. His interests are in political history and psychology he has a double degree with honors in both but was never able to complete his PHD due to the stresses and traumas of mental illness taking away his opportunity to extend the time frame of completion.
My world is spinning sometimes 20 times a day trying to follow and keep track of which direction we are going but mostly by the end of the day ending in my complete exhaustion and crying on the inside. I’m am unable to remove myself due to my own physical restraints of pain inability to walk further than the letterbox and Seeking help is difficult as his superiority leaves us on the fringe. His trust of phsychology has been broken many times after decades of innoprpriate treatments in the 1980s locked in wards but being allowed out on day leave to attend university. Somehow we just keep going. Happiness in the earlier part of the day but by nightfall misery brought on largely by the internet and his addiction to Facebook. Thankyou for listening just looking for support and maybe a little bit of a shoulder as mine are hurting. Maybe someone out there will understand. In hope.
09-02-2018 01:54 PM
09-02-2018 02:45 PM
09-02-2018 05:43 PM
Thankyou for your response. My husband is largely back to his loving self for now. This last outburst has been 7 days today of the rollercoaster. Being hung out to dry by him and then reeled back in. His intensity is what is getting to me. I just haven't been able to reach him this week. Unfortunately his social phobia of people will not allow him to participate in anything. He becomes extremely judgmental to the point of pulling people’s identity to pieces but only at me not them. He will not have a bar of anyone else. It’s ALL ME. He is willing see a new Counsellor suggested by his excellent GP because his GP is about to retire and I have outright told him I am not prepared to have a breakdown as he will then have NOBODY. He thankfully understands. The new counsellor is a Grief and Trauma specialist who hopefully knows his stuff because he will need to. Today my loving husband is back and being very kind and considerate. Apologetic and suffocatingly insecure. As if nothing has been amiss. The end of the cycle for now is near. Until a new one accumulates usually about 2-3 wks. We have an appointment for him at about that time and I am crossing fingers and toes that it all goes well.
It’s always the same he comes out of it with my love and care and support and I am left drained exhausted and a mess. I am 54 now and unable to spring back like I did even a few yrs ago. He is 64.
When he is well we have a lovely simple life in the hills with our animals he writes in his study, I water colour and knit and create sculptures and my lovely garden fishpond very blessed in many ways. I have support but never from Home. People are not allowed to come here it’s not worth the torment. He can’t handle it and they don’t understand. He trusts no one even when he is well. I always know when he is going down hill because I can’t watch TV without him lecturing me negatively about everything I watch even though I self edit my viewing to things like David Attenborough or nature but never advertising.
i have spoken with a few counselors in the past but unfortunately as soon as they find out he is highly educated in phsychology and philosophy they back off and I get shuffled into the too hard basket. Even though I just want to talk about myself and find a way through. I am hopeful with the future and my 29 yr old son from a previous marriage is a joy and loves and accepts him they get on very well and genuinely love each other. My sons girlfriend is unwell with a brain tumor so we talk and help each other with the kids and life moves forward. Thankyou again for your response. Baby steps towards lessening my isolation.
09-02-2018 05:56 PM
I hope your husband finds his way back to voluntary work. I always feel it better to have an independent outlet unfortunately that is not an option for us. We pretty much live in seclusion.
I have a mobility scooter and can shoot down the street and be my happy self if only for an hour or so once or twice a week. I am very much a local in our small town. When my husband is ok he comes with me with the dog but if I speak to anyone or say hello to old friends no longer in our life he walks away and is thought to be snobby and rude but the truth is he is pathalogically shy. People will never fully understand. But that’s how it is. I’m sure you also understand. Largely hidden MI still stigmatized better than days of old thank goodness but confusing to most.
10-02-2018 12:34 PM
So much of what you are saying resonates with me.
I'm having a bit of a stressful time at the moment so will hopefully be able to write in more detail soon.
Thinking of you.
Virtual hugs if you need them.
10-02-2018 04:16 PM
12-02-2018 08:39 PM
Natalie so sorry to hear you are in the same boat. Up until now I have felt very alone in that boat but am slowly realizing I have company. We might only be able to sit quietly while the waves roll over us but I now know I am holding hands with others like yourself. Big hug back at cha. Hopefully the waves are getting smaller for us all.
12-02-2018 08:43 PM
Thankyou Darcy. I very much appreciate your kindness. I’m realizing I need to get out more when I can. Even just grab my sketchbook and tootle off amongst the gum trees. We live in a naturally beautiful part of Victoria so will get out amongst the kookaburras. I feel I am able to leave him alone for short times now. X
13-02-2018 05:31 PM
You are very kind, @Carlachris
I'm holding hands with you as the boat tosses on the waves....we'll get through this ok.
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